FreshCaffeine

I started taking Chantix 9 days ago and like I have said before I wasn't having trouble with being nervous about quitting. I had felt up until the moment that I realized that I only had 4 cigarettes left that I had to run out and but more.

Today is day 9, I should have quit on day 8. I am still smoking but I am putting more time between smokes, at least while my husband is around because he has quit in expectation of me quitting again.

I feel like I don't have an option except to quit this time. I don't want to put him thru my smoking again. I feel like I was the reason that he started smoking again after a year of being quit. I don't want to do that to him again.

Gotta Go, made a deal with the devil. Almost bedtime anyway.

Good night

Posted by Kelle at 08:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a feeling that I won't keep posting everyday, but instead post at milestones. I still haven't noticed any side effects. I am feeling really good. I have to admit that I really haven't cut back on my smoking yet. I have noticed that I don't really feel the urge to smoke, I am just smoking out of habit.

Still, I do not feel any pressure about the up coming quit day. I guess it's because it isn't such a final feeling this time. This is really good for me.

I am also hoping that by Saturday these pills will kick in and I will feel happy to let go of my cigarettes. I really want to quit this time too. That could also be helping with this event.

I will update you again on Saturday, I will keep a count of how many cigarettes I smoke after that. I am willing to except that I am going to have a few, I have been smoking for 16 years, it's going to be hard to just quit.

Posted by Kelle at 09:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Another day on Chantix. I feel fine. No side effects to speak of. I still haven't quit smoking but I feel like I can go longer without thinking about having a cigarette.

I signed up for the "Get Quit" support program. According to the site I should be getting calls from the site on a daily basis for the first month or so. Then the calls get further apart up until the 12th week.

The big thing that I have noticed is that I am not nervous like I have been in the past about quitting. Anyone that has been around me when I have tried to quit in the past knows that I get extremely nervous when the quit date gets near. For some reason I can't handle the stress of a quit day. But with this stuff, I haven't even thought about it.

Continue reading "Chantix Day 2" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I started taking Chantix. It is the first week so there really shouldn't be much happening but I wanted to start a blog about it. My doctor called it a "miracle drug" that "works wonders" and she is never so enthusiastic about anything.

With today's dose I didn't notice any side effects and I am really not feeling stressed about the idea of giving up my smokes next week, which is usually a problem for me.

I doubt that I will be posting about it everyday, but I will try to keep up on the progress or lack of. I have to say though that in my research of the drug, I couldn't find anything on the internet about people not quitting using it.

If you want to check it out for yourself you can go to Chantix.com to get lots more information. The key thing to know is that it has a much higher rate of success then other drugs, 44% actually.

Posted by Kelle at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I think that I am going to quit smoking. I have done some research on this new drug called Chantix and I think I am going to give it a try. It is suppose to work by attaching to the parts of the brain that get pleasure from smoking and basically take away the good feeling. I really think that it will work for me. I still have to get approval from my shrink and get the prescription from my doctor. I called up the local Target and found out that it only costs $117 for the starter pack, which is a one month supply. That is so much cheaper then what I am spending on cigarettes these days. I am up to almost 3 packs a day. That really isn't good for me and I know it.

I have been a smoker since I was about 14. I
have been at least a pack a day smoker since then and more recently I
have been at least a 2 pack a day smoker. It just keeps getting worse
with time.

My health is really bad too. I have a Thyroid
problem, Arthritis, Lupus, Bi-Polar, Insomnia, bad lungs, coughing,
high cholesterol and even trouble with my immune system. For myself and
my family I need to quit. It's really the best thing that I can do for
myself.

Why do I want to quit? Maybe I should make a list.

• I am sick of being sick all of the time
• I want to live longer
• I want to spend more time with my family
• I hate smelling like cigarettes
• My room and clothes smell like smoke no matter what I do
• I am coughing a lot, that would end
• My husband would quit again too and I wouldn't feel guilty about smoking while he quit
• I want to live longer
• Cancer runs in my family, and it would reduce my risk
• I could actually wear perfume and the like
• I would be able to breath better
• I would be able to taste food better
• I would overall be happier and proud of myself for doing it finally
• We would have more money (about$330 per month)
• We would be able to do more
• I would reduce the risk of having heart or lung diseases
• My kids would be less likely to start smoking
• I
  could have a nice fresh scent around my house and I can wash all of my
  clothes on my quit day and never have to worry about smelling bad again
• I think that I would make more friends if I could quit smoking
• I would really like to go swimming in the local indoor pool for health reasons and smoking has kept me from doing that
• I want to be able to go out to eat and not have to sneak out for a smoke, the same for movies.

