Vending Vindication: Experience Refreshment
Vending Vindication: Experience Refreshment
This is a very cool invention, you should check it out. I can't wait to see it in the mall.
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Vending Vindication: Experience Refreshment
This is a very cool invention, you should check it out. I can't wait to see it in the mall.
On Wednesday, my father called from a gas station and said that he had nowhere to stay. All of the people he came here looking for were gone and he had nowhere else to go. So, the plan he had to start over with Barb (his ex-girlfriend and crack head) wasn’t going to be possible. It was going to be raining Wednesday night and I was feeling bad that he was going to have to walk around in the rain all night long with nowhere to stay and he needed to eat and drink something but he had no money to do that.
I had to call Jemal at work and ask him to leave early and pick my dad up and bring him to my house. My intentions were to give him some food and drinks so that at least I did something for him instead of leaving him out in the cold. When he arrived, he had nothing, no clothes, no money and no wallet. He had absolutely nothing with him except the shirt and pants he was wearing. So, Jemal found some t-shirts that he was willing to give away and I found a couple of pairs of sweatpants that would fit him and we made him a duffel bag with some things in it, including some smokes and sodas.
We talked to him for a bit and we brought up that Jayson said he could come out to Oklahoma to live with Jay for awhile and that the price of living out there is so much cheaper then Maryland. Dad said he would love to go out there and at least out there he will have somewhere to sleep and possibly a job that Jayson has lined up for him. I made sure that Jemal was okay with it and then I bought him a ticket online for the next morning.
This meant breaking my rule that he could not stay the night here. There was no sense in sending him out in the rain for 6 hours until they had to leave for the bus at 5:30 am. My grandmother was very uncomfortable with him staying the night but it was the best thing I could do.
It was nice to have him here for a short while. He played with the kids a bit (He hadn’t seen them in over 4 years) and of course I took lots of pictures of him and them together because who knows when I will see him next.
Before he left in the morning, he came down and said goodbye, I was mostly asleep but he said thank you and that he appreciated all that Jemal and I have done for him. He took the bag of stuff that we made for him the night before but that was all that he had.
Yesterday I went to Target and for a Father’s Day gift I bought him some clothes and some other things that he needs since he has nothing. I also got him a wallet with a chain so he won’t loose it again. I am going to mail it out today or Saturday and hope that he gets it soon.
He says that he wants to start over. He doesn’t want to drink anymore and he really sounds like he wants to change this time. Hopefully, Jayson won’t drink around him and will try to help dad get all of the things that he needs to get his life together. He is missing his ID, Social Security Card and Birth Certificate. Without those things, it is going to be hard for him to get a job. I can’t really help him with that but Jayson says that he can do it out there.
Having dad go to Oklahoma really makes things better for me. It was worth the money, because in the long run it will save me money on medication and doctor’s visits I think. If he had stayed here I would have just worried about him all of the time and had him coming here all the time for money and help. With him out in Oklahoma, I know that he will have a place to sleep and food to eat. Jayson is also going to take him to social services out there and try to get him his own housing and food stamps.
If dad can stay sober, he can really get on his feet out there with Jayson’s help. That is what I am hoping for. He is 50 years old now and he really needs to try to do something with his life before it’s too late. I won’t mind helping him here and there as long as I know that he is trying to stay sober and get his life together. I am hoping that all goes well and he will do the right thing from now on. I don’t want to think about him going to jail again. I talked to him about it and he says that he is really going to try this time. As much as I don’t want to I have big hopes for him this time, I do.
First, last night my brother called me and said that he wanted to tell dad that he should come to Oklahoma instead of coming here to be a problem for me. I thought this was very sweet of my brother because he was thinking about my health and what having dad here will do to me. He suggested that dad could stay with him until he could get a job and on his feet. Jayson said that out there they have trailers for rent at $150 a month including utilities. It would have been a great idea if we had gotten the information to dad before he got the bus ticket but Jayson didn’t call me until last night to tell me and apparently Dad was already here.
