FreshCaffeine

I have a feeling that I won't keep posting everyday, but instead post at milestones. I still haven't noticed any side effects. I am feeling really good. I have to admit that I really haven't cut back on my smoking yet. I have noticed that I don't really feel the urge to smoke, I am just smoking out of habit.

Still, I do not feel any pressure about the up coming quit day. I guess it's because it isn't such a final feeling this time. This is really good for me.

I am also hoping that by Saturday these pills will kick in and I will feel happy to let go of my cigarettes. I really want to quit this time too. That could also be helping with this event.

I will update you again on Saturday, I will keep a count of how many cigarettes I smoke after that. I am willing to except that I am going to have a few, I have been smoking for 16 years, it's going to be hard to just quit.

Posted by Kelle at 09:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Another day on Chantix. I feel fine. No side effects to speak of. I still haven't quit smoking but I feel like I can go longer without thinking about having a cigarette.

I signed up for the "Get Quit" support program. According to the site I should be getting calls from the site on a daily basis for the first month or so. Then the calls get further apart up until the 12th week.

The big thing that I have noticed is that I am not nervous like I have been in the past about quitting. Anyone that has been around me when I have tried to quit in the past knows that I get extremely nervous when the quit date gets near. For some reason I can't handle the stress of a quit day. But with this stuff, I haven't even thought about it.

Continue reading "Chantix Day 2" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I started taking Chantix. It is the first week so there really shouldn't be much happening but I wanted to start a blog about it. My doctor called it a "miracle drug" that "works wonders" and she is never so enthusiastic about anything.

With today's dose I didn't notice any side effects and I am really not feeling stressed about the idea of giving up my smokes next week, which is usually a problem for me.

I doubt that I will be posting about it everyday, but I will try to keep up on the progress or lack of. I have to say though that in my research of the drug, I couldn't find anything on the internet about people not quitting using it.

If you want to check it out for yourself you can go to Chantix.com to get lots more information. The key thing to know is that it has a much higher rate of success then other drugs, 44% actually.

Posted by Kelle at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I think that I am going to quit smoking. I have done some research on this new drug called Chantix and I think I am going to give it a try. It is suppose to work by attaching to the parts of the brain that get pleasure from smoking and basically take away the good feeling. I really think that it will work for me. I still have to get approval from my shrink and get the prescription from my doctor. I called up the local Target and found out that it only costs $117 for the starter pack, which is a one month supply. That is so much cheaper then what I am spending on cigarettes these days. I am up to almost 3 packs a day. That really isn't good for me and I know it.

I have been a smoker since I was about 14. I
have been at least a pack a day smoker since then and more recently I
have been at least a 2 pack a day smoker. It just keeps getting worse
with time.

My health is really bad too. I have a Thyroid
problem, Arthritis, Lupus, Bi-Polar, Insomnia, bad lungs, coughing,
high cholesterol and even trouble with my immune system. For myself and
my family I need to quit. It's really the best thing that I can do for
myself.

Why do I want to quit? Maybe I should make a list.

• I am sick of being sick all of the time
• I want to live longer
• I want to spend more time with my family
• I hate smelling like cigarettes
• My room and clothes smell like smoke no matter what I do
• I am coughing a lot, that would end
• My husband would quit again too and I wouldn't feel guilty about smoking while he quit
• I want to live longer
• Cancer runs in my family, and it would reduce my risk
• I could actually wear perfume and the like
• I would be able to breath better
• I would be able to taste food better
• I would overall be happier and proud of myself for doing it finally
• We would have more money (about$330 per month)
• We would be able to do more
• I would reduce the risk of having heart or lung diseases
• My kids would be less likely to start smoking
• I
  could have a nice fresh scent around my house and I can wash all of my
  clothes on my quit day and never have to worry about smelling bad again
• I think that I would make more friends if I could quit smoking
• I would really like to go swimming in the local indoor pool for health reasons and smoking has kept me from doing that
• I want to be able to go out to eat and not have to sneak out for a smoke, the same for movies.

• Because I have a lot of stress in my life and it seems that smoking helps me to cope with all the things that stress me out.
• I like the feeling of smoking, which is why I would smoke the nicotine free cigarettes if they still have them (at Rite Aid) while on Chantix, until I can handle dealing with the physical addiction
• Because
  the first cigarette that I smoked was on the day that my grandfather
  died and it makes me remember him, even though it is such a stupid
  thing to say
• It is relaxing in the morning, after I eat and especially after sex. Nothing else could ever compare to a cigarette after sex.
• I smoke a lot when I am alone. I hate being alone, so I will have to start venturing out of the house to do something each day
• Smoking is always there for me when I am depressed
• All of my friends smoke and I fit in with them
• I
  find it very hard to quit, I have tired about 4 times to quit and I
  haven't made it more then 4 days without going back to smoking
• It keeps me from gaining too much weight. Really...I would eat so much more if I didn't smoke

• Get Okay from Shrink
• Get RX from my doctor
• Take the pills for a week before my quit date (October 2007)
• Smoke the Nicotine Free cigrettes for as long as I have too
• Continue with pills until 12 th week
• If I still have not quit within the first 12 weeks, get another 12 week supply
• Finally quit
  
• Use the money that we would spend on smokes on a family vacation
• Spend an entire weekend washing all of my clothes, blankets, floors and spraying a cleaner on everything. Getting all of the smoke smell out of all of my clothes and house
  

Blogged with Flock

Posted by Kelle at 05:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I am having a BBQ party with friends today and I tried my best to get excited. I was fine until my brother showed up unannounced. I had remembered earlier that today was the anniversary. I tried not to think about it. I looked at the ashes and then put them back in my secret box.

Now that they are here, it is the laughter that is getting to me. should I be enjoying my friends today? Should I just act like i forgot today? Should I put on a fake smile and just walk dead through the whole night? I don't want to, but I don't want to tell them there is a problem either.

I guess I will get my happy face and pretend I can laugh with the rest of them, hell maybe it will make itself real before the day is over. I just need to take some time here and there just to remember and then move on. I hope they don't notice what I am doing.

Gotta go my alone time is over. Wipe the tears and get back to the real world.

Posted by Kelle at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The day before Mother's Day I wanted to get everything ready so I went to get my camera out of my purse where it always is and it wasn't there. I have been having memory problems for the past few weeks and I don't know what I did with it. I know that at some point I cleaned it out to make it lighter to go to an appointment but I don't know what i did with the stuff that i took out of my purse.

I am losing everything. I used to be obsessively organized. I don't know what happened. I don't know what changed because I can't remember when it all started. I didn't notice it until I couldn't remember what had happened on a TV show from week to week, to the point that I would actually think that we had missed the past weeks episode. It would take 10 minutes of Jemal explaining it all to me for me to remember bits and pieces.

Continue reading "Lost Memory: Reward" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday I figured something out. I had been wondering and sharing with all of you my fear of driving. While I was on my way home from a doctor's appointment, that is a few more miles away from home that I am comfortable with, I figured out why I don't like to drive.

I know that this is going to sound either very obvious or really strange I don't really know. I guess I will know from your responses.

Let me just give you the short version first. I have been in 5 pretty bad car incidents in my life. After the last one and we got a new car my husband drove everywhere for about a year. I had at first an for awhile blamed him driving all the time for my fear of driving, but really I needed to look back a little further.

Continue reading "Adventures in Driving" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Last night, I did something that I didn't think I could do. I went to a birthday party. I was so proud of myself because I was able to pull myself together and go to the party. I even stayed at the party for about 5 hours.

Before hand I had been crying off and on for several hours because I felt guilty that I had made it to his wife's birthday and that I wasn't going to make it to his. I was just so terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle being around people that I didn't know. I thought that I would have to leave immediately after we arrived.

After all of the worrying I decided at the last moment to go and I ended up having a great time, I won $30 at poker and met a lot of nice people. I was even able to stay at the party for about 5 hours. I also made a new friend last night too.

I think that slowly I am getting over my fears. I have even been able to drive further then before. I am looking forward to doing all of the things I used to do. I really think that I am on the road to getting over my fears. I am hopeful of all the things I will be doing in the future.

Posted by Kelle at 05:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It is 3 am and I am awake. I have been waking up every morning for the last week before 4 am. No matter what time I go to sleep. The night before last I went to bed around 1 am and I still woke up at 4 in the morning. I am also waking up covered in sweat, which has never happened to me in the past but has been a theme of mine for the last week or so.

I intend to call my doctor's today and make some appointments to have this checked out. I don't know if I need something to help me sleep or something to stop the night sweats. I just can't do this any more. I am not getting enough sleep.

Posted by Kelle at 03:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In today's news, my brother arrived back in Maryland after a 3 daylong trip from Oklahoma via Greyhound. I don't really know how to feel about this right now. I am very happy to see him because I have missed him quite a bit since he left a few years ago. However, he left his ex-girlfriend without even saying good-bye to her or her little girl.

I find myself trying to comfort her but I can't do anything for her. My brother did the wrong thing and I couldn't do anything to make him be a real "Man" in this situation. He was so chicken that he told her that he was just coming out for a visit and that he would be coming back in a few weeks.

Continue reading "My Brother is Back..." »

Posted by Kelle at 05:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I knew that it would happen one day, and in case you didn't believe the last post i made, I finally have proof that my father is a whack-job. My brother and I always knew that one day we would see our dad in the paper, we just never thought it would make the front page. They took out my brother and his girlfriends names but his is in there.

You're really not going to believe this, after doing what he did, he was released without bail and he called me this morning. He called me this morning asking for money. I ended up hanging up on him.

Never a dull day in my life. Too many are too stressful.

Posted by Kelle at 06:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been on of the most stress filled days I have had in a long time. I know that the whole thing is going to sound like I made it up, but I swear that every word of it is true.

Today around 3 pm my bother's girlfriend called me and said that my brother had opened a letter from my father, that said on the outside "You will never disrespect me again". When he opened it inside he found dead bird parts and a white powder that got all over his hands.

They had already called the police before calling me and as I was on the phone they were setting up a hazmat area in my brother's front yard and told them that they were not allowed to leave the house and no one could come in either.

My brother meanwhile is sweating a lot, his yes were turning red and his throat was very sore and he was throwing up. I was terrified, I didn't know what to do and being so far away made it even harder to deal with.

Continue reading "A Day in the Life..." »

Posted by Kelle at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I got my car back the day before yesterday and I finally got around to taking some pictures of it this morning. I really love my new car. It is awesome! The color is called "Root Beer Metallic" and all of the trim inside is copper. I also had a few other things added to it like: the hook-up for my iPod so that I can control it via the steering wheel controls, I added the window visors (some thing you need if you are a smoker and it is raining), I added the dividers for the center console, a cargo net and a few other things.

What is really great are the things that come standard on the Element SC. I can start with the stereo controls on the steering wheel, 3 free month of XM radio, carpeted floors - instead of the plastic floors, 18" rims, digital milage and repair information, it has a center console with 2 AUX and Power outlets in the console as well as one power jack on the front dash and several other things you can see on the Honda site. This is my exact Car with all of it's features.

Continue reading "Element SC 2007 Pictures and Specs" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am so excited right now. Jemal and I went over to the Honda dealership and I got myself a "Root Beer Metallic" Element SC. The depressing part is that there was a noise coming from the car as we were driving it home and Jemal had to take it back this morning and I won't get it back until at least tomorrow.