• Because I have a lot of stress in my life and it seems that smoking helps me to cope with all the things that stress me out.
• I like the feeling of smoking, which is why I would smoke the nicotine free cigarettes if they still have them (at Rite Aid) while on Chantix, until I can handle dealing with the physical addiction
• Because
  the first cigarette that I smoked was on the day that my grandfather
  died and it makes me remember him, even though it is such a stupid
  thing to say
• It is relaxing in the morning, after I eat and especially after sex. Nothing else could ever compare to a cigarette after sex.
• I smoke a lot when I am alone. I hate being alone, so I will have to start venturing out of the house to do something each day
• Smoking is always there for me when I am depressed
• All of my friends smoke and I fit in with them
• I
  find it very hard to quit, I have tired about 4 times to quit and I
  haven't made it more then 4 days without going back to smoking
• It keeps me from gaining too much weight. Really...I would eat so much more if I didn't smoke

• Get Okay from Shrink
• Get RX from my doctor
• Take the pills for a week before my quit date (October 2007)
• Smoke the Nicotine Free cigrettes for as long as I have too
• Continue with pills until 12 th week
• If I still have not quit within the first 12 weeks, get another 12 week supply
• Finally quit
  
• Use the money that we would spend on smokes on a family vacation
• Spend an entire weekend washing all of my clothes, blankets, floors and spraying a cleaner on everything. Getting all of the smoke smell out of all of my clothes and house
  

Blogged with Flock

Posted by Kelle at 05:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I am having a BBQ party with friends today and I tried my best to get excited. I was fine until my brother showed up unannounced. I had remembered earlier that today was the anniversary. I tried not to think about it. I looked at the ashes and then put them back in my secret box.

Now that they are here, it is the laughter that is getting to me. should I be enjoying my friends today? Should I just act like i forgot today? Should I put on a fake smile and just walk dead through the whole night? I don't want to, but I don't want to tell them there is a problem either.

I guess I will get my happy face and pretend I can laugh with the rest of them, hell maybe it will make itself real before the day is over. I just need to take some time here and there just to remember and then move on. I hope they don't notice what I am doing.

Gotta go my alone time is over. Wipe the tears and get back to the real world.

Posted by Kelle at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

For the last few days, weeks really, I have been looking into finding the right cremation necklace for my Uncle Paris's ashes. If you wanna know the story about him you can read it here on my blog entry from this past July.

I recently asked my aunt if I could have a small amount of his ashes because it was something that I have wanted to ask her for since the day of his funeral, I just didn't know how to ask it. I finally asked for it as a birthday present. I would have really loved to get one of those diamonds made of ashes but it cost quite a bit of money for just the stone, you have to go elsewhere to have the ring actually made.

Continue reading "Finding the Right Jewelry" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I got the final edit of the write up of the article that is going to go beside the picture of my newest tattoo. I wrote up about 4 pages and they had to reduce it to about 4 paragraphs. I was pretty happy with what they wrote but I did make some changes and sent it back to them and they agreed to the changes that I made and I wanted to share with you the following article that tells the story of why I got this tattoo.

Continue reading "Arabic Tattoo Book" »

Posted by Kelle at 03:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It is 3 am and I am awake. I have been waking up every morning for the last week before 4 am. No matter what time I go to sleep. The night before last I went to bed around 1 am and I still woke up at 4 in the morning. I am also waking up covered in sweat, which has never happened to me in the past but has been a theme of mine for the last week or so.

I intend to call my doctor's today and make some appointments to have this checked out. I don't know if I need something to help me sleep or something to stop the night sweats. I just can't do this any more. I am not getting enough sleep.

Posted by Kelle at 03:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In today's news, my brother arrived back in Maryland after a 3 daylong trip from Oklahoma via Greyhound. I don't really know how to feel about this right now. I am very happy to see him because I have missed him quite a bit since he left a few years ago. However, he left his ex-girlfriend without even saying good-bye to her or her little girl.

I find myself trying to comfort her but I can't do anything for her. My brother did the wrong thing and I couldn't do anything to make him be a real "Man" in this situation. He was so chicken that he told her that he was just coming out for a visit and that he would be coming back in a few weeks.

Continue reading "My Brother is Back..." »

Posted by Kelle at 05:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I knew that it would happen one day, and in case you didn't believe the last post i made, I finally have proof that my father is a whack-job. My brother and I always knew that one day we would see our dad in the paper, we just never thought it would make the front page. They took out my brother and his girlfriends names but his is in there.

You're really not going to believe this, after doing what he did, he was released without bail and he called me this morning. He called me this morning asking for money. I ended up hanging up on him.

Never a dull day in my life. Too many are too stressful.

Posted by Kelle at 06:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been on of the most stress filled days I have had in a long time. I know that the whole thing is going to sound like I made it up, but I swear that every word of it is true.

Today around 3 pm my bother's girlfriend called me and said that my brother had opened a letter from my father, that said on the outside "You will never disrespect me again". When he opened it inside he found dead bird parts and a white powder that got all over his hands.

They had already called the police before calling me and as I was on the phone they were setting up a hazmat area in my brother's front yard and told them that they were not allowed to leave the house and no one could come in either.