Now, my dad has arrived in Baltimore and called me this morning. I had been banking on the fact that he would get arrested again before he was able to get on the bus back home. Instead, he is here and he has nowhere to live again. I don’t want him to start using me to make phone calls and wanting me to let him stay here. I have explain to him all of the reasons that he can’t stay here. I don’t want him to put me in a position that I feel like I have to say yes.
Having him here makes it harder to tell him that I can’t help him. It was easy when he was 800 miles away but with him being able to walk to my door, any day he wants to, makes it very hard to tell him to go away because I can’t handle him.
I know that this might all sound ridiculous if you haven’t read any of my other posts about my father. This is a serious problem for my family, my health and me. My father literally makes me sick. I am worried about him causing me to go back into the hospital again.
I am trying not to let all of my worries get to me too much but it is stressing me out. I am trying to think of ways to get him off my mind, which is why I am writing now. I thought that if I can get out all of my worries I might be able to deal with it easier and I might get some advice from some friends on what I should do.
I don’t know what my main worry is but I know that I don’t want to have a relationship with him if he is still going to drink. I can’t handle the stress that he gives me. He is already asking for rides and wanting me to find phone numbers for him. It kind of makes me feel bad to tell him no but I really can’t do more then what I already have to do for my family. It’s hard enough just trying to do that stuff without the added stress from him.
I don’t know how it happens but every time I think of my father, I get sick. I will even throw-up sometimes. Right now, I am nauseous at the idea of him coming closer to where I am. Every time it’s on my mind or even if I just hear his name, I get a little sick inside. Today I thought he was supposed to call and I have been sniffling all day and I have a soar throat. My doctors were right; too much stress makes me sick. It is really a crazy thing to have happen to your body and it means that I really have to watch what is going on in my life if I don’t want things to get out of hand. This makes creating rules for my father even more important then ever.
The same is true for the rest of my family, just not as much. I can deal with my mother for small amounts of time, depending on what she wants to talk about. When she starts talking about my dad or the past I just can’t take it and I have to hang up o9n her or tell her I have to go in chats online. Sometimes it can just be too much to listen to. She also doesn’t remember things the way that I do, meaning the truth. She has a bad habit of lying about stuff or making up things that I know never happened. She also has never said she was sorry in my entire life. All of the mistakes she has made with my brother and me are just things we are supposed to forget and she does the same.
My brother has finally understood that I can’t handle stress and he makes a good effort to not talk about things that will upset me in anyway. I love him for trying so hard. If things are bad for him he will just tell me that he can’t talk, I usually make him because I know that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about his problems and I want to help. Some how it is easier now to listen to him without getting too upset. I am his big sister and it is my job to help him when he needs it. I still stick to my rule of not sending him money when he asks and he has stopped asking. This makes me happy because my brother isn’t the best at being considerate of other people.
My brother actually had some good news when he called me today. He is going to start going to college. I don’t know how he is doing it thought since he doesn’t have a GED. He says that he wants to take Business classes and start his own painting company. I don’t know how realistic it is for him but at least he is doing something to better himself.
I have been talking about making rules for my father for a long time and I never really got around to doing it. I just wonder if I can talk to him at all with the way he makes me feel. I also don’t know exactly what it is about him that makes me feel so bad. I know that I started getting very sick off and on from the time he moved in with us in Baltimore. I ended up having to be put in the hospital the last time he said he was moving back to Maryland. I am hoping to avoid that this time around.
This also makes me feel like Lupus is quite possibly my current condition. However, the doctor that I was seeing in Baltimore had no comments about that, only that I had a vitamin D deficiency after my blood work was done. She also canceled my last appointment. I have to get more blood work done this week but I fell and did some damage to my knee that I had operated on and getting around is not easy for me right now. Not to mention the fact that it is very swollen and it appears that there is a large pocket of fluid on the right side of the knee.
Sierra graduated today and we are all very proud of her. She made the Honor Roll again and she got several awards at the end of the graduation ceremony. I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there for her. I want to do something special for her so we are throwing a big party for her after she comes back from camp on the 24 th, There will be about 6 girls all together and they are having a sleepover. I want it to be special so I am hoping that my knee heals up better and I can do some shopping to make it the best sleepover party she has ever had. I am guessing it will be a Hello Kitty theme since that is what she is into these days. I just want her to enjoy it. She deserves it after all of the hard work that she did this year.