But when I get it back it should have most of it's accessories on it. I added the wheel locks, Door Visors (something every smoker needs), a Cargo Net for the trunk, an the hook up for the iPod. It also has standard: XM radio (free for 3 months), Stereo controls on the steering wheel, and whole lot of other stuff. You can check out the actual look of the car here.

The only thing that it doesn't show on the list is that I added the copper interior trim kit. It look really nice and it matches the other stuff on the dash. Another thing is that this car picks up a lot faster and has more information in the dash. There are lights that come on to tell you when you need an oil change, tire rotation and lots of other stuff. It is all digital except for the gauges.

I will be posting pictures once I get the car back during the day.

Posted by Kelle at 04:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is just a little post that may seem pretty corny to most of you but it is something that I think I need to say, something I want everyone to know. I really do love being married, it is so much better then when I was single.

1. I am happy to be able to share all of my special moments with my very best friend, forever. Having your best friend share all of your favorite moments and to have a person that wants to be by your side as you discover the world is amazing. You always feel safe no matter where you are or what you are doing.
2. It is much warmer in bed when there is someone to cuddle with, even though we have a king sized bed, I know he is there and sometimes when he is sleeping I will just touch his face with my hand and I smile.
3. It is wonderful to have someone who knows me so well and doesn't use the things he knows to hurt me. So often in relationships once you share a secret with that other special person they will use it against you in every single fight you have, just to hurt you
4. We never fight, we have disagreements, but we do not fight. We especially don't even disagree in front of the children. We discuss things like adults should and com to an agreement about what should be done or how something should be done. I really love our relationship for that reason
5. I know he will always protect me and would never hurt me
6. No matter how many problems we face, we always have each other and no matter what we can make thru, with each others help
7. I feel safe getting his name tattooed on my arm because I know we will never leave each other.
8. It is nice to know that even when I am at my lowest he can still see the light in me. Some how he can see something in me that I don't even know sometimes and it helps me to see these things in myself and in other people as well.
9. No one is perfect but he is perfect for me. I know that no matter what may happen in the future we will always love each other and will always want to be together, and not just for the kids.
10. When it comes to the kids he makes a great buddy and friend, he knows just what to do to make the kids smile. They both love and adore him, I can see why. he knows just when they need to be tickled and he knows when it's time to pick them up and throw them in the air.
11. It is a wonderful feeling to know that there is always going to be someone there for you, holding you, letting you cry on their shoulders and to listen to you even when I am not making any sense to myself.
12. I love that he doesn't expect me to change, and I don't expect him to either. We fell in love with each other this way and we understand that each of us has our faults. It's okay to get annoyed once in a while because of something the other person does. Just don't let it ruin a great relationship.
13. No matter how sick I get or can't do something for on reason or another my husband is right there, no questions asked, he will do anything that needs to be done, I can't thank him enough for that
14. My husband knows how to make me feel like the only women in the world. When we are out in public I never see his eyes stray off to the blondes walking by, instead he will smack my butt or put his arm around me. I really love him for that. My self-esteem isn't the greatest but he makes me feel wonderful
15. I know that from now until the end of time he will never tell me what to do, he will only suggest what I should do and if I don't agree he just stays out of it, so that I learn my lesson because he is almost always right about certain things
16. When we have days off he will go to Mcdonald's in the snow, rain, hail, whatever to get me my Egg McMuffin and hash browns at 9 in the morning, just to make me happy.
17. I never have to worry about what I say, I can talk to him about anything. I love that I can talk to him about my problems and he doesn't just tune me out, he actually gives me his attention, unless f course we are watching something good on TV, but we have Tivo, so that helps, he can pause when I say something and continue watching when I am done talking.
18. We share a lot of the same likes and dislikes, however there are things he likes that I don't and vice versa. This is a good thing because it gives us things to talk to each other about and it gives both of us some time apart (Absence makes the heart grow fonder), then when we are together doing something we both like it feels special, even if it is just watching TV.
19. We learned very early in our relationship that even with a king size bed and a king sized blanket, we each needed our own. Both of us like to steal blankets, I however also steal pillows (he will never let me forget about that night). It is nice to have my own blanket at night, and I am sure he is happy to have his.
20. Since we have been married and other then the nights he was away from home, we have never gone to bed with out giving each other a kiss and we have never gone to bed mad at each other either. No matter what has happened we fix it before we go to sleep. Nothing is that terrible that we should make the other one suffer all night for it.

Continue reading "20 Reasons I am Happy to be Married" »

Posted by Kelle at 07:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

For the last few days a lot of things have been happening. It mostly has to do with my brother and my father but somehow I got caught in the middle of this atomic bomb. I don't like this feeling. I feel trapped and I don't know how to tell anyone that I want out of this mess. They continue to call me as if I were there and could help them. I can't do anything 800 miles away. All I can do is listen to their respective situations and tell them what I would do, and do they actually follow my advice, no. Then they just come at me with new problems because they didn't do what I told them to in the first place. The world would be so much simpler for me if everyone just listened to me for once.

Continue reading "I need help" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I can't remember if I wrote this or not but it is something I found today in a box of old stuff from my high school days. I added some photos to my photos page that were in the collection of stuff too.

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them. Works shrink things that once seemed limitless in your head, to no more then living size when they are brought out. But it's more then that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to where ever your secret heart is buried, like a landmark to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why it was so important you almost cried while saying it. That's the worst I think, when a secret stays locked up inside not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."

I know that this little poem (If you can call it that) was very important to me all through High School and I even think about it from time to time now. I just wanted to share it with you. And now I can be free of it.

Posted by Kelle at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So all the planning I have done for the past few months has all finally happened and now the only thing I can do is start planning for next year to make it better then this year. I already have some great ideas, but I will share them with you another time. I guess the only thing to do now is to post a like to the site with all the photos from today and a few new photos of the house too. We redid the basement bath and the sitting room (Jemal's Room) too since I last posted pictures. Here's the link and have a happy New Year!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/freshcaffeine

Posted by Kelle at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, it is my favorite time of year. I normally put my tree up Thanksgiving weekend and this year "they" went up the first week of November. They both look beautiful and I am very happy about it. There is one in the living room (that one is almost 8' tall) and one in the dining room (it's about 6.5' tall). They are all red and silver. This is my first year with 2 trees and I actually have 4 because there is one small one in each of the kids bedrooms. I am so happy that the house is finished, there is a few small things that Jemal still has to do and when that is done I will take pictures of every room for the final pictures of the house remodel. Hopefully we will get all of that done by this weekend and I will have the pictures up by next week and I will put a comment up here so you all know when to go look at my Flickr site and see the whole house.

Continue reading "Christmas is coming" »

Posted by Kelle at 06:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It has been a while since I posted anything and part of the reason is that I have been too busy to write and the other half is that I haven't felt like writing anything. Today I just thought I would do a little catch up and let everyone know how things are going. Well, GG is gone for an undetermined amount of time and while she is gone Jemal and I actually have to do some parenting and cleaning. You don't know what you got til it's gone. I haven't had as much fun with my kids though when she was here.

Continue reading "Trying to learn how to be a good mother and wife" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today was a big day for me. I went out and drove around town by myself. Jemal was out with the kids, nothing was worth watching on TV and I just had to get out. It wasn't an exciting trip but I turned up my radio and listened to NIN as loud as I could. And I have a great stereo in my car. I even went on the highways at a few points. I started to feel this very free feeling. I didn't feel the terrible tightening in the pit of my stomach that I normally do when I leave the house. I don't know if I will be able to do this again but I am sure going to try. I had a few spots where traffic was heavy and I got a little nervous but otherwise it was a really relaxing trip.

I also dyed my hair really red today, got it cut off this morning, I lost about 6 inches, and bought new outfits, maybe that all had something to do with my wanting to get out. I didn't bother putting on make-up or anything but I looked okay (I think). I am also down to 160 lbs. now. I have lost 20 pounds and a couple of sizes. I haven't changed a thing about the way I eat but I am finally dropping pounds. I think it has a lot to do with all the meds I was on.

I am so excited that the holidays are coming up. I have already started addressing x-mas cards for shipment in November. There is Halloween, Thanksgiving, Sierra's Birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Jared's Birthday, our anniversary and Valentine's Day all in just 4 months. I love this time of year because I get to do a lot of wrapping and writing cards. I also like all of the decorating. With the new pain management doctor I am going to go to hopefully I will be able to do all of the things I have planned in my head to do.

It has been a very stressful week for all of us, so much has happened and needed to be done that we really haven't had much time to sit and do anything fun. I am hoping that when Jemal gets home tonight we can relax and watch a dvd or something. I am sick of everything on TV, but Jemal still enjoys it when he can. It seems like we haven't had any time together quietly without interruptions. We are both hoping for some time together when this is all over. Maybe I can convince him to take a trip with me for a couple of days. I think that would be nice.

Posted by Kelle at 07:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by Kelle at 11:36 AM | Permalink

I am all alone. Jemal took the kids to Six Flags today, it's a work thing but because of my bad knees and a cold that I have had for 2 weeks now I didn't go. It's kind of nice to have the house to myself but at the same time Jemal seems to have been busy for about 3 weeks now and we haven't had much time to spend together. He has been doing things around the house, getting ready for the contractors and shopping for furniture and parts, things like that.

There hasn't been much I can do but shop online for certain things and make list for him. I can't wait til I am healed up and I can do things myself. I may try to find the strength to do some cleaning and move some small stuff around the house. I can't wait for it to all be done and we can relax and enjoy the new stuff. It will be a few more weeks, or months maybe. It will look great though (crossing my fingers) in the end.

I have taken photos on my Flickr site of the before stuff and in the end I will take photos of what it all looks like for everyone to see. Just the new wood floors look great. I may decide to go up and take some pictures of the middle process of the bathroom and the finished floors, that is if I feel like getting up.

Posted by Kelle at 01:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As I thought on the day of turning 30 I don't feel as bad as I did several days ago. I got a lot of advice from friends and family that made me feel batter about it and they made me really think. There really isn't any change in me or who I am since yesterday and I can do all the things I did yesterday. I even decided to be a little more wild with my clothes and other things. I don't have to be dressed down or the soccer mom that I thought I was going to have to be from now on. I am very happy that I realized that.

I decided to do some online shopping today for some very crazy hippy clothes that I think are my style. I don't care what people think of me now. I can be who I want to be, I have earned that right now. I have put in 30 years of work to get to this point and I deserve it. I can still do all the things that I wanted to do, I can still do art and be happy with what ever I accomplish in the next 30 years. And who knows I might even find the time (now that I am healing from the things that have been wrong with me for the last 6 years) to do something spectacular with my free time.

Continue reading "I am 30!" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I got to open my gifts, because the kids will be in school on my actual birthday. My hubby and the kids picked out some great gifts for me. I am very happy. I got a nice set of clear speakers for my MAC, that are much louder then the internal speakers that come with the G5. I also got a dock for my iPod that hooks up to my TV, which has a pretty loud sound system attached to it. Jemal had my widows tinted on my Element, I got Silent HIll the movie (because i love the games) , I also got Lost season 1 to watch with Jemal. I don't know if he will watch Silent HIll or not, he hated playing the games (but he did it for me I think).

I am getting McD's for breakfast and steamed crabs for lunch. I am so excited about crabs. I haven't had them in a few years and being from Maryland that is almost a sin. I would like to see how the kids do at opening crabs. I doubt that Jared will be eating them but I will see if he will try at least one.