My brother meanwhile is sweating a lot, his yes were turning red and his throat was very sore and he was throwing up. I was terrified, I didn't know what to do and being so far away made it even harder to deal with.

Continue reading "A Day in the Life..." »

Posted by Kelle at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am so excited right now. Jemal and I went over to the Honda dealership and I got myself a "Root Beer Metallic" Element SC. The depressing part is that there was a noise coming from the car as we were driving it home and Jemal had to take it back this morning and I won't get it back until at least tomorrow.

But when I get it back it should have most of it's accessories on it. I added the wheel locks, Door Visors (something every smoker needs), a Cargo Net for the trunk, an the hook up for the iPod. It also has standard: XM radio (free for 3 months), Stereo controls on the steering wheel, and whole lot of other stuff. You can check out the actual look of the car here.

The only thing that it doesn't show on the list is that I added the copper interior trim kit. It look really nice and it matches the other stuff on the dash. Another thing is that this car picks up a lot faster and has more information in the dash. There are lights that come on to tell you when you need an oil change, tire rotation and lots of other stuff. It is all digital except for the gauges.

I will be posting pictures once I get the car back during the day.

Posted by Kelle at 04:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is just a little post that may seem pretty corny to most of you but it is something that I think I need to say, something I want everyone to know. I really do love being married, it is so much better then when I was single.

1. I am happy to be able to share all of my special moments with my very best friend, forever. Having your best friend share all of your favorite moments and to have a person that wants to be by your side as you discover the world is amazing. You always feel safe no matter where you are or what you are doing.
2. It is much warmer in bed when there is someone to cuddle with, even though we have a king sized bed, I know he is there and sometimes when he is sleeping I will just touch his face with my hand and I smile.
3. It is wonderful to have someone who knows me so well and doesn't use the things he knows to hurt me. So often in relationships once you share a secret with that other special person they will use it against you in every single fight you have, just to hurt you
4. We never fight, we have disagreements, but we do not fight. We especially don't even disagree in front of the children. We discuss things like adults should and com to an agreement about what should be done or how something should be done. I really love our relationship for that reason
5. I know he will always protect me and would never hurt me
6. No matter how many problems we face, we always have each other and no matter what we can make thru, with each others help
7. I feel safe getting his name tattooed on my arm because I know we will never leave each other.
8. It is nice to know that even when I am at my lowest he can still see the light in me. Some how he can see something in me that I don't even know sometimes and it helps me to see these things in myself and in other people as well.
9. No one is perfect but he is perfect for me. I know that no matter what may happen in the future we will always love each other and will always want to be together, and not just for the kids.
10. When it comes to the kids he makes a great buddy and friend, he knows just what to do to make the kids smile. They both love and adore him, I can see why. he knows just when they need to be tickled and he knows when it's time to pick them up and throw them in the air.
11. It is a wonderful feeling to know that there is always going to be someone there for you, holding you, letting you cry on their shoulders and to listen to you even when I am not making any sense to myself.
12. I love that he doesn't expect me to change, and I don't expect him to either. We fell in love with each other this way and we understand that each of us has our faults. It's okay to get annoyed once in a while because of something the other person does. Just don't let it ruin a great relationship.
13. No matter how sick I get or can't do something for on reason or another my husband is right there, no questions asked, he will do anything that needs to be done, I can't thank him enough for that
14. My husband knows how to make me feel like the only women in the world. When we are out in public I never see his eyes stray off to the blondes walking by, instead he will smack my butt or put his arm around me. I really love him for that. My self-esteem isn't the greatest but he makes me feel wonderful
15. I know that from now until the end of time he will never tell me what to do, he will only suggest what I should do and if I don't agree he just stays out of it, so that I learn my lesson because he is almost always right about certain things
16. When we have days off he will go to Mcdonald's in the snow, rain, hail, whatever to get me my Egg McMuffin and hash browns at 9 in the morning, just to make me happy.
17. I never have to worry about what I say, I can talk to him about anything. I love that I can talk to him about my problems and he doesn't just tune me out, he actually gives me his attention, unless f course we are watching something good on TV, but we have Tivo, so that helps, he can pause when I say something and continue watching when I am done talking.
18. We share a lot of the same likes and dislikes, however there are things he likes that I don't and vice versa. This is a good thing because it gives us things to talk to each other about and it gives both of us some time apart (Absence makes the heart grow fonder), then when we are together doing something we both like it feels special, even if it is just watching TV.
19. We learned very early in our relationship that even with a king size bed and a king sized blanket, we each needed our own. Both of us like to steal blankets, I however also steal pillows (he will never let me forget about that night). It is nice to have my own blanket at night, and I am sure he is happy to have his.
20. Since we have been married and other then the nights he was away from home, we have never gone to bed with out giving each other a kiss and we have never gone to bed mad at each other either. No matter what has happened we fix it before we go to sleep. Nothing is that terrible that we should make the other one suffer all night for it.