I will be posting all of the photos to my flickr account as soon as I have time. It will also give me more to do with my scrapbook this week. There will also be photos of her Girl Scout award dinner, her 5th grade dance and the Talent Show she did, all of that happened in just the last week. It has been very busy around here with the kids doing so much stuff. It is great that Jemal was able to go to everything and bring home video and photos from everything for me.
Sierra is growing up fast and I am worried and excited that she will be going to middle school next year. There is so much to worry about now that she is getting older but I am happy for her. I will write more about all of that later. For now, I am going to go and lie down and rest my knee some more. I just wanted to get all of this out before I forgot about it.
This morning I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was a Florida number and I was preparing myself to yell at my father because he said he would only call once a week. However, it was a charity group that buys bus tickets for people who want to get off the streets and go home. My father had told them that he was going to come back to Maryland and live with my family and me.
Let me just tell you that even if I wanted to he couldn’t stay here. We have 3 bedrooms and 5 people her already. My husband and I made a Master bedroom out of the basement so that we could keep my grandmother here with us. I am not about to let him stay here any way because I don’t want him having any kind of influence on my kids.
I am already dealing with my surgery and I was feeling pretty good since he went to jail. I haven’t really been sick since then. Now that he is out of jail and he is coming back here I worry about getting sick again from the stress. I am going to have to come up with some rules for myself to keep him from making me feel awful again.
Rule number 1 would have to be that I will not give him any money no matter what the reason is. I don’t trust him not to use the money to buy alcohol and therefore it would just upset me to give him money for anything. I know there will be times when he is going to tell me that it is for important things but unless I am paying for it directly or something I am not going to hand him cash for anything. I would certainly help him if it was for medication or to see a doctor or something like that.
Rule number 2 would be that I can’t talk to him everyday. A phone call once a week is just fine and if he starts treating me badly again like he did just a few months ago I will just stop taking his calls altogether and turn off the toll free number.
Rule 3 would be that he cannot just come by anytime he wants to. He will have to call me first and then I will let him know if it is okay that he comes by for a couple of hours of hours or something. I may even make it so that he can’t come over unless Jemal and the kids are home. I will not give in and let him stay the night not even one time. We don’t have the room and it’s not good for Jemal for him to be here like that.
I think I need some time to talk about this with my friends and family and see what kinds of ideas they have about the situation. This is going to be very stressful for me and I could use all of the support I can get right now.
I got this link in an email this morning from a friend and I thought more people should see it.
Right now Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the First Amendment of the Internet -- a principle called "network neutrality" that preserves the free and open Internet. Congress needs to hear from you today or they will hand over control of what you do online to companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast.
Take Action: Sign the Petition -- Don't Let Congress Ruin the Internet
I have been having a really relaxing time with very little stress for the last 3 months because my father was in jail again. I had been told that he would be in there for at least 3 years if not 5 by his probation officer. Well, he called me last night. He said that he had been out of jail for a couple of days and he wanted to call me and tell me that he was sorry for all of the things that he did to upset me before he went in. He also said that he has turned down free beer on several occasions since he got out and that he has goals to get a place of his own soon.
One of the biggest things that he told me is that he wants to come back here to MD and live. He says that they will give him a free bus ticket if I just tell them that he is allowed to come and live with me. I said to him at least 10 times that he can’t live here with me, he can’t even spend the night once and he said hat he just wants me to tell them that so that they will give him a free bus pass back here to Maryland.
I don’t know what to think. My father sounded pretty good on the phone and I want so badly to believe him that he isn’t going to drink anymore and that he really wants to et his life together but I can’t fall back to doing all of those things I did for him before. I told him on the phone that I will disconnect the line if he starts to stress me out again because I just can’t take that after all of the progress that I have made since he went in to jail. I don’t want to go back to being sick every day.
