Today has been a pretty boring day so far. Other then Jemal opening his Birthday gifts early we had nothing to watch and nothing to do. I laid in bed as long as I could before I had to get up and do something. I was out of news in my news reader and I started reading some of my old posts from a few years back. Just reading about what I was doing in this month for the last 2 years (blogs are great for this). I realized that I have gone through a lot of shit in the last two years.
In 2004 I was so stressed about Bush that I was having minor panic attacks and writing about why he needed to be replaced. I had begun to try to write about my childhood and all the horrors that came along with it. I was very depressed back then. However, I would write very long posts about very personal things. I was using my blog as therapy and trying to deal with my problems by just letting them out into the world and trying to free myself from some of the feelings of guilt and sadness I had over my younger years.
In 2005 I was writing about how hard it was for me to be alone while Jemal went to his brother's wedding out of state and left me alone with Jared for 7 days. I was depressed then too.
I have come to realize that the month of August is very depressing for me. In August I get another year older another year closer to death (I have very morbid thoughts about life), and the kids are going back to school also I am always very stressed in the month of August. I never really realized it before.
On top of it all this year I am turning 30. This has me more depressed then normal for this month. I try thinking that it doesn't mean anything to be just another year older but I still wish that I was 22 or 23. Those were a good couple of years. Since then I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I haven't worked in 7 years, thanks to the great job my husband has and two kids to take care of I just couldn't get a job of my own. I didn't have to and I wasn't really able to either.
Now, my kids will both be in school all day but with these surgeries I don't think I will be well enough to get back to work anytime soon, no matter how bad I want to. I am really sick of being at home all day and night. I don't know what I can do about it though. I want to feel like I am doing some good in the world.
There are so many things that I had planned to do with my life when I was younger, but kids and marriage changed my options and put those things on hold. I feel like the time is coming for me to try to do something for myself now. My kids are both going to be in school all day and I will have several hours a day that I can dedicate to something that will make me feel more useful.
I say useful because I haven't felt like anything I have done in the last few years has been very productive. I know that I did a good job of taking care of my kids but what did I do for my family really? What have I done for society? What have I done for myself?
I still have a social anxiety disorder pretty bad (and it seems to get worse every day) and that makes my options limited. I want to get over it though. I feel I am going to have to force myself to do the things I am afraid of just so I can become human again.
Over the last few years the radius I can go from my house gets smaller and smaller. I used to drive out of state by myself and have fun doing it. As the years past I just find it harder and harder to leave the house. It is fear that keeps me locked up like a prisoner.
I fear everything. I don't like to go in convenience stores for fear of a robber pulling a gun. This is a legitimate fear because I was robbed twice at gun point while working at a 7-11 in my younger years. I fear getting into an accident or something on the highway, so I like to take back roads when I can. Movies and the news just feed my fears too.
The question is what to do about it. Many people tell me that I just have to get out and drive by myself and I will get over it. However, when I get too far from home my hands start to shake and I just can't go any further. How do I fix my head in order to "just do it". It is almost pointless at this point for us to be paying for two car notes when I have Jemal drive me everywhere now.
On top of the driving fear, I don't like crowded or strange places. I haven't been to see a movie in a theatre in over 3 years. The last thing I saw was the last Matrix movie and I did that for Jemal. I can handle going to Target alone, because I am used to it and it's only a mile or two from my house. I don't like the grocery store anymore, so Jemal has to do all the shopping for the house. I can't do malls unless I really need something and I have to have Jemal with me to go. Even then I won't go on a Friday or Saturday.
I want to overcome my fears before I am unable to leave the house at all. I just don't know how to do it. I am afraid to try and get too far and not be able to make it back alone. I want to have the freedom that I see my friends have. I know it sounds like it is so easy but I am really terrified. I have to some how overcome this before it is too late. I don't want my husband to have to take off everyday that I have a doctor's appointment like he does now. He thinks it's just because my knee surgery but really I just can't do it alone anymore.
I have tried to just get dressed and drive somewhere during the day but I end up putting my pjs back on and getting back in bed. I own more pjs then clothes at this point because I just don't go anywhere anymore.
My dream is to be able to get in my car one morning and run all of the errands and maybe stop by and visit with a friend during the day while the kids are in school. Maybe even take a day trip to a museum in the city (I can't handle driving in the city anymore even though I drove in it everyday when we lived there). I would like to be able to take the kids someplace fun when they have days off from school. I think it would make me a better mother if I could do things like that with them. I am just so afraid to drive with them in the car.
I had an accident when I was 19 with Sierra in the car. I hit a telephone poll because a drunk driver was swerving in my lane. I also had another accident where I hit my own brother when he was on a dirt bike coming out of the woods. It almost killed him and he was in a coma for 15 days after that (it is a very long story but the basic facts are that he was on the dirt bike and I couldn't see him when he came out of the woods and hit my car). Ever since then I have worried about driving with my kids and it gets worse as time goes by. Which means Jemal is in charge of taking them to the doctor when they need to go. He would have so much more free time if I could just learn to do these things on my own.
I feel like I not only have to do this for myself but for my family. If I could free myself from this maybe Jemal would have more time to take off for fun days instead of doctor's appointments and school things. maybe he would be able to save up some leave and we could actually take a nice long vacation somewhere. He wouldn't have to work 12 hour days to make up for the appointments he has to drive me to.
I suppose that the whole purpose of writing this was to try to make sense of my problems. I figured that maybe putting it all out here I might force myself to do something about it in order to post later about what I have been able to do. I know one thing about myself and that is that I want to be perfect at everything, telling everyone my faults means that I will have to change myself to be a better person. In the process I might also get some advice and encouragement.
At this point I think I have written enough about how messed up I am. I should probably get back into bed and rest my legs. Thank you all who read every word and didn't fall asleep. I will appreciate any comments that you have for me.