Continue reading "20 Reasons I am Happy to be Married" »

Posted by Kelle at 07:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today I finally got out to see my pain doctor today and I am back on Morphine again. I will also be taking Ultracet as well for "break thru pain". I am much happier now. I was actually able to clean up, make a ton of phone calls and set up my meditation area today.

I am very excited about the idea of Buddhism right now. I don't believe in a God, but the beliefs of Buddhism (as I have read so far) are just a good way to live my life and supposedly will help me with my stress and pain via meditation.

Continue reading "No More Pain" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For the last few days a lot of things have been happening. It mostly has to do with my brother and my father but somehow I got caught in the middle of this atomic bomb. I don't like this feeling. I feel trapped and I don't know how to tell anyone that I want out of this mess. They continue to call me as if I were there and could help them. I can't do anything 800 miles away. All I can do is listen to their respective situations and tell them what I would do, and do they actually follow my advice, no. Then they just come at me with new problems because they didn't do what I told them to in the first place. The world would be so much simpler for me if everyone just listened to me for once.

Continue reading "I need help" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is my Laminated List for future reference and it is no particular order:

• Brad Pitt of course
• Matthew Lillard (don't laugh)
• Seth Green, I think he is a cutie
• James Marsters (Just look at the picture and imagine a great british accent, I just melt)
• Johnny Depp (After playing a pirate I am addicted, not like I haven't been since 21 Jump Street)

Let me know what your list looks like.

Posted by Kelle at 02:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Jemal and I have been talking about this for days, it's the age old question, If you were to be trapped on a desert island for the rest of your life what 10 CD's would you have to have?. These are the CD's that I would have to have to survive on an island by myself forever.

• Pearl Jam- 10


• Green Day - Warning


• The Ramones - Mania (it has 30 songs on it)


• G. Love and the Special Sauce - Best of...


• John Lennon - Legend


• NoFX - War on Errorism


• Nirvana - Nevermind


• The Who - Tommy


• Bare Naked Ladies - Stunt


• Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes

Continue reading "My Desert Island" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

So all the planning I have done for the past few months has all finally happened and now the only thing I can do is start planning for next year to make it better then this year. I already have some great ideas, but I will share them with you another time. I guess the only thing to do now is to post a like to the site with all the photos from today and a few new photos of the house too. We redid the basement bath and the sitting room (Jemal's Room) too since I last posted pictures. Here's the link and have a happy New Year!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/freshcaffeine

Posted by Kelle at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It has been a while since I posted anything and part of the reason is that I have been too busy to write and the other half is that I haven't felt like writing anything. Today I just thought I would do a little catch up and let everyone know how things are going. Well, GG is gone for an undetermined amount of time and while she is gone Jemal and I actually have to do some parenting and cleaning. You don't know what you got til it's gone. I haven't had as much fun with my kids though when she was here.

Continue reading "Trying to learn how to be a good mother and wife" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am picking up my new glasses by Thursday or maybe Friday. Hopefully they will help with the double vision that I have had for a while and I will be able to drive again without some of my fear. (I know my problem is more then just vision but I will have no excuse not to try to drive because I will be able to see fine again.) I don't know if I won't be willing to drive at night for some time but I will try to drive more in the daytime while the kids are in school.

I figure I can just take a few short trips a few times a week until I build up the strength and will power to venture onto the bigger highways and roads. I may even attempt to make a visit to my friends house (about 20 mins away) at least once a month instead of her having to come to my house all the time to see me.

I can really start making more goals or myself. I have started a list of about 30-50 things that I would like to accomplish over the next year. I am hoping to at least get 75% of those these things done in the year I am giving myself. I may need some help with a few of the things on my list so far but a lot of it I can do myself and need to do myself.

Continue reading "New Eye Glasses" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I wanted to point-out today that I finally reached 100 posts on my mythology site today. I am very excited about the new format I have. I am really enjoying writing about my myths and legends from around the world. Today I discovered just how great Wikipedia is for doing this. I can now add links to Wiki pages and make the site even more descriptive. I see good things happening for the site now that is has more information and more detailed information by way of following links to other pages and Wiki descriptions. I would encourage all my friends and family to check out the site and give me your opinion on the what you think of the site.

Each post also has comments on so if you like something or just want to make a silly comment it will make my day, because so far no one has commented on my site and it is hard to be so excited about something and not get any feedback on it. I would love to have discussions on the myth posts about them, I love the topic and it covers a lot of things that I don't think many people have heard of.

The whole point to the site is to make it into basically an encyclopedia of all the myths I can find in the world. If you have any suggestions on myths, legends or folklore you would like to see up there just tell me and I will find it. Many things on my list are not found anywhere on the net, which I found fascinating since you would think someone would have written something about these things by now but I guess I am the only one.