Continue reading "Happy Birthday to Me" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I finally got out of the house yesterday to go to a doctor's appointment. Before that I had been stuck in my basement bedroom for 2 weeks. Since my surgery I haven't been able to walk up the stairs or come back down very well. One of the biggest problems that I had was that I had my two surgeries were too close together I think. The right knee hasn't healed yet and I am trying to walk on two bad legs now and the left knee doesn't even want to bend very well.

I really want to get better so I can go shopping for stuff for the house. We are doing a lot of decorating and it would be nice to get to go and do some shopping but I can't walk for more then about 15 minutes without my knees hurting. So right now Jemal is doing all of the shopping.I can't even do any of the decorating yet, which is something I love to do. Hopefully by labor day weekend I will be able to do something.

It is time for me to rest.

Posted by Kelle at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What is the best thing I can do for you for your birthday in the condition I am in? I can't throw a great party and invite both of our friends. I can't even go upstairs to decorate and surprise you. We have already given you your gifts which for once were more things you really wanted rather then the typical sentimental gifts I give you. So, today I am giving you a Birthday post for your 32nd birthday.

We have been together for almost 8 years now. You have been a wonderful husband and father to our two children and I couldn't imagine having a better best friend then you. I want today to be special for you but instead you are going to be putting together furniture and decorating Sierra's room as well as the bathroom because I can't do a damn thing to help. I am sorry about that. I wish there was something special I could do for you.

So, Happy Birthday Sweetie and I hope you enjoy your day as best you can. I am trying to let you sleep in but soon I am going to have to wake you so you can feed Jared. I wish I could get to him and have him wish you a happy birthday. He has a good memory though and he might just remember himself.

Lastly, I love you!

Posted by Kelle at 08:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today has been a pretty boring day so far. Other then Jemal opening his Birthday gifts early we had nothing to watch and nothing to do. I laid in bed as long as I could before I had to get up and do something. I was out of news in my news reader and I started reading some of my old posts from a few years back. Just reading about what I was doing in this month for the last 2 years (blogs are great for this). I realized that I have gone through a lot of shit in the last two years.

Continue reading "Thinking and Remembering: I need help!" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went into the hospital to day at 12:30 on the dot. I was so nervous to have the surgery done that I was timing everything to the minute. I went and signed in at the administration office and then waited to be seen and given my chart.

Then we walked down the hall and sat in the waiting room for about an hour. I couldn't concentrate on my book because I was so nervous and the room was filled with people (I have social anxiety disorder) and that just made things worse for me.

Once they called my name I went back into the freezing cold staging rooms they have. they made me take off the clothes that I wore specifically because I wanted to stay warm because I remembered how cold it was last time (I even wore two pairs of socks because my feet get very cold). They must have brought me about 6 blankets from the blanket warmer (I want one at home) before I finally saw my doctor.

Continue reading "Recovery after knee surgery" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I got a call yesterday that they were changing the time of my surgery by an hour and a half. Now I have to wait even longer and be even more nervous about it. I just hope when I get there it all goes fast. I am smoking like a chimney because I have nothing better to do with my time right now.

I have already put on my surgery clothes and organized my bedroom so that I will be able to reach everything when I am stuck in bed for 3 days. I even bought a new pillow and a book last night, along with some art supplies. However, I found out this morning that my easel is broken and I won't be able to paint like I had hoped.

The book I got is called Wicked. It's about the life and times of the wicked witch. You know, the one from OZ? So far it isn't what I expected but it is really good.

Posted by Kelle at 10:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am rather nervous and tense right now. I want to get out of the house so bad. I feel like I am going to be stuck in bed for weeks and that this is my last chance at freedom.

I don't like this feeling at all, but I don't know what to do about it. I am still in pain from the previous surgery and I am willing to risk it by going out to the store.

Continue reading "Surgery Tomorrow" »

Posted by Kelle at 03:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My doctor just put me on the stuff for "chronic pain" she said. I started taking it a few days ago and I really notice a change. I still feel the deep pains but all the little ones are gone. It's not even a pain medication it's a psych med. I don't understand how it works but I can't find anything online about that part of it either.

All I know is that I am feeling better and able to do more. Now, my next surgery is coming up on the 10th and I am a little worried about that because the other knee hasn't healed all the way yet and I am going to have two busted knees until they both heal.

Jemal, I feel so sorry for him because he has to drive me everywhere right now. He is missing a lot of work and just sitting around in places waiting for me to be seen. Although, I have to say I like having him there.

Posted by Kelle at 06:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been a very stressful one. I have been on the phone most of the day dealing with Doctors and therapist, then there were the contractors (yeah, did I mention we are doing some remodeling?). I thought the day would never come to an end. Now I have some time to relax and all I want to do is go to bed.

Today I talked to my brother and he is having his normal problems and I think he was trying to ask me for money again but he has understood that I can't give it to him anymore. If it was just a few dollars I would say okay but he is in need of $200. That is a little bit more then I am willing to part with right now.

Continue reading "Everything is Okay" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I received a letter from my pain management doctor telling me that he isn't going to treat me anymore because I got medication from my orthopedist after my surgery. They say it some how breaks the agreement I made with them in the beginning of my service, a year ago. There is really nothing I can do about it right now and I am going to have to wait until I get my surgery done to get pain medication again but I feel very depressed by the letter because it automatically assumes that I am a drug addict by literally saying that, then listing addiction counselors at the end of the letter.

I wrote my own letter back and CC: all of my other doctors that the letter went out to, still some how I don't feel any better about the whole thing. I still feel like my doctors are going to look at me and wonder what I am on or if I was shooting up today or something like that.

What do I do in a situation like this? I want to cry and i want to yell at the doctor for doing this. because I got medication for a surgery? This makes no sense and they say I did it 3 times and I didn't, how am I suppose to change their minds?

Now I have to find another Pain Management Doc and the closest one is in the city. I hate going in to the city.I am hoping this will get straightened out soon and I can go back to my doctor. It is right up the street from me and I hate to drive. I know that isn't true, I would never go back there for anything, not after the way the letter was written, maybe sometime soon I will type it out for all of you to read, as for today I am done and I have to lay down and eat the lobster my hubby got me to make me feel better. Isn't he sweet?

Posted by Kelle at 07:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today is Saturday and I am finally starting to feel better with my new medication. I have been taking methadone with the percocet to help with the pain and I guess it had to build up in my system in order for it to really work. I got sick the first day that I took it but that could have been some left over sickness from trying the morphine (Kadian) again. So, the pills are helping and I am able to move around a lot more. I need my knee to heal fast so I can get my next surgery done sooner.

One problem that I have been having is that my left knee (the one that hasn't had surgery yet) has been getting stiff and painful for the last 5 mornings. I couldn't figure out the cause but last night I left my heater on on all night and it didn't hurt when I woke up. But I was very hot and so was Jemal all night long. I don't think this is going to be the solution to the problem.

Continue reading "Another Day" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

On Wednesday, my father called from a gas station and said that he had nowhere to stay. All of the people he came here looking for were gone and he had nowhere else to go. So, the plan he had to start over with Barb (his ex-girlfriend and crack head) wasn’t going to be possible. It was going to be raining Wednesday night and I was feeling bad that he was going to have to walk around in the rain all night long with nowhere to stay and he needed to eat and drink something but he had no money to do that.

I had to call Jemal at work and ask him to leave early and pick my dad up and bring him to my house. My intentions were to give him some food and drinks so that at least I did something for him instead of leaving him out in the cold. When he arrived, he had nothing, no clothes, no money and no wallet. He had absolutely nothing with him except the shirt and pants he was wearing. So, Jemal found some t-shirts that he was willing to give away and I found a couple of pairs of sweatpants that would fit him and we made him a duffel bag with some things in it, including some smokes and sodas.

Continue reading "Dad is Gone.." »

Posted by Kelle at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

First, last night my brother called me and said that he wanted to tell dad that he should come to Oklahoma instead of coming here to be a problem for me. I thought this was very sweet of my brother because he was thinking about my health and what having dad here will do to me. He suggested that dad could stay with him until he could get a job and on his feet. Jayson said that out there they have trailers for rent at $150 a month including utilities. It would have been a great idea if we had gotten the information to dad before he got the bus ticket but Jayson didn’t call me until last night to tell me and apparently Dad was already here.

Now, my dad has arrived in Baltimore and called me this morning. I had been banking on the fact that he would get arrested again before he was able to get on the bus back home. Instead, he is here and he has nowhere to live again. I don’t want him to start using me to make phone calls and wanting me to let him stay here. I have explain to him all of the reasons that he can’t stay here. I don’t want him to put me in a position that I feel like I have to say yes.

Continue reading "My Dad is Here" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don’t know how it happens but every time I think of my father, I get sick. I will even throw-up sometimes. Right now, I am nauseous at the idea of him coming closer to where I am. Every time it’s on my mind or even if I just hear his name, I get a little sick inside. Today I thought he was supposed to call and I have been sniffling all day and I have a soar throat. My doctors were right; too much stress makes me sick. It is really a crazy thing to have happen to your body and it means that I really have to watch what is going on in my life if I don’t want things to get out of hand. This makes creating rules for my father even more important then ever.

The same is true for the rest of my family, just not as much. I can deal with my mother for small amounts of time, depending on what she wants to talk about. When she starts talking about my dad or the past I just can’t take it and I have to hang up o9n her or tell her I have to go in chats online. Sometimes it can just be too much to listen to. She also doesn’t remember things the way that I do, meaning the truth. She has a bad habit of lying about stuff or making up things that I know never happened. She also has never said she was sorry in my entire life. All of the mistakes she has made with my brother and me are just things we are supposed to forget and she does the same.

My brother has finally understood that I can’t handle stress and he makes a good effort to not talk about things that will upset me in anyway. I love him for trying so hard. If things are bad for him he will just tell me that he can’t talk, I usually make him because I know that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to about his problems and I want to help. Some how it is easier now to listen to him without getting too upset. I am his big sister and it is my job to help him when he needs it. I still stick to my rule of not sending him money when he asks and he has stopped asking. This makes me happy because my brother isn’t the best at being considerate of other people.

Continue reading "Physically Sick and Excited too" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This morning I was awoken by the sound of the phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was a Florida number and I was preparing myself to yell at my father because he said he would only call once a week. However, it was a charity group that buys bus tickets for people who want to get off the streets and go home. My father had told them that he was going to come back to Maryland and live with my family and me.

Let me just tell you that even if I wanted to he couldn’t stay here. We have 3 bedrooms and 5 people her already. My husband and I made a Master bedroom out of the basement so that we could keep my grandmother here with us. I am not about to let him stay here any way because I don’t want him having any kind of influence on my kids.

Continue reading "What to do?" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I have been having a really relaxing time with very little stress for the last 3 months because my father was in jail again. I had been told that he would be in there for at least 3 years if not 5 by his probation officer. Well, he called me last night. He said that he had been out of jail for a couple of days and he wanted to call me and tell me that he was sorry for all of the things that he did to upset me before he went in. He also said that he has turned down free beer on several occasions since he got out and that he has goals to get a place of his own soon.

Continue reading "Daddy is Back" »

Posted by Kelle at 07:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Since my surgery I haven't been able to do much. My knee is swollen up like a grapefruit and I can't walk very well, but I am doing exercises to try to make the swelling and the pain go away.

