For the last few days a lot of things have been happening. It mostly has to do with my brother and my father but somehow I got caught in the middle of this atomic bomb. I don't like this feeling. I feel trapped and I don't know how to tell anyone that I want out of this mess. They continue to call me as if I were there and could help them. I can't do anything 800 miles away. All I can do is listen to their respective situations and tell them what I would do, and do they actually follow my advice, no. Then they just come at me with new problems because they didn't do what I told them to in the first place. The world would be so much simpler for me if everyone just listened to me for once.
I am feeling so much stress that I haven't been out of bed for any length of time because it is making my bones hurt. I feel sick to my stomach and I am at a lose on what to do. I know the easiest thing to do would be to just stop answering the phone when they call and let them fight it out, old west style. However, I have always been the mediator of my family, since the age of 8 I would be in the middle of fights that my parents had and I would be the protector of my brother who was 7 years younger then me.
I still have these same feelings that I did as a child. I feel that I need to help them, make things better, give them advice and listen to them to see what they are planning on doing so I can do my best to help others out. How do you overcome the behaviors you learned as a child, the things that made you and the things that so many people say they love you for? Everyone always tells me that my best quality is that I always have hope and I always help when I am needed. If I change this what does that do to me as a person? Can I separate my own family from my life and still be a caring person?
I don't feel like it is possible to not help family and yet still want to help others. Or at least I feel like it is wrong, if I can't love my family how am I to love and care about others? I know that all of this is taking away from my family, just take this weekend, I could have gone out with my kids and done something but I was too sick to leave and worried that if I left I might miss a call from someone in need of my help (Mostly my brother). Am I just fooling myself? Do they really need my help or do I just feel this way because I was raised to be everyone's mother?
I am mostly just venting on all of this but if anyone has any advice please give it to me. I am lost in this situation. I am lost and wanting a way to be close to my family without letting them hurt me. Is it possible to have any kind of relationship with my family if I am just going to get hurt every time?
I don't want to put my brother in this category but he does put a lot of stress on me too. I know that my brother tries not to stress me out, which is why he didn't tell me that dad was drinking until a month later and he had already been arrested for drunk and disorderly. I would have told him to leave dad in there but it was my anniversary and he didn't want to ruin it for me. I want my brother to have all the happiness in the world, he just keeps making mistakes that cost him a lot. He had only taken my father out there because he didn't want dad stressing me out and making me sick like he was from Florida.
Things were fine for a while but once dad started drinking again everything went to hell and they were both calling me 2 times a day to "fill me in" on what was going on with the other. They have both been at each others throats for the last month at least.
Right now my brother is very upset with my father, my father said some really bad things and then CPS was called and jayson has put dad out of the house. he has every reason for doing this let me tell you. I suggested that he get a restraining order but I don't think he will do it.
My father is making other comments about my brothers friends and girlfriend. Not a good idea when you have a son that is at least 3 times bigger then you and has a quick temper. I am not worried about my dad because I think that whatever happens my father deserves it. But if my brother hits him he is really gonna hurt him or kill him and I worry that my brother will end up in jail especially because he is on probation.
So, now I don't know what to do. I am for sure going to get another call tonight from my brother and I am sure my dad will call tomorrow when he knows Jemal is at work (He is afraid of Jemal) and what do I do then. Do I just unplug my phones for a day? I don't know that I could do it. I would be worried of missing other calls from friends and that something bad might have happened with my brother and he might need my help.
I know that I can do my best to avoid calls from OK that aren't my brother's number but my brother calling is still stress. I need to figure out and reserve myself to a stress free day or even week.
PART 2
My brother just called and I asked quickly "is everything okay" and he said "yes and no". He is still upset but I just gave him some quick advice and told him to call me after he did that. Then I hung up with him. Maybe there was more he wanted to tell me but I didn't want to hear it. I ended the call quickly and I am going to try to not think about it again until he calls me again tomorrow.
Hopefully my father doesn't call me anymore today, he is drunk so who knows if he will be able to stop himself. I know for sure that he will call me in the morning. He jut has to, he needs his daily dose of "god doesn't like drunks" and he thinks he is Jesus. Yeah, he really does, at least when he is drinking. I never thought jesus would drink so much, cuss so much or want to sleep with so many women.
It is time for me to rejoin the real world for awhile. I had a friend cheer me up a bit in chat but I still haven't gotten the answers to my questions or resolved what I am going to do about my family from now on. I guess that will have to come to me in my sleep or from someone posting on my blog. I will do it one day, I just need to figure out how to do it and not have a serious problem on my hands.