Posted by Kelle at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I got to open my gifts, because the kids will be in school on my actual birthday. My hubby and the kids picked out some great gifts for me. I am very happy. I got a nice set of clear speakers for my MAC, that are much louder then the internal speakers that come with the G5. I also got a dock for my iPod that hooks up to my TV, which has a pretty loud sound system attached to it. Jemal had my widows tinted on my Element, I got Silent HIll the movie (because i love the games) , I also got Lost season 1 to watch with Jemal. I don't know if he will watch Silent HIll or not, he hated playing the games (but he did it for me I think).

I am getting McD's for breakfast and steamed crabs for lunch. I am so excited about crabs. I haven't had them in a few years and being from Maryland that is almost a sin. I would like to see how the kids do at opening crabs. I doubt that Jared will be eating them but I will see if he will try at least one.

Continue reading "Happy Birthday to Me" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

What is the best thing I can do for you for your birthday in the condition I am in? I can't throw a great party and invite both of our friends. I can't even go upstairs to decorate and surprise you. We have already given you your gifts which for once were more things you really wanted rather then the typical sentimental gifts I give you. So, today I am giving you a Birthday post for your 32nd birthday.

We have been together for almost 8 years now. You have been a wonderful husband and father to our two children and I couldn't imagine having a better best friend then you. I want today to be special for you but instead you are going to be putting together furniture and decorating Sierra's room as well as the bathroom because I can't do a damn thing to help. I am sorry about that. I wish there was something special I could do for you.

So, Happy Birthday Sweetie and I hope you enjoy your day as best you can. I am trying to let you sleep in but soon I am going to have to wake you so you can feed Jared. I wish I could get to him and have him wish you a happy birthday. He has a good memory though and he might just remember himself.

Lastly, I love you!

Posted by Kelle at 08:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I went into the hospital to day at 12:30 on the dot. I was so nervous to have the surgery done that I was timing everything to the minute. I went and signed in at the administration office and then waited to be seen and given my chart.

Then we walked down the hall and sat in the waiting room for about an hour. I couldn't concentrate on my book because I was so nervous and the room was filled with people (I have social anxiety disorder) and that just made things worse for me.

Once they called my name I went back into the freezing cold staging rooms they have. they made me take off the clothes that I wore specifically because I wanted to stay warm because I remembered how cold it was last time (I even wore two pairs of socks because my feet get very cold). They must have brought me about 6 blankets from the blanket warmer (I want one at home) before I finally saw my doctor.

Continue reading "Recovery after knee surgery" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I got a call yesterday that they were changing the time of my surgery by an hour and a half. Now I have to wait even longer and be even more nervous about it. I just hope when I get there it all goes fast. I am smoking like a chimney because I have nothing better to do with my time right now.

I have already put on my surgery clothes and organized my bedroom so that I will be able to reach everything when I am stuck in bed for 3 days. I even bought a new pillow and a book last night, along with some art supplies. However, I found out this morning that my easel is broken and I won't be able to paint like I had hoped.

The book I got is called Wicked. It's about the life and times of the wicked witch. You know, the one from OZ? So far it isn't what I expected but it is really good.

Posted by Kelle at 10:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am rather nervous and tense right now. I want to get out of the house so bad. I feel like I am going to be stuck in bed for weeks and that this is my last chance at freedom.

I don't like this feeling at all, but I don't know what to do about it. I am still in pain from the previous surgery and I am willing to risk it by going out to the store.

Continue reading "Surgery Tomorrow" »

Posted by Kelle at 03:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My doctor just put me on the stuff for "chronic pain" she said. I started taking it a few days ago and I really notice a change. I still feel the deep pains but all the little ones are gone. It's not even a pain medication it's a psych med. I don't understand how it works but I can't find anything online about that part of it either.

All I know is that I am feeling better and able to do more. Now, my next surgery is coming up on the 10th and I am a little worried about that because the other knee hasn't healed all the way yet and I am going to have two busted knees until they both heal.

Jemal, I feel so sorry for him because he has to drive me everywhere right now. He is missing a lot of work and just sitting around in places waiting for me to be seen. Although, I have to say I like having him there.

Posted by Kelle at 06:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This Barbie Girl Video was made by my 11 year old daughter! It is so cute and yet scary at the same time.

Posted by Kelle at 07:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I received a letter from my pain management doctor telling me that he isn't going to treat me anymore because I got medication from my orthopedist after my surgery. They say it some how breaks the agreement I made with them in the beginning of my service, a year ago. There is really nothing I can do about it right now and I am going to have to wait until I get my surgery done to get pain medication again but I feel very depressed by the letter because it automatically assumes that I am a drug addict by literally saying that, then listing addiction counselors at the end of the letter.

I wrote my own letter back and CC: all of my other doctors that the letter went out to, still some how I don't feel any better about the whole thing. I still feel like my doctors are going to look at me and wonder what I am on or if I was shooting up today or something like that.

What do I do in a situation like this? I want to cry and i want to yell at the doctor for doing this. because I got medication for a surgery? This makes no sense and they say I did it 3 times and I didn't, how am I suppose to change their minds?