Hopefully, my father will work hard to get his life together and then I won’t have to worry about him at all. Actually, I am not worrying about him now. He will either do something with his life or he will just continue to be a bum. Either way it doesn’t really have to affect me in anyway. If I continue to keep him at a distance (even if he moves back here) I will still be happy and healthy.
I do hope that he does well, but I am not going to get my hopes up. I am also not answering the phone for him except for once a week. I can’t take the stress of his life. He will have to understand that at some point. Maybe he does now after that letter I sent him but I am not giving in to him again. I have been doing very well without him and I can’t let him change that even if he does get better as a father.
Since my surgery I haven't been able to do much. My knee is swollen up like a grapefruit and I can't walk very well, but I am doing exercises to try to make the swelling and the pain go away.
I was very nervous about the surgery, I had worried that I might end up worse then where I had started but so far it seems to be okay. I just hope that I heal faster from this then I have with my left ankle (I sprained it in March of 2005 and I still have trouble and pain with it). I can bend it a little and I can walk on it without the crutches for short periods of time but I am not running any races anytime soon. I also have a lot of trouble getting up and down the stairs. When I bend my knee I get this really hard lump on the side of my knee. I was worried about it so I called my doctor and he says it's just fluid and stuff that will go away with some time.
What really sucks is that I have to spend a lot of time in bed watching TV and to tell you the truth now that all of the shows I like have gone away until the fall I have nothing to watch and nothing to do. I have taken up crocheting again just to kill time and I am starting to do a lot of planning for things. I made a long list of goals for myself for the summer and I am excited about maybe getting better and doing some fun things next year.
I would really like to do some volunteer work after I am healed up and the kids are in school all day long. I don't know if I will be ready to have a full-time job by next year but it would be nice to get out of the house, meet new people and do something that makes me feel useful. With how often I get sick I don't know if I could hold down a job for very long because I would have to stay home a lot when I get sick or if the kids are not in school.
I am really lucky that my husband makes enough money that I don't have to work if I don't want to and that I can pretty much do what ever I want to do with my time later on. It gives me a lot of freedom to fulfill my own goals. I can do volunteer work and it will make me feel good and we don't have to worry about getting the bills paid.
I would like to start working again some time soon, but one of my biggest problems is that I have not worked in over 6 years. I will probably start taking classes again next year and that should help me to get a job in another few years. I don't know who would hire me right now with no real experience.
I think tomorrow I will post all of my goals for the sumer and the following year. It's a pretty long list but it is all attainable if I try hard enough. There are a lot of things that I want to do with my life, kids and for our future. It will all start as soon as I can finish my surgeries and get my body sorted out.
I recently stopped taking my trileptal and several other medications. I have been doing very well I think. I am not sure that I needed them at all. I haven't felt depressed only stressed out because of some of the things that are going on in my life but I have been getting better at dealing with my stress. I learned to not talk to people if I am already having a bad day (just my family). And I make to do lists each day so that I know what I have to do. Once I do those things I can relax and just enjoy the rest of the day. My husband is a big help for me too, especially now with the problems I have. He does most everything that I can't do myself. And he never complains about it either.
I just need to find some things to kill time until I can start doing for myself again. I don't like feeling lazy and that is what I feel I am right now that I am not doing much around the house. I do get to plan a lot of stuff for the summer even though I will probably be home for most of it but I like planning stuff. I am already planning this Christmas and I have months before I can do any of it.
For this Christmas I want two trees. I want to plan a nice dinner and maybe invite some family and friends for a party. I am just really excited that I will probably be better by then and I will be able to do so much. I want this year to be the best Christmas we ever had. And all of the following years will just get better after that. That is my hope anyway.
There is so much that I can't wait to do with a healed body and creative mind again. It's the waiting that I don't like. However, it will give me time to plan and think about all of the things that I want to do.
This has been a long post, I didn't mean for that to happen I just wrote out all of the things that I am feeling right now and I guess the point of it all is that I am hopeful now. I* am not depressed about all of the things that are wrong with me anymore. I am just thinking about all of the things that I will be able to do soon. I am happy and I can't wait for it to all be finished. Thank you for listening.