I was very nervous about the surgery, I had worried that I might end up worse then where I had started but so far it seems to be okay. I just hope that I heal faster from this then I have with my left ankle (I sprained it in March of 2005 and I still have trouble and pain with it). I can bend it a little and I can walk on it without the crutches for short periods of time but I am not running any races anytime soon. I also have a lot of trouble getting up and down the stairs. When I bend my knee I get this really hard lump on the side of my knee. I was worried about it so I called my doctor and he says it's just fluid and stuff that will go away with some time.

Continue reading "Getting Bored" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am having a harder and harder time dealing with everyday stress. My main problems include the fact that I can’t handle driving far away from home, about 15-20 miles, by myself. I used to be able to drive anywhere at anytime and I enjoyed it. Now, I can’t stand to drive in the rain or when it gets dark outside. I have this other driving fear that is kind of crazy, I don’t like exits or sharp turns in the road. I have actually taken the long way many times just to avoid those spots in the road. If I do take the curves, I can’t seem to do it at a normal rate of speed. I sometimes try to go to doctor’s appointment and I either cancel them or I turn around halfway there because I am just too nervous to make the drive.

Along with that are my fears of being around a lot of people, or people I don’t know, and daily worries about my health, relationships and things that I have to do each day.

Continue reading "The Stress of Driving" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today is Mother's Day. I am very happy because I actually got to celebrate my day last night. I am not a patient person so I somehow managed to convinced my husband that Mother's day dinner and opening gifts on Saturday was better then waiting until Sunday. I don't know how I did it really.

I was very happy with everything that I got for Mother's Day. Nothing was really that expensive, that I know of. I got a lot of stuff for doing scrap-booking and some office supplies, a keyboard try so I can clear off my desk and use it for scrap-booking and a new light for over my desk that Jemal is going to have to install sometime today (but he is still upset about installing the keyboard tray, so I don't know if he will get to the light today or not).

Last night's dinner was Outback, take-away. I ordered the 3 lobster tail dinner and Jemal ordered an extra lobster tail with his dinner for me. I ended-up getting a really bad headache half-way thru dinner so I didn't get to finish my lobster, but I will certainly try to eat it for lunch today. The kids both enjoyed heir dinners as well, Sierra got ribs and Jared got Grilled Cheese with Broccoli. Jemal of course got the steak. We even got GG to eat dinner with us.

Continue reading "Happy Mother's Day" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

(I started writing this on Saturday but I got too stressed to write anymore and now I am finishing it on Sunday.)

Yesterday was a very bad day for the Hogan/Barton family. My mother, brother and father all had court on the same day, but for different things in different places. Maybe it was just Karma day, I don’t know. It was a very stressful day for me to say the least. I was getting phone calls every 15 minutes and I was trying to help everyone with their problems. This is something I should be avoiding but under the circumstance, I felt that I had to and that it was my family so I really had no choice. I wanted to help my brother as I always do and my mother just seemed helpless and in need of some kind of help and ides. As for my father, I don’t really care what happens to him at this point anything is better then having him on the streets, being drunk and calling me all of the time.

Continue reading "Family Court Friday" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I finally got around to seeing my orthopedist yesterday and I finally have a game plan for what he is going to do to fix me up and what exactly is wrong with me. It was a long wait in the doctor’s office. I saw a woman in her late 70’s at least with this wire thing attached to her hand that looked like something out of a horror movie and it scared me. I waited for about a half an hour before I went in to the actual patient room, where I didn’t get to see the doctor, instead I saw an assistant who asked me what I was there for.

I explained to the assistant that I had just fallen the day before, my ankle had given out on me again and I fell getting out of my car. This is about the 20th time that my ankle has just given out on me and caused me to fall down in some way. I also told her that the doctor at the pain management center found bone spurs on my shoulders and I think that is what has been causing me so much pain for the last few years there. Then I talked to her about my knees and all the trouble that I have had with them and that I can barely walk through the grocery store without them hurting and having to sit down.

Continue reading "Surgeries" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had my first appointment yesterday with the Chief Director of Rheumotology at John's Hopkins. I was expecting the appointment to take some time and to have a lot of questions, but I had filled out the 15 page form they sent me (how much more could they possibly need to know) and I wrote 6 pages more information that I thought would be important to my doctors. I wanted to make sure that this appointment went smoothly and quickly. Instead it took 2 1/2 hours.

I was going there to find out if I had Lupus or not and if yes what kind, if not what else I might have. I got weighed and my bones felt and I had to bend over with a tape measure on my back. I found out that I am hyper-flexable which apparently is a bad thing. I never even thought anything of it before. The knuckles of my fingers can bend backwards in a way that normal peoples can't and the doctor said that it might be the cause of my hand pain. Some how I am over flexing my fingers and it is causing them to hurt. This is possible since I know that I sleep with them in a bent position that now I know is wrong.

Continue reading "1st Appointment" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Happy Easter everyone! While Jemal and I were suppose to do an overhaul on the basement this weekend it turns out that we just don't have the energy to do that kind of thing. We managed to organize a few shelves and get rid of a lot of trash that we had been saving for the last few years. So I am at least happy that we got that stuff out of here. Next week we will have to empty out the closet and start going through that stuff. There is so much stuff in there that the door barely shuts anymore.

I am also going to start doing something that I said I would never do. I am going to make a scrapbook for each of my kids and a family scrapbook. I know, I know. What is happening to me? I figure I should make something to replace the baby books that I never filled out for them and maybe when they grow up they will be happy with the book they each get. Plus, I have nothing else to do.

Continue reading "Happy Easter" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It has been a while since I have written anything and I thought I should just write a little update so that everyone knows what is going on right now. There really isn't a lot to say at this point I am still waiting to see some doctors. I have an appointment on the 19th at Johns Hopkins to see the Rheumatologist and find out if this is Lupus or something like Lupus or what. Then I have another appointment on the 20th to see a Pulmonologist about the Lung Polyp they just found on Monday.

I am a little worried about the lung polyp because I did a goggle search for information about it and they all came back with CANCER information. Jemal told me to stop looking things up on the internet and wait until I see the doctor. So, I am trying not to think about that because it could be anything. I have so many problems that it could just be another kind of cyst like the one that I had on my back or something like that. And my Endocrinologist had already told me that she thought that I might have through polyps so I should ask him about that while I am there too.

Continue reading "More Stuff About Me" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I really just wanted to write a very short post tonight about what my doctor told me today. It seems that some blood tests from my hospital stay came back positive for Lupus, or at least I have the symptoms plus the required blood test requirement to mean I have Lupus. What does this mean for me? I finally have a name for all of the problems I have been having all of these years. The other side is that Lupus does not have a cure. I can’t be fixed like I have been hoping for so long. It's also not a life threatening thing either, I guess it is just going to be a different way to live.

I have been reading so much on the net about it today that I think my eyes are going blurry again. All of the symptoms seem to fit and my doctor explained that it is the cause of all of my immune problems too. Because my body is weak, it can’t fight off infections and when I get stressed, it is even worse. A friend told me these are called “flare ups” in the Lupus world. After reading everything I did, I wondered why my doctor never did anything about it before, although she said that I had a 0 negative ANA test in the past. She did not tell me what type of Lupus that I have I am just looking things up on the internet and trying to figure out which on fits the best, she actually said "there is no name yet for what you have, it's a type of Lupus".

She said over the phone that it was the connection between my thyroid, arthritis and immune system problems. It made sense finally. I couldn't understand before why I had all of these small things that seemed to fit together and I knew that they were part of something bigger because they didn't included all of my symptoms. With this new diagnosis it all makes sense. With the stress comes my colds and pneumonias, along with various other immune attacking problems that just never seem to get better. Maybe with the treatment of the Lupus I will feel healthier. I can hope. It means more then ever that I have o learn not to stress over stuff.

Now I guess I am happy, scared, nervous, relieved, angry and confused all at once right now. I have to make an appointment to see a specialist at Johns Hopkins as soon as possible, according to my doctor. I am trying not to be too upset until then because I know that even then I am going to have to wait for more tests.

I will continue to write more as I find out more but for now I just wanted all of my friends and family to know what was happening with me.

Posted by Kelle at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am in so much pain right now I can’t even lay down to go to bed. I tried but it didn’t work. So, here I am typing away when I would much rather be sleeping. The pain is coming from my left side and my doctor said today that basically I have to wait until they get some tests done to see exactly what the problem is before she can do anything about it. I wish I could convey to her exactly how much pain I am in. This hurts more then having either of my kids, really. At least that didn’t last this long.

She said that I could go back into the hospital if I wanted to get this taken care of faster, and if the pain doesn’t stop soon I might have to. I don’t like to admit that I feel pain, a really don’t. I usually can handle a lot of things but tonight is really bad and I don’t know what to do. I guess I could go back into the hospital again and suffer through that. It would help me quit smoking I guess. And they would probably help me with the pain and give me all of the tests that I need. I just don’t know if I can put my family through all of that again and myself. It was hard being alone all of those days.

Continue reading "Pain" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I really wanted to write this deep and detailed post about my stay in the hospital this past week but I just don’t really have the energy to do it right now. I did however want to make sure that I explained why I was there and made a note of it for myself, that’s the whole reason that I have this bog to begin with. Right?

On Friday the 17th I started to feel very sick. I had been coughing for months and knew that I had pneumonia but Friday was different. Around 5 pm I couldn’t eat dinner, I started to get a fever and chills, my ribs were hurting really bad as well as my sides, throat and head. By late evening my fever had gotten up to 104.9 and I was afraid really of what was wrong with me. I think I took 2 cold showers trying to bring my fever down. I took Dayquil and all kinds of other pills trying to feel better but nothing seemed to work. We called my emergency care doctor and we were told that I needed to go to the emergency room.

Continue reading "The Hospital" »

Posted by Kelle at 07:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day and if you want to check out some info about Leprechauns I have that up today too.

I thought it would also be cute to make a cute little set up for my kids this morning. With my husband's help mind you. I just needed some green finger paints, some paper, some candy and a St. Patty's Day dish. Lay some Papers out on the dining room table and make little footprints with the side of your hand and your fingers, then leave a little note typed up in a swirly font and foot-printed by the leprechaun himself. When the kids wake up it should be a nice surprise this morning.

I can't wait for Easter I have some wonderful ideas for that as well. I think this relaxing and taking some time off has given me some time to let my brain start to wonder again. My fun and creativity are coming back. I really can't wait for Christmas this year. I already asked to get a second tree this year, I only hope my husband will still let me do it. The house will be so full of decorations and we will have so many things to do. I can't wait! I will try to remember to take pictures of everything from now on.

Posted by Kelle at 05:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have tried so hard to get him out of my mind but I just can’t do it today. I found out that he is back in jail again and that should give me some level of comfort but I am worried now about what kind of relationship I could possibly have with him for the rest of my life. I can’t deal with him going into jail and writing him letters, sending him money for his commissary and getting my hopes up again that when he gets out he will do all of the things that he says he will do in his letters.

I have a whole drawer full of letters from the last time he was in jail and they all say that he isn’t going to drink anymore and he wants to be a good father. He had plans to get a place to live and find a good paying job down in Florida when he got out. I really believed him, like I did when I was a kid, I would believe him that when he got out of jail he would take us and do things with us. He never did then.