Now I have to find another Pain Management Doc and the closest one is in the city. I hate going in to the city.I am hoping this will get straightened out soon and I can go back to my doctor. It is right up the street from me and I hate to drive. I know that isn't true, I would never go back there for anything, not after the way the letter was written, maybe sometime soon I will type it out for all of you to read, as for today I am done and I have to lay down and eat the lobster my hubby got me to make me feel better. Isn't he sweet?

Posted by Kelle at 07:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today is Saturday and I am finally starting to feel better with my new medication. I have been taking methadone with the percocet to help with the pain and I guess it had to build up in my system in order for it to really work. I got sick the first day that I took it but that could have been some left over sickness from trying the morphine (Kadian) again. So, the pills are helping and I am able to move around a lot more. I need my knee to heal fast so I can get my next surgery done sooner.

One problem that I have been having is that my left knee (the one that hasn't had surgery yet) has been getting stiff and painful for the last 5 mornings. I couldn't figure out the cause but last night I left my heater on on all night and it didn't hurt when I woke up. But I was very hot and so was Jemal all night long. I don't think this is going to be the solution to the problem.

Continue reading "Another Day" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am writing this letter to you and somehow I know that you will find a way to read it. It has been 5 years from tomorrow that it all happened and I don’t know how to forgive you. I try everyday not to think about it, but it will never fade from my mind. It not just what you did to me either, it’s what you did to all of us. I loved you and tried to treat you like the greatest man in the world. I know you had a hard time in life, we all do in our own way but sometimes you just have to think about someone other then yourself. Did you?

Continue reading "Dear Uncle Paris," »

Posted by Kelle at 05:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

On Wednesday, my father called from a gas station and said that he had nowhere to stay. All of the people he came here looking for were gone and he had nowhere else to go. So, the plan he had to start over with Barb (his ex-girlfriend and crack head) wasn’t going to be possible. It was going to be raining Wednesday night and I was feeling bad that he was going to have to walk around in the rain all night long with nowhere to stay and he needed to eat and drink something but he had no money to do that.

I had to call Jemal at work and ask him to leave early and pick my dad up and bring him to my house. My intentions were to give him some food and drinks so that at least I did something for him instead of leaving him out in the cold. When he arrived, he had nothing, no clothes, no money and no wallet. He had absolutely nothing with him except the shirt and pants he was wearing. So, Jemal found some t-shirts that he was willing to give away and I found a couple of pairs of sweatpants that would fit him and we made him a duffel bag with some things in it, including some smokes and sodas.

Continue reading "Dad is Gone.." »

Posted by Kelle at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

First, last night my brother called me and said that he wanted to tell dad that he should come to Oklahoma instead of coming here to be a problem for me. I thought this was very sweet of my brother because he was thinking about my health and what having dad here will do to me. He suggested that dad could stay with him until he could get a job and on his feet. Jayson said that out there they have trailers for rent at $150 a month including utilities. It would have been a great idea if we had gotten the information to dad before he got the bus ticket but Jayson didn’t call me until last night to tell me and apparently Dad was already here.

Now, my dad has arrived in Baltimore and called me this morning. I had been banking on the fact that he would get arrested again before he was able to get on the bus back home. Instead, he is here and he has nowhere to live again. I don’t want him to start using me to make phone calls and wanting me to let him stay here. I have explain to him all of the reasons that he can’t stay here. I don’t want him to put me in a position that I feel like I have to say yes.

Continue reading "My Dad is Here" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don’t know how it happens but every time I think of my father, I get sick. I will even throw-up sometimes. Right now, I am nauseous at the idea of him coming closer to where I am. Every time it’s on my mind or even if I just hear his name, I get a little sick inside. Today I thought he was supposed to call and I have been sniffling all day and I have a soar throat. My doctors were right; too much stress makes me sick. It is really a crazy thing to have happen to your body and it means that I really have to watch what is going on in my life if I don’t want things to get out of hand. This makes creating rules for my father even more important then ever.

The same is true for the rest of my family, just not as much. I can deal with my mother for small amounts of time, depending on what she wants to talk about. When she starts talking about my dad or the past I just can’t take it and I have to hang up o9n her or tell her I have to go in chats online. Sometimes it can just be too much to listen to. She also doesn’t remember things the way that I do, meaning the truth. She has a bad habit of lying about stuff or making up things that I know never happened. She also has never said she was sorry in my entire life. All of the mistakes she has made with my brother and me are just things we are supposed to forget and she does the same.

My brother has finally understood that I can’t handle stress and he makes a good effort to not talk about things that will upset me in anyway. I love him for trying so hard. If things are bad for him he will just tell me that he can’t talk, I usually make him because I know that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about his problems and I want to help. Some how it is easier now to listen to him without getting too upset. I am his big sister and it is my job to help him when he needs it. I still stick to my rule of not sending him money when he asks and he has stopped asking. This makes me happy because my brother isn’t the best at being considerate of other people.

