Physically Sick and Excited too
I don’t know how it happens but every time I think of my father, I get sick. I will even throw-up sometimes. Right now, I am nauseous at the idea of him coming closer to where I am. Every time it’s on my mind or even if I just hear his name, I get a little sick inside. Today I thought he was supposed to call and I have been sniffling all day and I have a soar throat. My doctors were right; too much stress makes me sick. It is really a crazy thing to have happen to your body and it means that I really have to watch what is going on in my life if I don’t want things to get out of hand. This makes creating rules for my father even more important then ever.
The same is true for the rest of my family, just not as much. I can deal with my mother for small amounts of time, depending on what she wants to talk about. When she starts talking about my dad or the past I just can’t take it and I have to hang up o9n her or tell her I have to go in chats online. Sometimes it can just be too much to listen to. She also doesn’t remember things the way that I do, meaning the truth. She has a bad habit of lying about stuff or making up things that I know never happened. She also has never said she was sorry in my entire life. All of the mistakes she has made with my brother and me are just things we are supposed to forget and she does the same.
My brother has finally understood that I can’t handle stress and he makes a good effort to not talk about things that will upset me in anyway. I love him for trying so hard. If things are bad for him he will just tell me that he can’t talk, I usually make him because I know that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about his problems and I want to help. Some how it is easier now to listen to him without getting too upset. I am his big sister and it is my job to help him when he needs it. I still stick to my rule of not sending him money when he asks and he has stopped asking. This makes me happy because my brother isn’t the best at being considerate of other people.
My brother actually had some good news when he called me today. He is going to start going to college. I don’t know how he is doing it thought since he doesn’t have a GED. He says that he wants to take Business classes and start his own painting company. I don’t know how realistic it is for him but at least he is doing something to better himself.
I have been talking about making rules for my father for a long time and I never really got around to doing it. I just wonder if I can talk to him at all with the way he makes me feel. I also don’t know exactly what it is about him that makes me feel so bad. I know that I started getting very sick off and on from the time he moved in with us in Baltimore. I ended up having to be put in the hospital the last time he said he was moving back to Maryland. I am hoping to avoid that this time around.
This also makes me feel like Lupus is quite possibly my current condition. However, the doctor that I was seeing in Baltimore had no comments about that, only that I had a vitamin D deficiency after my blood work was done. She also canceled my last appointment. I have to get more blood work done this week but I fell and did some damage to my knee that I had operated on and getting around is not easy for me right now. Not to mention the fact that it is very swollen and it appears that there is a large pocket of fluid on the right side of the knee.
Sierra graduated today and we are all very proud of her. She made the Honor Roll again and she got several awards at the end of the graduation ceremony. I felt terrible that I couldn’t be there for her. I want to do something special for her so we are throwing a big party for her after she comes back from camp on the 24 th, There will be about 6 girls all together and they are having a sleepover. I want it to be special so I am hoping that my knee heals up better and I can do some shopping to make it the best sleepover party she has ever had. I am guessing it will be a Hello Kitty theme since that is what she is into these days. I just want her to enjoy it. She deserves it after all of the hard work that she did this year.
I will be posting all of the photos to my flickr account as soon as I have time. It will also give me more to do with my scrapbook this week. There will also be photos of her Girl Scout award dinner, her 5th grade dance and the Talent Show she did, all of that happened in just the last week. It has been very busy around here with the kids doing so much stuff. It is great that Jemal was able to go to everything and bring home video and photos from everything for me.
Sierra is growing up fast and I am worried and excited that she will be going to middle school next year. There is so much to worry about now that she is getting older but I am happy for her. I will write more about all of that later. For now, I am going to go and lie down and rest my knee some more. I just wanted to get all of this out before I forgot about it.