The definition of being crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. That is what I have been doing with my father. I keep believing that he is going to change over and over again he lets me down and breaks my heart, just like he did when I was a kid. It’s no different to me now. I still get the same amount of hope and the same amount of excitement that he is going to change “this time”. Yet, every time he lets me down. Why do I do it? I really can’t answer that question. I don’t want to do it sometimes but still I do.

Continue reading "More on Brian …" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I am trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head now. My husband says that maybe if I put them all out here that I won’t have to think about them anymore. He says that it’s like filing them away, now I know where they will be and I won’t have to keep thinking about them to remember them anymore. They will be here if I need them, like Tax papers or something. I think he is on to something and I am at least willing to give it a try, which is why I have been writing the posts that I have the past few days. I am feeling better about things I just have more to say I guess.

I used to tell myself that I could write a book with all that has happened in my life. I am really starting to believe that now. Everyday that I write something more about my life I realize that I have so much more to tell. This could go on for a very long time I think. I think this is doing more for me then my therapy does. But I need my medication so I have to go.

Continue reading "Family and Stress" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As I wrote to a friend today, I am very neurotic. I worry a lot. I can’t seem to stop. Even when everything is good I worry that something bad is going to happen to ruin it.

For an example, I use to keep a suitcase under my bed full of all my most important things, a change of clothes and a flashlight. I slept in pants and a t-shirt. I worried that the house my burn down in the middle of the night and I might lose my favorite things. I had a few photos of my friends and family in there as well as a few changes of clothes. I had seen what could happen to people when they lose everything and I didn’t have that much to begin with.

When there was a lighting storm I was especially worried, I made sure to unplug everything in my upstairs bedroom. I closed the window no matter how hot in was because I didn’t want the lightning to come through the house. I had seen it happen. A house around the corner from us had been burned down because lightning had gone through one window and out the other. It made me very afraid.

Then there was my father’s fascination with lightning. He would make me go outside during bad storms to watch the lightning. He taught me how to count the time between thunder and lightning to see how far away it is. He would sit me in an aluminum lawn chair while I cried and count the lighting. I still find it scary to this day.

Continue reading "My Fears and Worries" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The basics of my life were that Dad was crazy and a drunk and that if he ever came near us alone he would kill us. And with aunt and uncles on my dad’s side, she said they would try to kidnap us so that dad could have us and kill us because they were all on drugs. My mother actually told me that my aunt tried to drown in me the bathtub when I was little. She said she was high and thought I was crying too much.

There are a lot of stories that over time, my own memories came back and I was able to see what really happened. It's hard because I actually have 2 sets of memories now and I have to sort through them all of the time. I guess that is something that I will grow out of eventually. Some memories are only like photographs because I never actually saw what happened but I was old exactly what they looked like by my mother, so those ones I am pretty sure are lies.

It wasn't until I was about 14 that I started realizing how much my mother was lying to us (me and my brother), but I didn't realize the past was a lie too until I was about 23. Then I found letters written by her about stuff that she did and her journal and I found out even more stuff. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I was so grossed out by some of the things that I read that I didn’t want to talk to her again. There were things in there that I won’t even mention here because they are just that bad.

I guess a lot has happened to all of us over the years, it's a matter of how you face it and deal with it that is the key. I try to not talk to my mother anymore. I even tried to get my father into my life (that has been a problem) because I felt bad that we had been afraid of him for so long. I do admit that he had done crazy things: throwing knives at me, stabbing my baby picture in the photo album, thinking he was either Hitler or Jesus and other crazy things when he was drunk.

My whole family is in pieces now and I don't know whose fault it is. I used to blame myself for not trying harder to keep it together (not keeping my parents together) so that we could all get along. I just don't think that it was ever possible; no one wanted it but me. No one seemed to care about the fact that everything was falling apart but me. I was the only adult and I knew this when I was only 7 years old.

My father wanted his alcohol and trouble, my mother wanted Heidi and to be young again, and Jayson just wanted to be on his own and that is what he got. I just wanted people that I could depend on when I needed them. I never had that and I never will from any of them. I ended up living on the streets when I was 14 and then getting an apartment with some friends because I just couldn't be with my family anymore.

Continue reading "My Life - The Basics" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, I already mentioned my new website, and I am totally excited about that. I love reading the books and researching things on the web. It has really given me something to do with my free time. Plus, it's something that I really enjoy anyway. I hope that I will be able to keep up with it and make it into the site that I want it to be. It will take a lot of time I am sure but I have such big hopes for it.

As for other things. I don't know where to begin. I guess I can start with my health, that's always a fun topic. I was finally able to get the referral for my shoulder MRI the other day and that means 1. I can find out exactly what is wrong with both of my shoulders. 2. My surgery will be happening soon. I am really excited and nervous about that. I want to have it done but it will mean that I can't do anything for a few weeks afterwards. I will just have to lay in bed. (I guess my husband will have to move the TV again, shh! I haven't told him yet).

Continue reading "Update 02/26/06" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's been 7 years now, 8 years since we met. All of those years have been good years but I think the best is yet to come. It seems that every year we get to know each other just a little bit better and understand each other a little bit more. Soon it will be 10, 15, 25, 50, 75 years that we are celebrating. I imagine that each one of those milestones will be better then the one before.

Granted things haven't been perfect for us but we have dealt with them very well. We don't fight or yell at one another, we just talk things out the way that grown-ups should. Our children are happy and we can't complain. There is nothing that I would change, he has stayed by my side through the worst of my families problems and even through my sicknesses. A lesser man would have walked by now. He is a great father and a wonderful husband. He understands me and cares for me like no one else ever has. For that I love him with all my heart. I wouldn't give him up for the world. (Maybe Brad Pitt, but we agreed on that years ago)

So, Happy Anniversary sweetheart and I hope we have decades more. I love you!

Posted by Kelle at 09:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I just wanted to wish Jared a very happy birthday today. He is 6 years old today and very proud of it. When he woke up this morning his sister made him breakfast in bed (waffles with butter and a juice cup). After that he came down and looked at me and said "what today is?" very innocently. I said "Happy Birthday Jared, You're 6 years old today". He asked if he could open his presents now but with my husband at work I had to fight my urges to give in to his sweet request. I told him "After School, then you can open all of your presents".

It's been 6 years! Wow! Time really does fly. I remember the day he was born, the day he started crawling and walking (it was the same day), when he rolled off the sofa, started talking, When he stopped talking, when we were told he would never express his emotions, When we were told that he may never play like a normal boy or talk like a normal boy. I also remember his first hug and his first "I love you Mommy" and I watch him everyday play on his computer and with his video games.

Jared is something special. Autism is not what he is, it is just something that is just a part of him. He is learning and becoming something more everyday, every hour, every minute.

Jared had decided in his own head that 6 means that he is a "big kid" and he wanted big kid things for his birthday. Sponge Bob is one of the things that he thinks of as a "big kid" thing. All of his presents are wrapped in SB wrapping paper and all the gifts are SB stuff. New room decor (so he can get rid of his little boy stuff) and some movies and games and computer games and such. His cake even has SB on it. We ordered it, I couldn't have made one myself.

We are hoping that Jared really enjoys his B-day and there are lots of smiles today. We even got a Pinta (SB too). So he should be very happy this afternoon. Now I have to run off and start cleaning and getting things ready for today. Maybe there will be pictures later (I'll link to them).

Posted by Kelle at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am writing this a little late but I wanted to write about how my Christmas day went, in my eyes. I woke up last, everyone was waiting on me to open presents but I had been up all night coughing and not sleeping. The kids were happy though that they were finally going to be able to open some gifts. Jared especially.

We sorted out the gifts into piles of what goes to whom the night before and took turns opening them in the morning. The kids opened their letters from Santa (Sierra doesn't believe but Jared is just starting to), I found this site called holiday-letters.com and they write letters to kids from Santa. My mother had also gotten her bank to send $5 to each of the kids from Santa.

It all started out great just what I had been planning for the last 2 months. Each person was opening a present and everyone admiring it and then moving on to the next. The kids seemed to like everything that they got. Jemal was very happy with his PSP and new shoes (Docs) and I was getting all relaxation stuff (stuff I needed).

Continue reading "Christmas 2005" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It that time of year when I get every disease and condition known to man and have to find some way to fight through it because either a big holiday is coming up of event. In this case it all started with a simple cold (so I thought), I called my doctor after a couple of days of coughing like crazy and got an antibiotic for it.

Still after a week it didn't stop and the pain in my ribs and head from all the coughing was too much to take anymore. I finally made an appointment to actually go in and see her. Interestingly enough I found out that I had a sinus infection and pneumonia. So more antibiotics and a nebulizer (breathing machine) were prescribed this time. I had one last year for about 3 months for the same thing.

I had to put off my appointments with the pain management center and other things already and I am worried about how this is going to effect Christmas.

Continue reading "Here I go Again! (Christas Edition)" »

Posted by Kelle at 04:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

On Thursday I made this deal with my father that if he stayed in the mental hospital for 30 more days and really got some help, stopped drinking and straightened up I would send him a gift package with some goodies in it (some sweats, crosswords, smokes and a few other things that would help pass the time). He said okay but that I had to send it overnight because he was almost out of smokes and he wasn't going to stay if he didn't have smokes.

I wrapped everything up with x-mas wrap and while I was doing this Friday he called and was acting really kind of mean, it made me feel like I didn't even want to send him the stuff but I figured if it was going to get him to stay there and get some help it was worth it. I sent it overnight like he told me (which was expensive) and as soon as that package was mailed he told me he was leaving the hospital Monday (today). You have no idea how pissed I was and am. I just don't know what I can do about it.

Continue reading "All Hope is Gone" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Some how I did it! I have convinced my father to commit himself to a mental institution for at least the next 30 days. It took a little bit of persuading but he said that he will try it for 30 days.

I basically told him that if he didn't get help and real medication that I couldn't deal with him anymore. He was just too much stress for me. I guess it just finally hit him that he would be completely alone. No one else will call him or answer his calls.

I have already told myself not too get too excited about this, it might not do anything for him. He could leave after a few days because he can sign himself in and out. He could stay for 30 days, get out and stop taking the medication then go back to be the same crazy guy again.

It is nice though that for Christmas at least, he will be someplace where they are going to feed him and all. He has his own room. He seems to like the people there. I guess what I am saying is that it's not like it's worse then being out on the street or being drugged up all day and tied to a bed.

I don't really have much more to say about it right now, I just wanted to say something about it, there may be hope.

Posted by Kelle at 07:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had decided on Saturday that I wasn't going to deal with my father anymore, he was just getting too crazy for me to deal with. Today though I got a phone call from him and he is in a mental hospital. A place called Circle of Care. I don't exactly know how he got put in there but he read to me his diagnosis and it includes bi-polar disorder and anxiety attacks.

The problem I am facing is that he is going to be released on Friday, unless I do something about it. If there is anything I can do about it or should do. That is the dilemma that is keeping me awake tonight.

Continue reading "PsyCo-Tic (To Help or Not?)" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My dad has fallen off the wagon again and this time he has bumped his head pretty hard. I have always known that my father had mental problems but I would try to look past it and try to see him through all that he has dealt with in his life. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to help him.

While he was in jail for 9 months, I sent him $25 every two weeks so he could by snacks, paper, and envelopes. I wrote him a letter just about every 3 days to keep him from getting depressed. I talked to his attorney to explain why my dad was acting the way he was and why they needed to let him go. On the day my dad was released I sent him $250 to start his life again.