Continue reading "Physically Sick and Excited too" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This morning I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was a Florida number and I was preparing myself to yell at my father because he said he would only call once a week. However, it was a charity group that buys bus tickets for people who want to get off the streets and go home. My father had told them that he was going to come back to Maryland and live with my family and me.

Let me just tell you that even if I wanted to he couldn’t stay here. We have 3 bedrooms and 5 people her already. My husband and I made a Master bedroom out of the basement so that we could keep my grandmother here with us. I am not about to let him stay here any way because I don’t want him having any kind of influence on my kids.

Continue reading "What to do?" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Since my surgery I haven't been able to do much. My knee is swollen up like a grapefruit and I can't walk very well, but I am doing exercises to try to make the swelling and the pain go away.

I was very nervous about the surgery, I had worried that I might end up worse then where I had started but so far it seems to be okay. I just hope that I heal faster from this then I have with my left ankle (I sprained it in March of 2005 and I still have trouble and pain with it). I can bend it a little and I can walk on it without the crutches for short periods of time but I am not running any races anytime soon. I also have a lot of trouble getting up and down the stairs. When I bend my knee I get this really hard lump on the side of my knee. I was worried about it so I called my doctor and he says it's just fluid and stuff that will go away with some time.

Continue reading "Getting Bored" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am having a harder and harder time dealing with everyday stress. My main problems include the fact that I can’t handle driving far away from home, about 15-20 miles, by myself. I used to be able to drive anywhere at anytime and I enjoyed it. Now, I can’t stand to drive in the rain or when it gets dark outside. I have this other driving fear that is kind of crazy, I don’t like exits or sharp turns in the road. I have actually taken the long way many times just to avoid those spots in the road. If I do take the curves, I can’t seem to do it at a normal rate of speed. I sometimes try to go to doctor’s appointment and I either cancel them or I turn around halfway there because I am just too nervous to make the drive.

Along with that are my fears of being around a lot of people, or people I don’t know, and daily worries about my health, relationships and things that I have to do each day.

Continue reading "The Stress of Driving" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It is finally happening, my surgeries are scheduled for June 1st. They are going to start with my right knee and my right shoulder. The right knee is actually getting surgery and the right shoulder is getting a cortisone injection.

I am both excited and nervous at the same time. I am going to be put to sleep for the whole thing so that is good at least. Hopefully, if the right knee gets fixed I will be able to walk more/longer after just a few months of physical therapy. I haven’t been able to walk more then about 15-30 minutes without having to sit down for the last 2 years or more. It got worse with my ankle but my knees are really bad.

Continue reading "Finally" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I recently found out from my PCP (primary care physician) that my blood test came back with a very low sodium reading. It was because of this that my psychiatrist decided along with my PCP that I should go off of the Trileptal.

I have tried to do this many times in the past because I just didn’t think the medication was right for me but I had a lot of problems doing it. My shrink said to do it cold turkey, this bothers me since she knows that I have had withdrawal problems in the past but she says that my sodium levels are too low to wait any longer. Who knew you needed salt so badly?

Continue reading "Withdrawals from Trileptal" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

(I started writing this on Saturday but I got too stressed to write anymore and now I am finishing it on Sunday.)

Yesterday was a very bad day for the Hogan/Barton family. My mother, brother and father all had court on the same day, but for different things in different places. Maybe it was just Karma day, I don’t know. It was a very stressful day for me to say the least. I was getting phone calls every 15 minutes and I was trying to help everyone with their problems. This is something I should be avoiding but under the circumstance, I felt that I had to and that it was my family so I really had no choice. I wanted to help my brother as I always do and my mother just seemed helpless and in need of some kind of help and ides. As for my father, I don’t really care what happens to him at this point anything is better then having him on the streets, being drunk and calling me all of the time.

Continue reading "Family Court Friday" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I finally got around to seeing my orthopedist yesterday and I finally have a game plan for what he is going to do to fix me up and what exactly is wrong with me. It was a long wait in the doctor’s office. I saw a woman in her late 70’s at least with this wire thing attached to her hand that looked like something out of a horror movie and it scared me. I waited for about a half an hour before I went in to the actual patient room, where I didn’t get to see the doctor, instead I saw an assistant who asked me what I was there for.

I explained to the assistant that I had just fallen the day before, my ankle had given out on me again and I fell getting out of my car. This is about the 20th time that my ankle has just given out on me and caused me to fall down in some way. I also told her that the doctor at the pain management center found bone spurs on my shoulders and I think that is what has been causing me so much pain for the last few years there. Then I talked to her about my knees and all the trouble that I have had with them and that I can barely walk through the grocery store without them hurting and having to sit down.

Continue reading "Surgeries" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had my first appointment yesterday with the Chief Director of Rheumotology at John's Hopkins. I was expecting the appointment to take some time and to have a lot of questions, but I had filled out the 15 page form they sent me (how much more could they possibly need to know) and I wrote 6 pages more information that I thought would be important to my doctors. I wanted to make sure that this appointment went smoothly and quickly. Instead it took 2 1/2 hours.

