Getting used to the new me
Today I went to the mall. Doesn't sound so important to you I know, but for me it's a big deal. Normally I can't handle the crowds and the motion around me in large places like the outlet mall. Today however, I got in my car and just drove there, without any fear. I got my hair done and it looks great! I plan on going back in a couple of weeks to get it dyed by my new stylist, his name is Donnie.
Donnie is an interesting fellow. He is from L.A. and came here to get away from the earthquakes. When I first saw him I was a little shocked, he's not the kind of guy you see working in a haircuttery. He had black and blue hair spiked up on his head and piercings everywhere you can put a hole in your head. Donnie did a great job though, fixing a mistake that had my hair in a rubber band for the last 3 months.
Back to my story though. I have had a hard time getting out of the house for years now. Agoraphobia is what they call it. A fear of people, crowded places, open spaces, being out alone and stuff like that. It started very slowly with me just having problems with standing in line at the grocery store than it progressed into not wanting to leave the house at all by myself. This went on for a couple of years, maybe three.
I started seeing a doctor in January of 2003 and at first I was diagnosed with A.D.D and P.T.S.D. for which I was given several drugs that didn't work to make me feel any better. I stopped seeing that psychiatrist when he force me to have an appointment with him when I said that I had no insurance and when I canceled the day before he said he was still going to charge me.
Again I went into another topic, I do that alot this late a night. With the new medicine that I am taking I think that I am finally getting to the right doses that I need. I still have to make an appointment to see a neurologist about the twitches that I have been having for so long. It can't be an effect of the medicine because they were here long before the medication was. I hope that having another EEG done will point out whatever the problem is and give the doctors a way to fix it.
In addition to the events that I have mentioned I am still feeling like the new Lamictal has given me more energy than the Topamax that I had been taking. I am back to making lists of chores that need to be done everyday and crossing off at least 75% of them. Which is better than the 10% in the past. I only hope that this will keep up and that with an increase in the medicine I will get even better and more enthusiastic about what I have to do everyday. It might actually lead to me quitting smoking if I can find more fulfilment in other things. Right now smoking fills in all the empty time that I have in my day.
I would like to get to a point in my life where I remember to send out the christmas and birthday cards on time, have the kids ready for school on time everyday without having to search for missing papers and books or clothes. I would like to write something important and meaningful everyday. I would enjoy spending time with my kids without feeling frustrated by noises and messes. I would like to be the kind of person that can keep the house clean from top to bottom everyday, without any trouble. I could just be the influence of TV moms (minus Peg Bundy) that makes me feel like it is normal to be this way, but I really feel like I have to do these things to be a normal mom. Not to mention the fact that my 9 year old complains that I don't spend enouph time with her. I guess I need to work on that too.
Once the doses on my medications are settled I plan to work on a lot of things, the above mentioned ones to begin with. I really want to work on the problems that I have with dealing with the kids better. I would like to play more games with them and take them more places, I just haven't had the energy or the patience for a couple of years now, since the medicine took my mania away. I just have to find a better way to get my energy back, the caffeine doesn't even help.
I guess I will have to write more later about what is going to happen with all of these things. Tonight it is getting late and I have to try to get some sleep so that I can wake up early in the morning.