Family and Stress
I am trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head now. My husband says that maybe if I put them all out here that I won’t have to think about them anymore. He says that it’s like filing them away, now I know where they will be and I won’t have to keep thinking about them to remember them anymore. They will be here if I need them, like Tax papers or something. I think he is on to something and I am at least willing to give it a try, which is why I have been writing the posts that I have the past few days. I am feeling better about things I just have more to say I guess.
I used to tell myself that I could write a book with all that has happened in my life. I am really starting to believe that now. Everyday that I write something more about my life I realize that I have so much more to tell. This could go on for a very long time I think. I think this is doing more for me then my therapy does. But I need my medication so I have to go.
It wasn’t until after Jared was born that I really started to think that I needed to see a doctor. I didn’t think that I had bi-polar at the time but I knew there was something wrong. I actually thought that I had A.D.D. I was having trouble concentrating on things and I was getting overwhelmed with things I had to do. I was losing things and forgetting things and I just wanted to leave my family at the time.
Yes, I thought about just packing my things and driving away because I couldn’t handle the pressure. I had been married for a year and the last relationship that I had been in lasted 7, I didn’t know if I wanted to waste another third of my life and have it fall apart. I was worried that I couldn’t handle the kids and being a wife and mother. I felt completely useless sometimes.
When I went to see the first shrink I told him most of the things that I was feeling and then there were some other things like: seeing things that aren’t there (like cats and babies or bugs), hearing voices sometimes outside at night, thinking people were making fun of me when I know they were not and just not wanting to get out of bed sometimes because I felt like the whole world was depending on me and I couldn’t do what I had to do each day.
The doctor gave me the regular Zoloft and sent me on my way. Nothing changed for me; I stayed the same, feeling the same way. I wanted to get out more then ever. So, I changed doctors. I found a much better one after 2 more tries and now I like this one. At least she doesn’t give me the “and how do you feel about that?” or “what do you think you should do?” thing. She actually tells me when I am thinking crazy and tells me that I need to think the right way.
I think the meds she gave me were much better then the ones I got before because I am able to think a little bit better now. I have trouble sometimes. Just last year I was thinking that I had to get a divorce. I was upset with my husband for the stupidest reasons (he wouldn’t turn the TV off when I talked to him and he didn’t remember when I asked him to do small things) and I was going to get a divorce over it. When I told my shrink this, she told me I was being crazy and that I should give it a year. She said if in a year, I still feel the same way then she would talk to me about it again. When it came back around to the year I realized just how silly the whole thing was. I regretted even thinking about it. I have to admit though that sometimes I still get the urge to just leave because I can’t handle the stress. It’s not the stress of my family here though. So leaving them is silly and pointless.
I have to get the rest of my family out of my life. I have to get myself back into good health and then I can feel good again. I figured out that my stress started back when my father came to life with us in Baltimore. Things were pretty bad since then for me, I got pregnant, had a baby, my family has consistently been stressing me out, Jared was diagnosed with Autism, Sierra with ADHD, we had court battles with her father because of suspected abuse, trouble with cars, money problems – a lot of them, and it all feels (to me) like there hasn’t been a day in between any of it for me to take a break.
Sure, we have had vacations but the last one that I think I really relaxed and enjoyed was on our honeymoon. I did get a nice Mother’s day gift of a night in a motel by myself and that was nice, but I was still worrying and there were problems with the room and …
I feel like what I need is some real time without stress. I am working on it now by not taking any calls from my father and limiting what I talk about with my mother and brother.
I am trying not to think about the things that my brother tells me about his life, I don’t think he makes smart decisions but I can’t tell him how to fix everything all of the time. He is looking at 10 years in jail if he doesn’t stop getting into trouble but I can’t baby-sit him. He is a grown-up now. It’s hard as I said before, but I am not his mother and I have to take care of my family first.
After I get some time to myself, I think it would be a good idea to get the whole family away on vacation. A nice trip somewhere for everyone would be nice I think. I would like to take the kids to Disney World or something this summer. I don’t want to think about it too much or I start worrying about the money and the weekends that we have Sierra and all of that stuff. I just want to hope that we can go and leave it at that.
I want to stop worrying about things. Even though I just found out that my father is in jail again. Yelp, I just got a phone call from his probation officer. I am trying not to think of what I want to do here, I want to write him a letter but that will only make him want to write to me. His probation officer says he is getting 1 year for the last crime and another probably for this one. He will be in jail for a while.
I have to think of this as a good thing. I won’t have to worry about him for a while. Some one else will be taking care of him. He will be safe and he will be warm and fed. I have to go do something else right now.