I was going there to find out if I had Lupus or not and if yes what kind, if not what else I might have. I got weighed and my bones felt and I had to bend over with a tape measure on my back. I found out that I am hyper-flexable which apparently is a bad thing. I never even thought anything of it before. The knuckles of my fingers can bend backwards in a way that normal peoples can't and the doctor said that it might be the cause of my hand pain. Some how I am over flexing my fingers and it is causing them to hurt. This is possible since I know that I sleep with them in a bent position that now I know is wrong.

Continue reading "1st Appointment" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Happy Easter everyone! While Jemal and I were suppose to do an overhaul on the basement this weekend it turns out that we just don't have the energy to do that kind of thing. We managed to organize a few shelves and get rid of a lot of trash that we had been saving for the last few years. So I am at least happy that we got that stuff out of here. Next week we will have to empty out the closet and start going through that stuff. There is so much stuff in there that the door barely shuts anymore.

I am also going to start doing something that I said I would never do. I am going to make a scrapbook for each of my kids and a family scrapbook. I know, I know. What is happening to me? I figure I should make something to replace the baby books that I never filled out for them and maybe when they grow up they will be happy with the book they each get. Plus, I have nothing else to do.

Continue reading "Happy Easter" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It has been a while since I have written anything and I thought I should just write a little update so that everyone knows what is going on right now. There really isn't a lot to say at this point I am still waiting to see some doctors. I have an appointment on the 19th at Johns Hopkins to see the Rheumatologist and find out if this is Lupus or something like Lupus or what. Then I have another appointment on the 20th to see a Pulmonologist about the Lung Polyp they just found on Monday.

I am a little worried about the lung polyp because I did a goggle search for information about it and they all came back with CANCER information. Jemal told me to stop looking things up on the internet and wait until I see the doctor. So, I am trying not to think about that because it could be anything. I have so many problems that it could just be another kind of cyst like the one that I had on my back or something like that. And my Endocrinologist had already told me that she thought that I might have through polyps so I should ask him about that while I am there too.

Continue reading "More Stuff About Me" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I really just wanted to write a very short post tonight about what my doctor told me today. It seems that some blood tests from my hospital stay came back positive for Lupus, or at least I have the symptoms plus the required blood test requirement to mean I have Lupus. What does this mean for me? I finally have a name for all of the problems I have been having all of these years. The other side is that Lupus does not have a cure. I can’t be fixed like I have been hoping for so long. It's also not a life threatening thing either, I guess it is just going to be a different way to live.

I have been reading so much on the net about it today that I think my eyes are going blurry again. All of the symptoms seem to fit and my doctor explained that it is the cause of all of my immune problems too. Because my body is weak, it can’t fight off infections and when I get stressed, it is even worse. A friend told me these are called “flare ups” in the Lupus world. After reading everything I did, I wondered why my doctor never did anything about it before, although she said that I had a 0 negative ANA test in the past. She did not tell me what type of Lupus that I have I am just looking things up on the internet and trying to figure out which on fits the best, she actually said "there is no name yet for what you have, it's a type of Lupus".

She said over the phone that it was the connection between my thyroid, arthritis and immune system problems. It made sense finally. I couldn't understand before why I had all of these small things that seemed to fit together and I knew that they were part of something bigger because they didn't included all of my symptoms. With this new diagnosis it all makes sense. With the stress comes my colds and pneumonias, along with various other immune attacking problems that just never seem to get better. Maybe with the treatment of the Lupus I will feel healthier. I can hope. It means more then ever that I have o learn not to stress over stuff.

Now I guess I am happy, scared, nervous, relieved, angry and confused all at once right now. I have to make an appointment to see a specialist at Johns Hopkins as soon as possible, according to my doctor. I am trying not to be too upset until then because I know that even then I am going to have to wait for more tests.

I will continue to write more as I find out more but for now I just wanted all of my friends and family to know what was happening with me.

Posted by Kelle at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am in so much pain right now I can’t even lay down to go to bed. I tried but it didn’t work. So, here I am typing away when I would much rather be sleeping. The pain is coming from my left side and my doctor said today that basically I have to wait until they get some tests done to see exactly what the problem is before she can do anything about it. I wish I could convey to her exactly how much pain I am in. This hurts more then having either of my kids, really. At least that didn’t last this long.

She said that I could go back into the hospital if I wanted to get this taken care of faster, and if the pain doesn’t stop soon I might have to. I don’t like to admit that I feel pain, a really don’t. I usually can handle a lot of things but tonight is really bad and I don’t know what to do. I guess I could go back into the hospital again and suffer through that. It would help me quit smoking I guess. And they would probably help me with the pain and give me all of the tests that I need. I just don’t know if I can put my family through all of that again and myself. It was hard being alone all of those days.

Continue reading "Pain" »