I thought that everything was fine, not great but he was alive and he was not drinking. He was going from shelter to shelter and trying to find a job. He even stayed in a sober house for about a month or two, which I thought was great. He said to me on the phone that he realized that drinking did nothing for him and that it’s only gotten him into trouble throughout his life and he was never going to drink again.

Continue reading "Off the Wagon" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I feel like writing something just so that everyone knows I am still alive. I have just been sick and on pain pills for awhile and I don't get much time to sit at my computer.

After being on the morphine for just 24 hours I had to take the patch off. I was throwing up and I could barely move I was so sick. It took another 4 days for the vomiting and nausea to stop. I don't feel like I have been the same since. I am not eating very much and I am back to throwing up again, but that could be because my son just had a stomach virus.

The percocet is helping with the pain. I take a pill in the afternoon when I can (If my grandmother is here to watch the kids) and I get to be pain free for awhile. Now I am just waiting to go back to the doctor at the end of the month so I can see what plans he has for me. I don't want to be on these pills for as long as he has planned.

Posted by Kelle at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I haven't been writing so much lately, I just haven't had the time or anything worth writing about but I thought I would fill everyone in on what is going on with me these days. It will be very short.

Right now I have a morphine patch on my arm and I took a Percocet. This is how the doctor's are treating my pain right now and maybe for the next few months (6).

The current order of business is to fix my shoulders (bursitis) the left on hurts more then the right but it hurts even when I sleep. They are going to try cortisone injections in the left shoulder first but I have no idea when that will be.

Then they have to do something about my ankle that hasn't healed since March, cortisone injections might help but surgery is also an option. It is just amazing to me how long it has taken. My doctor says that stress and my arthritis are contributing to the length of time that it is taking me to heal, but he too is shocked. The x-rays taken just a week or so ago show that it hasn't healed correctly either, it's slightly twisted. I guess that I was walking on the side of my foot trying not to put pressure on it and it kind of healed that way.

Lastly, my knees need work. The cortisone won't be enough to fix them they need to be re-centered on the joints and have padding put between the kneecap and the joint. I am not looking forward to that. This all is because of a problem that my mother was told about when I was 15 and she was told I needed surgery to fix but I guess she didn't think so. Now 14 years later I have worn away all of the cartilage between my kneecap and the knee joint (and they are pointing outward) and I am in a lot of pain and I have to find some way to fix it all.

Continue reading "How old am I?" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Today has been a strange one. I woke up this morning with this same blurry vision problem I have been having for days. Today it was worse because I now have to sit about 6 inches from my monitor to read it. So, I figured it was about time I called my doctor. I thought it might have something to do with my medication but she said it's a nervous breakdown (I have also had some sleep issues and other problems that brought her to this conclusion).

Now I am looking for a book or some kind of self help deal that I can use to help me get through this. Appearently, I act too weak according to my shrink. She said if I ordered a plate of food at a resurant and they brought me the wrong thing I wouldn't do anything about it. She says that is what I am doing with my life. She's kind of a bitch sometimes, but she's right.

It looks like I need to start saying what I really feel to people and not just let them have their way all the time. It also means that I shouldn't except more responablities then I can handle. Now, I have no clue how I am going to do this yet but I guess there has to be a way right? And I have the whole internet to find it.

Posted by Kelle at 07:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I got the mail today and in it were a couple of postcards for my kids. Both were from my brother. The writting was fine except the last line on each of them said the same thing "see you in a couple of weeks".

Oh my god! He is coming back to Maryland? Why? For how long? Doesn't he have court? Why hasn't he called me to tell me that he is planning this trip?

Then I think about what he told me before, he planned to come here and then travel down to visit dad in Florida. Dad is in a half-way house now (trying to quit drinking) and if Jayson goes down there and pulls him out of the program then what will happen to dad? I don't think it is a good idea for Jayson to go see dad now. Besides dad wants to come back here after he's done with the half-way house.

Continue reading "Postcards" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Ah, the hubby has taken the kids off to do some shopping for my birthday and for the first time all summer I am the only one in the house for the next few hours. No kids, No hubby, No Grandma. What will I do?

First, I want to write quickly about my brother going to jail again. I am not sure on the specifics of the whole thing but apparently he decided it would be smart to steal a jet ski in OK. According to Norma (I don't even want to go into that) he's looking at 11 years. I say let him go. If he did do something wrong then he should go to jail. She wants to pay for an attorney for him and get him probation. I don't see that happening because of his record here but who knows.

Continue reading "A Taste of Freedom" »

Posted by Kelle at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Yesterday...

The day began with me thinking that I could tackle rearranging the living room. It's a job that I have been putting off for awhile now and I thought it was about time I did something about it. The job seemed simple enough, move a couple of couches and an entertainment center, not a big deal (even with a bad shoulder).

I used to do this stuff all of the time, it drove my husband nuts I think, so I stopped, or was it that I ran out of ways to arrange the furniture, either way I haven't done it in a long while. This time I thought the new arrangement would be better for watching TV and give Jared more room to play. Plus, it would look new to me and I like that feeling. Personally I would love to move from house to house for the rest of my life but I don't think Jemal would like that very much.

Anyway, after moving, lifting and vacuuming I go to put everything back together on the entertainment center (any geek can imagine the number of wires, cords and surge protectors involved in a project that contains a TV, VCR, TiVo, Cable box, switch box, DVD player.). After lifting the TV that my son loves so dearly back on to the shelf I go to turn it on and sparks start to shoot out of the cord. Needless to say Jared was very sad, he even said so.

Continue reading "Day Five & Six" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been a very rough day day for me, because of the wedding and the battery dyeing on Jemal's cell I didn't get to talk to him but for a few minutes today. I am hoping to hear from him later tonight but I don't know if he brought an indoor battery charger or not.

It is getting harder to sleep here at night without him. I know it sounds sappy and all that, but it's true. I hear noises and things outside and I don't have anyone to go look out the window for me. Men as so useful.

The good things about not having him here is that I get to watch all of the shows that I want to watch anytime I want to watch them. I can go to my computer anytime I want and I can get u and go when I want without having to discuss it first. Kind of lonely though. I wouldn't want to do it everyday.

Continue reading "Day Four" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There isn't much to say about today. I just sat around and watch some TV and did some shopping for Jemal's party. I didn't get to talk to him very much today and that made me feel even more lonely then I did the days before.Tomarrow will be the worst because it is the wedding day. I can't wait for him to get back home and for everything to get back to normal.

Continue reading "Day Three" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been a very long day. I have had very little to do, Jared has been taking care of himself for the most part, except for the 6 am wake-up calls.

I can't seem to sleep, even with my pills. I don't really want to tell Jemal that because it would only make him worry. Instead, I plan tonight to stay up and watch horror movies by myself and scare myself to death. That should help with my sleep problem.

Only 5 more days and they will be back. It's really not so bad, I got to talk to them quite a bit today. Tomorrow will be a different story. They will have the rehearsal and the rehearsal lunch and what ever comes after that.

Continue reading "Day Two" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Jemal left this morning with Sierra for a 7 day trip out to WI. They have a wedding to be in, some school shopping to do and an amusement park to go to before they come back home next week. I am here with Jared and GG (Great Grandma) trying to find things to keep me busy for all of these days that I will be without my hubby.

I am used to having him home everyday by now and it feels strange to not have him here to watch TV with or talk to.

I think it is going to be a very long week for me. Jared is doing better then I thought that he would. As long as I keep giving him toys he seems to be happy. He says "Daddy and Sierra are missing", which in Jared language means I miss daddy and Sierra.

Continue reading "Day One" »

Posted by Kelle at 07:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It has been a very busy weekend. Jemal is getting ready for his trip out to his brother's wedding. He is going to be the best man and Sierra will be a jr. bride's maid. I m going to be here alone with Jared and I am very nervous. After Jared's little accident the other day I wonder what else might happen while Jemal is away.

I have made some plans to keep myself busy. I bought some new games for my Mac and that should take up some of my time. I am also hoping to get out and take Jared to a few places. Jared really just likes to get out of the house. He really likes the video store for some reason.

With Jared I mostly worry that he will be very upset that daddy is not home. He is very close to his father and misses him, much like I do, just while he is at work for a few ours a day. It will be hard to be mommy and daddy for 7 days. I do have my grandmother here in the evenings to give me a break if I need it, I probably will.

Continue reading "Jemal is Leaving" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am writing my first post as a Mac user. It seems that owning a Mac makes you feel better about yourself. I don't know if it is the mesmerizing design or the chemicals they use but it makes you feel better for owning one. I could never use anything else.

I really want to posts some pictures but I can't find a program like Picasa that will let me post photos to Blogger. I did find this program called MarsEdit for the Mac that lets you post to MoveableType (and I think some others). MarsEdit seems to work pretty well, I was used to using Zempt in Windows and this is a little worse and a little better in different areas. The bad side is that I only have a 30 day free trial and then I have to pay $25 for it. I am just thinking about it right now.

Continue reading "iMac G5...It's so lovely!" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been trying to quit smoking as you should already know. I haven't been doing very well at it. I did manage to make it about 4 days a couple of weeks ago but as soon as my husband left me alone (and went to work) I went out and bought some cigarettes. I tried again today, I made it a few hours about 6 before I went out to buy some cigarettes. At least this time I was doing it on my own.

I have however come to the conclusion that I am not one of those hardcore cold turkey kind of gals. I kind of thought that I had to be with everyone around me giving up cigarettes like it was nothing. I felt like I had to be as strong as they were. Then I realize "What the hell are you thinking!". I have been smoking 2 packs a day since I was about 14. I can't just say "good bye" and they will be out of my mind and my system so easily.

I know that I really want this, I really want to do it so that I really quit for good and not just until I see someone else smoking on TV or when I am around some one who smokes. Although I hear that the cravings for a cigarette never really go away. I don't even think cocaine is that bad, you can quit that and walk away, why are cigarettes so damn addictive? They don't even get you high.

So, after talking to my husband today we came up with a new plan for get me off these damn things for good this time. It will take until Christmas for me to get that laptop but at least then I will know for sure that I am not going to smoke again.

Continue reading "New Quit Smoking Plan" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today started out so nice, we took Jared to Hershey Park and he had a great time. I did end up with sunburn from Hell but it was all in all a good day. I am putting aloe lotion on it as I type. We did have fun though, letting Jared get on all the kiddy rides that he would normally miss out on if we had taken his older sister.

It was so cute and sad that on Friday when Sierra's dad came to pick her up Jared said that he was "so sad" that she was leaving and he wanted to go with her. We had to come up with some fun things for him to do while she is off with her dad to the beaches of NJ and the amusement parks up there.

So, that all went great, much better than I thought that it would really. Some sore feet and sunburn I can live with as long as Jared had a good day, and boy did that kid smile when he got under that misting fountain and on that Music Express, he keep saying "we're flying, is it Christmas?"

Continue reading "Do I ever have a nice day?" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It has been 3 days...I still want to smoke. I haven't yet but I really want to. I hear that it gets better with time but at this point it's sounding like a bunch of crap to me. I can't think too clearly but I have been trying to chew gum and do as many things as possible. I guess I am doing good as far as the not smoking goes. I keep looking forward to that new laptop in 27 days. I just want to sleep through the new few days and hope that it is better when I wake up. I am calling the doctor tomorrow to see about those nicotine inhalers.

