Nighty-Night
It is still pretty early but I don't plan on falling asleep anytime soon because I am out of my sleeping pills. Somehow I forgot that I was out until Saturday night and the pharmacy is closed on Sunday. I am guessing that I will be writing for quite some time tonight.
I know that I haven't been keeping up with my goal of writing something every night, but I have been busy. You know how life can be. Some of the things that you wish you had time to do just don't fit into the schedule on a regular basis or they just slip your mind and you end up flipping channels for hours at a time instead of doing something that you might really enjoy. I have a big problem with this.
There are so many things that I want to be doing: painting, drawing, writing, decorating, cleaning even. However, I get sucked in to the TV and all the crap shows that it has to offer, now that I have TiVo I can watch TV without commercials it's really bad.
I actually think that the pills that I am on have a part in my inability to be motivated into doing the things that I used to love to do. Before taking the medication I had long periods of depression but Also had long periods of mania. When I was manic I felt like I could do anything and had fun doing lots of things. Having to take pills to level all of that out means that I have lost a lot of the intense feelings that I used to get about things.
Having the pills are great because I don't get as depressed as I used to, and I used to get very depressed. I just wish that I didn't have to lose the other side of my personality to do it.
When I first started taking pills for my disorder I was really upset about it. I felt that by taking something that altered my personality I wasn't going to be myself anymore. To some point I still think that's true. With medication I don't act and think the same way I normally would, as "myself". I had this feeling that medication is basically just so that other people can deal with you better, not necessarily so that you feel better.
I had at one point come to the realization that sanity is a matter of perception. It is how others perceive you that defines whether you are a sane person or not. Meaning that no matter how many voices you hear in your head, as long as you know better than to talk to your co-workers about them your sane. This is how I got by for so long. Even though I was having these very strong feelings of depression and grief I knew to just keep it inside and smile when I was around my friends. It works pretty well, at least for me.
There is also the matter of knowing that I will forever need to take medication in order to be considered "normal". And at a rate of $200 per month for pills and $50 for the shrink being mentally ill is very expensive. (I don't like the sound of that, mentally ill).
I really don't know what the point of going to see my doctor is, besides getting prescriptions. When I go she usually yells at me for something that I am doing wrong and rarely gives me any advice on how to deal with anything. I would expect that a psychologist would give advice about how to deal with the problems I am having. Instead she tells me things like I should eat wheat germ and that I am avoiding my feelings. However, she doesn't give me anyways to discuss my feelings.
This post is turning out to be very long. It's 11:00 at night and I'm still not tired. I wish that I could think of more to write about but I think this is all for now.
Comments
A friend of mine back home was severely depressed and taking whatever the hot meds were at the time.
She confessed to me that she felt less anxious, and was in control more than ever. But she lacked the desire to go places, to do things, and she just plain out didn't have the energy.
One day, she stopped taking her pills and about three days later, she had a bit of a breakdown in front of me at her house.
We worked through it, it took hours. She was ok, but she hated feeling the way she did during those hours more than her lack of desire to do other things on a daily basis.
I felt for her, and told her I would be with her whenever she needed me - I was young, however (16), and couldn't always be there for her.
In the end, I'm not sure what she chose to do. She kept her decision confidential, but I could tell - her lifestyle just wasn't what it used to be and she was actually a more well-balanced person.
I don't know what she was suffering from, but medication helped her. It did change her, but she wanted it, welcomed it.
Posted by: Eclipse | August 2, 2004 10:38 AM
Your friend may have welcomed the drugs because they were a better option then what she was dealing with. Having a mental disorder is very difficult to deal with alone or even with friends.
Medication alters your brain and the way that it produces thoughts and feelings. In a way being on medication makes you want to take medication. It still doesn't change the fact that because you are basically a collection of thoughts and reactions by taking medication you are changing who you are.
However, people around you will see nothing more than a better personality, someone who is easier to deal with and less moody. And as I said it's how people perceive you that makes you insane.
Another thing to point out is that most of the process of putting someone on medication is a process of trial and error. They just test out a list of pills on the patient until they think they have found the one that seems to do the trick.
In my case I have been put on several dozen pills in just the past 2 years. Many of which have had serious side effects that the doctors did not tell me about until I complained of having symptoms.
I'm not saying that I am going to quit taking my medication. I know that I have to take it, or else i will get depressed and might end up in the hospital. I don't want that to happen. I am just saying that I wish I didn't have to lose myself in the process.
Posted by: Caffeine | August 2, 2004 11:37 AM
Is there a happy medium somewhere?
It saddened me at the time I knew this girlfriend that she wasn't herself completely, and she expressed the same concerns you are now.
I had no suggestions for her then - in your experience, does a specific dose or combination work better than another for you?
Posted by: Eclipse | August 2, 2004 05:17 PM
The drug companies are about selling their drugs not about making people better.
http://www.wane.com/Global/story.asp?S=2132426
Posted by: Caffeine | August 4, 2004 03:50 PM