More on Brian …
I have tried so hard to get him out of my mind but I just can’t do it today. I found out that he is back in jail again and that should give me some level of comfort but I am worried now about what kind of relationship I could possibly have with him for the rest of my life. I can’t deal with him going into jail and writing him letters, sending him money for his commissary and getting my hopes up again that when he gets out he will do all of the things that he says he will do in his letters.
I have a whole drawer full of letters from the last time he was in jail and they all say that he isn’t going to drink anymore and he wants to be a good father. He had plans to get a place to live and find a good paying job down in Florida when he got out. I really believed him, like I did when I was a kid, I would believe him that when he got out of jail he would take us and do things with us. He never did then.
The definition of being crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That is what I have been doing with my father. I keep believing that he is going to change over and over again he lets me down and breaks my heart, just like he did when I was a kid. It’s no different to me now. I still get the same amount of hope and the same amount of excitement that he is going to change “this time”. Yet, every time he lets me down. Why do I do it? I really can’t answer that question. I don’t want to do it sometimes but still I do.
Right now, I have it in my head that the letter I just sent him is really going to change him and make him think about all of the things that he has done to me over the years. I want it to make him want to be a better person. I want him to want to quit drinking and actually get some help for it. I am trying to talk myself out of writing him another letter saying that I am sorry for being so mean in this one at the same time though.
He makes me feel guilty when he is the one who has been treating me like crap. He calls me names and he talks down to me like I’m stupid. I know when he is drunk and he lies and says he isn’t. I hate being lied to. I hate that more then anything else I think. I hate that he thinks I am that stupid.
I had just recently started calling him on his lies and when he was insulting me. He was calling me a Bitch for things that happened when I was 12. He calls me names under his breath sometimes too because I tell him I can’t do things for him or send him money. I don’t like to be treated that way.
He keeps bringing up that my husband didn’t ask him before we got married too, he is mad about that. Yes, my father thinks that while he was in a bar getting wasted Jemal should have tracked him down and asked his permission before we got married. I told my father that I didn’t really want his permission, I was an adult, I got married with only 2 people at our wedding (only one of them we liked) and we didn’t want any family there. He thinks that was Jemal’s choice and I have to keep telling him that it was my choice, Jemal had no family here and I didn’t like mine. I didn’t even tell my family really, I told my mother and she told everyone else I think.
For some strange reason my father thinks that Jemal controls me. For instance, one time he said “I am surprised that Jemal hasn’t strangled you by now”. What kind of statement is that? Then he makes me talk quieter when Jemal is around because he doesn’t want Jemal to hear me arguing with him. He says Jemal will make me stop talking to him. He doesn’t get that I make my own choices and that Jemal doesn’t tell me what to do. I think he is afraid of Jemal though. And that is a good thing. It makes me sleep better at night I’ll tell you that.
Anyway, my father is back in jail and from what his probation officer told me he is looking at serving at least 1 year (it was held from before but he never went to probation like I told him to) and another year for a second trespassing charge and maybe a few more months for failing to go to probation. So, it looks like he is going to be out of my life for a while. I don’t know yet if I will write to him anymore while he is in jail. I think I would be better off if I don’t. There is a part of me though that doesn’t want to lose him forever but another part that says your better off this way.
I know that since I haven’t talked to him I feel like I am getting better, I feel less stress, even today. I know looking back that all of my stress began when he moved in with us in Baltimore. It seems like it hasn’t stopped since. Maybe with him in jail for a while I can have a break if I don’t except any calls or write to him while he is away. I will hear from him eventually. I will make sure that someone has my new number or address if we move so that when he gets out I will hear from him again. This will really give me a chance to see where my problems and priorities are though. I really need this; I just have to work on the rest of my family as well.
I will have to set up some boundaries as far as what I will talk about and when I will talk to them. I think with my father away for so ling it will give me some time to work on that now. I don’t want to completely disassociate from them but I do want to limit how much I talk to them and what I allow myself to listen to. I think it may be hard to do at first because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but over some time, I think I can have just the right kind of relationship with my family. We will never have a family reunion or even a thanksgiving dinner together but we can be civil I think.
Comments
Well, I certainly don't want to tell you not to talk to your father, sweetie. But I have to admit that dealing with him is just too much stress for you, especially when you're sick. So I guess the question is: is dealing with him less stressful than not knowing what's going on?
Posted by: Jemaleddin | March 16, 2006 06:57 AM