Posted by Kelle at 08:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There are a lot of changes taking place right now. For me anyway, as my husband has already posted...I am trying yet again to quit smoking. This time I have the added incentive of a 17" Power Book at the end of the first 30 days. I decided to quit 2 days ago and in the last 2 days I have not yet smoked a full pack of cigarettes. I have them here right beside me (now that I think about it, it might be a better idea to keep them on the other side of the room.) but I am not smoking them as I type, like I would normally. I really think that I have the right thinking this time, the right reasons and I have lost a lot of the irrational fears that I have had in the past.

At the same time that all of this is going on I am also kind of throwing myself into walking and other exercises. It helps to kill some time, take my mind off having a cigarette while at the same time it has already helped me to lose 7.5 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I have a friend who is really into to fitness and she came over a couple of days in a row and showed me a lot of things that I can do here at home without having to pay to go to the gym. Which makes you wonder why anyone does.

Continue reading "Quitting Everything" »

Posted by Kelle at 03:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Before I go to bed.

I went to the doctor today about my ankle again, after seeing the results of the MRI said that I had torn both ligaments in my left ankle. The inside one is partially healed but the outside one is not. In addition to this there is a lot of fluid in and around the ligaments. This is all being treated with pain medication and naproxen.

Sierra, who we thought had chicken pox for the last week, only had an allergic reaction to some cream that she put on her arm apparently. Yeah, it looked real bad. But they diagnosed it over the phone. Not my fault. Still whatever it is that she has on her arm is contagious and she can't go back to school til Friday. Only the doctor's note only says for the two days. I will have to call and fix that in the morning.

Posted by Kelle at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just stayed up until now writing a letter to my father, he was suppose to get out of the county lock up in Florida today but the postponed his case yet again. He will have to wait until June the 7th to appear before a judge again. Then we will finally know if he is getting out or being convicted of something. Yeah, that's right, he has been in there for 8 months and hasn't even been convicted yet. I had thought that there was something in the law that prevented this from happening, speedy trial and all. I guess they lost the law book in Florida.

Besides that news the kids are both home today with the chicken pox. We are not sure how they got them yet but my grandmother had shingles for the last few months and that could be the cause. It could also be that it the right season for the spread of chicken pox on the east coast. Either way they will be out of school for quite a few days.

I will be awaiting my results of the MRI, which is on the 18th. Then we will see what will happen about my ankle, until then All I can do is take the pain medicine, stay off it as much as possible and wait.

Posted by Kelle at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I went to have the MRI done. I went down into the basement of this building and then when they called my name they walked me up the stairs, out the door around the building and into a trailer where the MRI was. It felt kind of odd and I kept thinking "do they do this in the rain and snow too?". Once I got in there I locked my stuff up in a locker and laid down in the bed. I was in there for 45 min. I could have sworn when I had this done before it only took 5 or 10. Anyway, I have the images and I will be going to see Dr. House later this week to see what he is going to do about my ankle now that we have the results. I hope that it is not surgery now that I have had some time to think about it. At the same time I don't want to stay on pain pills forever. I just want the pain to go away.

Continue reading "The MRI" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today is mother's day and after spending a nice relaxing night in a hotel away from the constant call of my children and husband I came home to a wonderfully decorated house. There were balloons hanging from the ceiling, pink crape ribbons and pink roses in vases.

I received many little craft projects that they had made together through hard work during the night while I was out. There were some small picture frames made from wood and some from clay. They attached magnets to the back so I could put the photos on the refrigerator. They are all very adorable I must say. They did a lot of work to make me happy when I came home.

The second best thing I got for mother's day is my new camera. I got a very easy to use digital camera, a Kodak Easy Share camera. It's the one they used to take all the pictures with. And how did they get them developed? With the Easy Share printer dock. I got that too. Now I can carry my camera around and take pictures of stuff that I find interesting and share it with you all. I also have a new blogger site where I will be putting them all. Just check them out every once and awhile.

Anyway, I got to get back to my day of relaxing.

Posted by Kelle at 04:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Oh God does it ever end! Norma Jean just won't leave us alone. Apparently she hasn't taken the last 15 clues that I have given her to stay the hell out of my life and still continues to annoy me. Like I said weeks ago I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. I wasn't even going to write about her either but this just has me so pissed off that I can't help myself. I think the world should know what kind of psycho we are dealing with here, why my blood pressure is so high and how hard it is to deal with.

Mommy Dearest, what I have called my mother from about the age of 10 , hasn't stopped her evil ways since I last wrote about her, I just stopped writing about it everyday. What happened tonight, I just can't not write about, she has fucking gone off the deep end I think.

Continue reading "Mommy Dearest" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Mother's day is coming up and I am looking forward to my time away from the house. I asked for one thing and one thing only, a hotel room alone. It would be nice to spend the night with my husband, but after spending the last several months the way that I have I think that I need some time not thinking about any of this stuff. I just want to lay down in a tub with some scented candles and take a bath, play some video games, and listen to my iPod.

Continue reading "Mother's Day" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Could you please tell me why my shrink is telling me that medication is bad for me and that all I need is a healthy diet, no meat and some special pills from the vitamin shoppe? I was telling her that my primary care doctor tried to change the prescription that my endocrinologist wrote for my thyroid, and about the fact that the arthritis medication that I was put on 3 months ago has caused me to have "the immune system of someone with aids" as my doctor told me. My shrinks answer to all of my problems is to just not eat anymore meat for the rest of my life and take some herbal supplement. Is this the kind of advice I should be getting from her?

Continue reading "Dazed and Confused 12:15" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't written for a few days, not a lot has happened except a few things with my brother and dad. I will start with the two conversations that I had with my brother. A couple of days ago my brother called me out of the blue just to tell me that my mom is giving him $5,000. I have pretty much figured out that Norma told him this so he would tell me (with or without knowing) in order to get me to call and be nice to her. It's sad that she would use him that way but it's the only thing she's good at. I feel bad for my brother though because he is really counting on getting this money and moving to Florida with my dad. I don't think the money is coming though.

Continue reading "Money, Lies and Family" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am trying to stay awake. I took my pills and they are really knocking me out lately. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I watched a movie that was very disturbing. It was called "The Woodsman". It starred Kevin Bacon. He played a child molester and there were several other people in the movie doing the same thing. The didn't show any actual events but the story was very disturbing by itself. I almost stopped watching at some points. I suggest that you don't watch this movie if you have strong emotions about these kinds of things.

Now we are watching another movie called Criminal. I haven't watched enough of it to tell you if it is good or not. It's an indie flick though.

Continue reading "Trying to keep my eyes open" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had an epiphany last night. I have done so much worthless thinking during my life. Some how in my mind I continued to be nice to my mother in the hopes that one day she would be nice to me in return. I realize now at the age of 28 that she will never change. No matter what good I do for her she will still not appreciate it. Worse yet even if she did something that others would think of as kind she would think of it as leverage, something that she can use to later get something out of me. You see what I have learned is that nothing, not even love comes for free with my mother. She can't just love me for being smart; she has to say she's smarter. She can't love me for being creative, because she will say she knows someone who's better than me. She can't feel bad when I am sick, because she doesn't care. My epiphany is that I don't care either. Why should I? Would you?

She's just a worthless nobody who wants me to feel as useless and miserable as she does these days and I am not going to let her do that to me. I have far too good of a life to let her keep coming back in and forcing this anchor on me. I will not go down like she did. I am stronger, smarter and a much better person.

Posted by Kelle at 05:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (1)

My mother, what do I say? The woman is crazy. She posted a comment on my blog last night that was meant to send me into tears and possible suicide, but instead it has just given me more strength in the knowledge that she is insane and needs mental help. She is underhandedly threatening me with CPS (Child Protective Services) and whoever she would call to say I was abusing my grandmother. This isn't new for her. When ever I decided that I don't want to talk to her anymore, she starts making crazy threats. Sometimes the threats go too far. She once called my husband's job, a good job and tried to get him fired because I told her not to call me anymore.

The following is in response to the post "This is the post"

Continue reading "Norma Jean" »

Posted by Kelle at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (1)

The time has come for me to seriously consider quiting smoking. My husband has been pretty much smoke free for over a year now. He quit because I said I was going to quit last year.

Well, the other day my doctor told me that I have to. She has given me a prescription for the nicotrol inhaler. I still have 4 packs of smokes left. I figured I would finish them off over the next week and start the painful process of quitting over the weekend. I know that I can do it, I will feel better if I do it and probably happier too.

Continue reading "Time to Consider" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

How long does it take to get bed sores? I wonder because I have spent just about 3.5 days in bed now. I decided to get up and go up the stairs to see the kids today and it seems that I still have pain in my ankle and knee. It hurts worse now than it did earlier today. Bad idea, my husband told me so.

I just want to feel better people! I am damn tired of feeling sick, hurt and in pain! I have spent the last 5 years in and out of the doctors office trying to fix one problem or another. Sometimes I wonder if there are really such things as curses and seriously bad luck.

Continue reading "How long does it take?" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am very sleepy, and I all I have done is lay in bed all day. I did manage to get up and shower. I figured I had to and all. My ankle seems to be getting better but I am concerned about my knee. I landed on it pretty hard and on the pavement too. Hopefully my doctor will send me for additional x-rays on Monday for that. For tonight I have little to say. My husband and I are back to playing FFX and I am very excited, I love this game. Tomorrow will be lost of fun.

Posted by Kelle at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been in bed all day long, yet I am just getting around to posting now. So much happened yesterday that I should have been eager to write about it this morning. Just that I got so busy sitting in bed.

Yesterday I had my appointment with the GI doctor. That was for 1 o'clock. At around 10 am I thought I would run out to pick up my new glasses before my appointment. This isn't the mistake, the mistake is that I came back inside to get my cell phone and my grandmother was on her way out to put some letters in the mailbox, I said I would do it. On my way out I slid on some mud and sprained my ankle and busted up my knee pretty bad.

Continue reading "In Bed All Day" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Finally I am able to write the article that I have been talking about for months. I only hope that I can remember all the little bits of information and details to all of the stories that make it so interesting. I guess I should also explain why I hadn't posted it months ago when everything began. The short reason, I was worried about people reading it and being upset with me for it. After some time with my shrink?I'm not so worried anymore. I think it might do these people some good to see what they look like through my eyes.

Continue reading "This is the post" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My dad called on Thursday. I thought it was a nice call. Just talking about why he was in jail and what he planned to do when he gets out. He wanted me to ask my brother to send him some money. He said that he wanted to see something. It was interesting to see that he wasn't asking me to send him any money. Even more interesting is that my brother sent him a money order for $20 today. My brother doesn't have a lot of money; he's usually barrowing from me.

However, dad called back about 2 hours later to ask me to bail him out. This is a ridiculous thing for him to ask me. For one reason he is several states away and it would be impossible without paying a thousand dollars to get him out. It also doesn't make sense because he doesn't have a place to live even if he got out. He says he has 3 job offers paying $25 per hour. He's been in jail for 5 months already and I'm not sure that those job offers are still good. You can't bail someone out and not know if they are going to show up for court or not.

Continue reading "Late Night Catch Up" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This is what I have and I thought I would do a little research on it, and why not share it with the rest of the class. I'm not going to lie most of it is just copy and paste; I just wanted to put all of the information on one page for you. I have had to look at about 100 so far to figure out which ones were real and which ones were trying to sell me something.

