Not much time- or maybe too much
I don't have a lot of time because I should be trying to go to sleep right now, but I am feeling a little high from the meds and I can't seem to stop typing. I really don't have much to say. I have had a very stressful 2 weeks and I hope that when I wake in the morning all will be better. I can only wish for things like that at this point. I have an appointment with my doctor but not for a couple of weeks, I hope that everything is better by then.
I don't know the cause of all this trouble but I know there are many things that have added to the problem and have slowly made things worse for me. I just want the morning to come and make the past disappear, but we all know that life doesn't work like that. Once things have been done you can't undo them and you can't go back in time with the knowledge that you know now. If only.
It is 11:30 at night and I have to be awake at 6 in the morning to get the kids ready for school. I am having a lot of trouble with this. I keep thinking that I was not meant to be a parent. But I was told that that is a sign of a good parent. I am easily stressed out by the simple things.
I keep meaning to quit smoking, I really mean to try, but something inside me just won't let go. I feel like I won't be able to handle the stress of life without a cigarette. I have been a smoker for 14 years of my life. A heavy smoker. I recently went to the doctor and was told that I have the lungs of a 86 year old. That should be enough to make me quit right? I still can't seem to do it. I have managed to slow down my smoking. I was smoking about 2 packs a day, in the last few days I have only been smoking about 8 - 10 a day, as long as I am not up past 10. This also means having a lot of stuff to do during the day. Being home alone with the kids most of the time I don't have very much to do, so I have taken on potty training.
Potty training a 4 year old with autism is not as easy as it sounds. I actually plan to write an article about it once I complete the task. I hope to find some ingenious ways to train him that will help others that are having the similar problems that we are. So far I haven't found anything that really works well enough, except putting him on the potty every 30 minutes in the hopes that he goes. The one major hurdle is that he can't tell us when he has to go, so we have to keep putting him on. this means a lot of accidents. A lot of cleaning up after him. It can be very tiering. The end product will be very rewarding though.
It is now 12. I guess I don't type very fast. Or I'm not thinking very fast tonight, the pills can't be helping. The one thing about them is that they make it easier for me to express myself. I just type as the words come to my head and I don't worry about what I am saying too much. However, I think I should really try to go to sleep. I have to get up really early in the morning. The movie I have been watching is almost over and that means that I don't have much time before I should go to sleep.
I know that there is so much more that I want to say about what has happened to me over the last few weeks, I just still can't bare to talk about it. I need to see my doctor again first. I just have so much to say.
I am looking forward to next week because I will get to go shopping for some new clothes, not that I don't have a lot now, but I found a great store that I love and they are having a sale. I think that will cheer me up quite a bit. I really like shopping now. Since my husband got a new job and is making more money, we have more money to spend, you would think we would be saving more but no, we just spend it. I wish that we could learn how to save money, but we both came from poor families and every time we get money we think of how we cqn spend it, all of it. It makes holidays difficult too because we buy all the things we want as soon as they some out, and when holidays come we have nothing to buy each other.
Good night now.