Dear Uncle Paris,
I am writing this letter to you and somehow I know that you will find a way to read it. It has been 5 years from tomorrow that it all happened and I don’t know how to forgive you. I try everyday not to think about it, but it will never fade from my mind. It not just what you did to me either, it’s what you did to all of us. I loved you and tried to treat you like the greatest man in the world. I know you had a hard time in life, we all do in our own way but sometimes you just have to think about someone other then yourself. Did you?
Did you think about me when you tied the rope around your neck and jumped off the roof? Did you think about how I would feel looking at your dead body in a cardboard casket? Did you think about all of the years that I will miss you and wish that you were here? Did you think that the world would miss out on such a funny, kind man? Did you think of all the other things you could have done to make this world a better place?
Did you remember playing card games and the time that I beat you at spades? Did you remember playing with matchbox cars on the floor? Did you remember making little cities out of cardboard to play with the cars? Did you remember going camping at Hershey Park and getting on the rides with me? Did you remember babysitting me when I was only 5 years old? Did you remember that I loved you and looked up to you? Did you remember that I didn’t change my opinion of you when I found out you were gay no matter what the rest of the family said? Did you remember that I told you that you were my favorite of all of my family?
Did you know that I would cry for days? Did you know that I would hurt? Did you know what you were about to do would break my little heart? Did you know that I would cry one day while I wrote this message to you? Did you know that nothing would make the pain go away no matter what I do? Did you know that this day would become a reminder to me that you didn’t care enough about me? Did you know how selfish you were going to be?
I wanted you to be my best friend. I wanted you to get to know me better. I wanted you to call me every day. I wanted you to smile every time I saw you. I wanted you to know that I loved you. I wanted you to not die. I wanted you to still be here where I can touch you.
I remember the way you would dangle a cigarette out of your mouth while you painted and then yelled at me for smoking at the same time. I remember your obsessive-compulsive behavior of emptying the ashtray after it was used only once. I remember you getting a little too drunk one night and passing out on the front lawn. I remember you laughing and cheering up a room full of people with just a simple joke. I remember a lot of things about you but I don’t remember you saying good-bye.
In Memory of Paris Kelly Hogan Died July 4, 2001
Comments
Wow. Not another word I can say about what you've written. I'm here for you, girl.
Posted by: Patricia | July 3, 2006 08:42 PM
I sat for a while thinking of just the right words, I hope it came out the right way. It really meant a lot to me to get all of this stuff out of my system, it doesn't really take anything away but it made it something I can deal with I think. Thank you so much for your support, you have been a great friend.
Posted by: Caffeine | July 3, 2006 09:29 PM
I know you needed this, and the words were so intimate and moving - very touching. I really hope it has helped you.
Posted by: Patricia | July 4, 2006 10:38 AM
What I said wasn't everything I wanted to say but it was a lot of it. I really took my time and tried to write the words exactly how I felt and it was hard but it did make me feel better in a small way. I do feel better today then I did yesterday for sure. Thank you for reading it and trying to understand. You are a very good friend. I only hope that others understand it as well. I know my family won't, they are just happy he is not living his "sinful" life anymore.
Posted by: Caffeine | July 4, 2006 11:48 AM
its not getting any easier is it... hard to write through the never ending tears...Im very angry...and sad...I know we tend to think he did this to us but the only way to get through it is to think that he is no longer in pain I think the last line of your letter sums up how I feel...even though he did call to say goodbye I didn't see it as the last goodbye...I cherish my memories and every stinkin trinket he ever gave me but I'd give it all back to have him back...I ache to hear his laughter and corny jokes he will always be in our hearts
Posted by: Aunt Michele | July 6, 2006 09:30 AM
it's hard but I am just trying to figure it all out. I wish that there was some way I could get answers to all of my questions but i is impossible. I have to find a way to deal with it and except it, I guess that is part of the "process" as they say but I am no close to accepting it as I was the day he died. Although there are day s that I forget and then I feel guilty for doing it. I feel like I should never forget about him like that but that is how you are suppose to deal with it I guess.
I have to learn to just remember the good things and the funny things and try not to think about how much I miss him being here. I also have to deal with all of the anger that I have about what he did.
I have been getting a lot of advice over the years and I guess it is time to start taking some of it. I will make a memorial album for him and use that as a place to think of him and the things he meant to me. I just need a place to morn when I need to like a grave and not let it take over everyday of my life.
I want to know that I am not forgetting him but that I have to make time to remember him instead, in a positive way, a healthier way. Thank you for all of you support through this too, I know it isn't easy for you to talk about but you have been a great help to me in the last few days.
Posted by: Caffeine | July 6, 2006 10:06 AM
Hello everybody, my name is Damion, and I'm glad to join your conmunity,
and wish to assit as far as possible.
Posted by: DamionKutaeff | March 22, 2008 08:16 PM
Hello everybody, my name is Daniel, and I'm glad to join your conmunity,
Wish to assist as far as possible.
Posted by: Dan(lazy)Honnet | March 25, 2008 10:02 AM