It has been a while since I posted anything and part of the reason is that I have been too busy to write and the other half is that I haven't felt like writing anything. Today I just thought I would do a little catch up and let everyone know how things are going. Well, GG is gone for an undetermined amount of time and while she is gone Jemal and I actually have to do some parenting and cleaning. You don't know what you got til it's gone. I haven't had as much fun with my kids though when she was here.
I find myself spending more time with them because they aren't hiding in her room watching TV with her anymore. I do really want her back to help me they way she always does but I know I have to learn to take care of these things myself. It has just been so long since I have been able too. I think I am doing a pretty good job. Jemal and I are working together to keep the house clean and take care of the kids. He takes care of the morning routine and I take care of the afternoon stuff until he gets home at 5:30 and then we go back to taking turns. It is working out but I think Jemal is getting exhausted from working and taking care of the kids and the house everyday. I try to let him sleep in on the weekends at least one day if I can. Sometimes Jared makes that impossible.
Luckily with my new medications (methedone, Lyrica and Flexeril) I have been able to get around a lot better then before. I am really happy that I am not stuck in bed anymore and I was even able to do a whole day of shopping last week with out any problems, until the next day.
I haven't been stuck in bed but I am still having trouble leaving the house by myself, I have all day alone but I can't bring myself to leave without it being very close to he house. I had to have a friend drive me to an appointment in Columbia (about 20 miles away) because I just can't go that far alone. Jemal and I have figured out that for my next appointment I am going to drive to his work and pick him up and then he will drive me to my appointment then I will take him back to work and then drive myself back home. I know that sounds really crazy but if I drive to far away from home my hands will start to shake and get sweaty and I stiffen up and can't drive. I really can't drive if it is raining. I worry so much about getting in an accident that I just can't do it. I especially don't like driving somewhere I have never been.
I am thinking that I need to try to go out and drive my car as far as I can each day and may, just maybe I can expand the "safe" area. I just worry about getting out there and then getting stuck because I can't drive back. That would be a big problem.
I am seeing a therapist now once a week. I told her to read my blog so "Hello!" I think I can express myself better in writing then with talking. She is a really nice lady and I am not just trying to be nice to her. As all of you know I have had many therapists and shrinks and I went through them fast. I really like her because she doesn't do what all the other ones do, she actually talks to me and doesn't just say " and how does that make you feel?" or just "yes, go on". It's more like just talking to a friend. I like that it is the same reason I stay with my crazy shrink. She may be crazy but she is a good person to take to and she listens.
I have started writing in a notebook each day something that I remember from childhood or something that just bothers me that day so I can take it with me to her office and just know what to take about. I like writing notes because it makes it so the whole 45 mins isn't just talking about my mother. Who I haven't talked to since June (Hooray!) and I have less stress because of it.
Now I have to say that before I started rambling about all of this I wanted to mention how hard of a time I am having with trying to be a good mother and wife these days. Not having a good role model when I was growing up didn't help. Both of my parents had their own problems and I became an adult at a very young age. I hear from my friends that I am a good mother and my husband tells me I am a good wife but I could be better. I could spend more time with my kids and I could try to not be so demanding with my husband, I guess it's not demanding but I ask a lot of him everyday. I am hoping that when the house is complete I won't have to write anymore chore list for him and we can just relax every weekend and watch TV and play video games like we used to.
I also want to get better at keeping the house clean. I try to do my best run through before Jemal gets home but I really have never been much for cleaning. However it is something that should be my responsibility since I am home all day. What do I do all day, normally I watch TV or play around on my computer. I do some stuff like making phone calls and keeping up with the bills and things like that but I have time to do more in my day and I really need to start doing it. That would make me a better mother and wife. I also hate to cook, but I could save us money if I would cook dinner every night instead of sending Jemal to pick up something on his way home from work. It would give him moire time and it's really not that much work for me. I am going to try to cook at least 3 meals a week for now and then work into doing more.
What I am trying to say in all of this is that since I am better I should be a better mother and wife then I have been while I was sick, now I know I still have limits but I can do more then I have been and that means putting a lot on Jemal. I want to try to be better at all the things I am suppose to and I am going to take on the challenge of volunteering at both of the kids schools in the new year. I figure I can give a few hours a day to help out the teachers and if I am not feeling well I don't have to go in because it's not like a permanent job where I will get fired if I don't show up. It will make me feel like I am doing something with my life and making myself happy while doing something good for the kids.