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (also called autoimmune or chronic lymphocytic Thyroiditis) is a type of autoimmune thyroid disease in which the immune system attacks and destroys the thyroid gland. The thyroid helps set the rate of metabolism - the rate at which the body uses energy. Hashimoto's prevents the gland from producing enough thyroid hormones for the body to work correctly. It is the most common form of Hypothyroidism (under active thyroid). It affects about 1 in 10,000 people each year.

Continue reading "Hashimoto's Thyroiditis" »

Posted by Kelle at 08:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I finally went to the endocrinologist on Friday and I was put on a thyroid medication (Levothyroxin). I don't quite know how I am feeling about it yet. I know that I am having a little trouble sleeping. I am taking the pills in the morning like I am suppose to but I am still having trouble. I hope that with a little time this side effect will go away.

I am told that having this medication will help with a lot of things. The problems that I have been having with my weight and lethargy should go away according to most of the doctors that I have talked to in the last week. I am really excited at the possibility that this medication might also help with my depression.

Continue reading "Levothyroxin" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't have a lot of time. Much has happened today and I want to try to get it all out but I am not sure that I can. I had a couple of appointments today with some doctors both of which said that my problems could be related to my possible thyroid condition, that I am seeing about tomorrow. I got put on a couple of new medicines and I have to have some more test done in the next couple of weeks to make sure. So much scheduling, so little time. I do plan to take some time out from the day tomorrow to go shopping for some new clothes.

I keep gaining weigh, a big problem with thyroid disorders. I am down to 183, I was at 189 a few weeks ago but I went on a starvation diet and lost about 13 pounds. Once I started eating again I started to gain it all back. I don't get it. I don't really eat any junk food anymore. I instead eat a bowl of cereal or something like that. I have a treadmill that that I got for Christmas, but I just don't have the energy to use it. My GI doctor says I should be on it at least 1 hour a day.

Continue reading "Today, more and more doctors" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

After three months of waiting to take a second test it turns out that I do have a problem with my thyroid for sure. My thyroid is growing. Something they call a goiter. It sounds much grosser than it actually is. I also have nodules growing on it too. Along with that I have a cyst growing in my throat. I don't know how that happens. I can't find any help for that on the internet, and I thought I could find the answer to anything out there.

I went into my doctor's office yesterday and brought a list of all of the symptoms that I have been having over the last year. I included the mental stuff too because the thyroid can have a lot to do with that. It's amazing how much influence your thyroid has over the rest of your body. She got so freaked out she made me make appointments with all kinds of doctors. I am seeing 5 doctors over the next 2 weeks. I had a whole series of blood test run. Some of them included the thyroid test, T3, T4, diabetes, anemia, prolactin, and a bunch of hormone tests. I am also going to have a bone density test soon and a full body MRI. It may be a little much but I guess I should finally know exactly what is wrong with me.

Continue reading "New Diagnosis" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I found my father after 4 months of thinking he was dead...He's in jail. I haven't heard from him exactly, I just called the jails and prisons in Florida and they said they had him. He's in for burglary and goes to court on March 24th. His bond is $1000.00 but there is no point in me paying it. He has no where to live if he does get out and no reason to show up for court.

My brother left his girlfriend of 3 years to go live with my mother....I don't even want to talk about that yet...I will when I can...just not now.

That's all for now.

Posted by Kelle at 09:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Posted by Kelle at 11:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't know what happened to me last night. I have just been feeling so strange lately. Today I feel a little bit better. I know the lack of sleep isn't helping me. It's 11 at night. I haven't been falling asleep until 2 am lately. I thought I would take some time to write a bit. I am nervous about tomorrow. I have to get back to my normal life again. The kids go back to school and my husband goes back to work. All of this means that I will be spending more time alone and trying to keep things together. I am having a hard time with that stuff right now. Trying to pay bills and take care of kids is just so over whelming to me right now. Maybe I need to change my medications. Maybe it's just all the stress of the holidays. Who knows? Maybe after things get back to normal around here I will start to feel normal again. I just have to get some sleep!

Posted by Kelle at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't know what is happening to me. I know that I haven't been on the Zyprexa for a few weeks. The doctor thought I didn't need it anymore. She asked me if I was feeling psychotic, but I don't think so. Who am I to tell though. Tonight I started having flashbacks to my brothers accident again. I hadn't thought about it in a long while. Now I can't get the pictures of him out of my head. The blood and the crash. I can't really remember a sound. Nothing except the sound of him trying to talk but instead just making gurgling noises. The blood coming out of his mouth. The blood coming from the crack in his skull. I want it to go away. I keep blaming myself because I was there. Because if I had just left work 2 minutes later I never would have hit him. I have always wondered if he forgave me for it. Forgave me for killing him. He's alive now, thanks to weeks in a comma and months in the hospital. However, He died for just a second because my car hit his dirt bike as he was crossing the street in front of me. I don't know, maybe if I had done something different he would have a better life right now.

Continue reading "Happy New Years?" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I know I haven't written in awhile but I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I don't know what the problem is. Christmas was great, the best part of it was know that everyone got the things that they wanted and liked this year. In the past we haven't always had the money to buy the best presents. This year we were even able to buy gifts for my in-laws, who I love more than my own parents. It felt nice to be able to have such a nice Christmas and make sure that all my family had one too.

Now that Christmas is over I we have to start taking down the decorations and the tree. I guess I can look forward to that this weekend. I think I have gotten too old to worry about celebrating new years eve. I like the fireworks and all of that, but with two kids and being married there is not much interest in going to parties or stuff like that. I would like to do something special with my husband this year, but we don't have a babysitter. I will have to get creative I think.

Continue reading "Recovering from Christmas" »

Posted by Kelle at 04:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am still not sleeping. I think it is the new medicine for the arthritis. It's a steroid. It says on the bottle that it can cause insomnia. I don't think this is a good thing for a person in my position. However, I like the fact that I can walk and feel my fingers again. I really like that. My shrink says that sometimes you have to give up somethings to make yourself better, I don't know if she meant sleep but I am willing to give it a few more days. The good side is that I have had plenty of time to plan and decorate for Christmas and I have felt good doing it.

Continue reading "Getting ready for xmas" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm so happy, and not sleeping again. I haven't been sleeping for days. However did I manage to get all of my Christmas shopping done today. I don't have a lot to say tonight. I am excited that I will be going on an early anniversary night with my husband tomorrow. A nice quiet night without the kids and shopping on Saturday. I have so much to do tomorrow. Not to mention I have two sick kids. I don't know if I am sending the oldest one to school or not, can't tell if she is faking or what. The youngest one has tonsillitis and is defiantly staying home. It's a good thing I have my grandmother her for another couple of days. Then she goes to Florida for the winter.

Posted by Kelle at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's midnight and I'm awake, Just thought you should know.

I am really excited about the holidays. It's the only thing taking my mind off the other things that are going on right now. I put the tree up the weekend before Christmas I was so excited. All the presents are bought, except the ones I have to buy for by brother, he's coming for dinner Christmas eve. He also came for Thanksgiving, which was nice.

This year is also special because we get to have my daughter for all of Christmas. In past years we have had to split the day with her father. However, we have made arrangements that her father could have her for all of Thanksgiving and we would have her for all of Christmas day. It makes it more special. It's also a special year because we decided to by my 10 year old daughter an iPod for Christmas. We split the cost with her father but I think it's the one thing that she will be very happy with. We really couldn't think of anything else to buy her.

I think part of the reason that I am still awake is because my son is sick. He has been sick for a couple of days. Tonight we have him laying on the sofa so that the monitors will let us know if he wakes up. I'm afraid to fall asleep and not hear him. It's a mom thing I guess cause my husband is snoring as usual (the other reason I'm not sleeping).

Continue reading "Midnight" »

Posted by Kelle at 01:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday I went to the Rhumetologist and got diagnosed with RA (rheumatoid arthritis). The doctor put me on steroids for the time being but plans to changes the medication to something else later. I told me doctor that I feel like I am an 28 year old woman in a 80 year old body.

All of these illnesses and bad feelings are things that will not get better with time. I am sure there are surgeries and medications that can make the pain go away, but I have been in pain for so long. I wish I could explain what it has been like to walk with knees that won't move sometimes and "seizures" that make me jerk without cause, The fact that I am gaining weight no matter how much I exercise or watch what I eat. I have "nodules" in my thyroid that the doctor doesn't want to explain to me for another 3 months as well. Not to mention the diagnosis of bi-polar and panic attacks which are currently being treated with medication.

Continue reading "Another Diagnosis" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In an effort not to be melodramatic I have been avoiding writing anything lately. I am still waiting on tests to come back and more tests to be done and in the mean time I have just been working on improving the things around me that I can. I am going to try to write more as soon as I get out of this funk that I am in, until then expect a blank page.

Posted by Kelle at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have decided to go back to working on losing weight. Some how my depression and medication has made me gain 20 pounds over the last year. I decided that for my Christmas present this year I wanted a treadmill and my husband bought me one. I have been walking on it everyday at least 2 miles a day. Somehow I managed to lose 9 pounds in 10 days. I think that is a little much but I would like to lose about 1 to 2 pounds per week. Which by the way you can track my progress at this site.

Back to the results information that I gave earlier. I found out that the nodules that were found mean that there is a possibility for cancer not hypothyroidism. I am more than a little bit worried about it. I especially worried about the 3 month wait to find out if the growth has grown. I hope that it's not something serious. I'm not big on surgery.

I haven't been writing very much because all of this has been going on. Trying to better my health and keep up with doctor's appointments keep me very busy. Plus I don't have much to write about except my current health problems and I am not sure that anyone really wants to hear about them. I just have to write about when I feel like I need to kill time.

I am looking forward to putting up the Christmas tree this weekend. I don't know if I am going to be sending out cards this year. I just don't have the time this year to do it. The tree is really exciting to me though. I love the lights.

Today we added a third gate to the dining room door way. My son has learned to climb the over the two gates that we had there already. I don't know what we are going to do when he figures out how to open the gates.

Posted by Kelle at 10:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have spent the last week being disgusted about the events that have occurred over the last 4 years and fearing what will happen to the country with another 4 years of Bush. however, my health is more important to me right now. I figure there is little that can be done about what has happened. I want to spend the next 3 years working on informing people about what is happening around the world and given them options to better it. It won't hurt to add in a little humor as well. I think it's a good focus. In the 4th year I will go back to my daily political postings. I can't say I won't post anything political, but it's not a priority right now. I look forward to sharing with you.

Posted by Kelle at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I got some news today. I don't know if it is good or bad but the doctor called about the results of my thyroid test. It looks like I have a "blockage" in my thyroid. I guess that means I have Hypothyroidism. However, my doctor's idea of treating the problem is to wait 3 more months and have another sonogram done to see how much it has changed. Needless to say I am not happy about this method of treatment. I am just not sure what other options I have at this point. I don't know when you are suppose to get a second opinion. I feel like I should be doing something to treat it now.

I am feeling kind of happy that I finally have a physical diagnosis. This could mean that I don't have bi-polar at all. All of my emotional problems could just be a result of the thyroid problem. meaning I could be taking a lot less medicine in the near future and I could be saying good-bye to my shrink.

In addition to finding out the news about the thyroid problem I was finally hooked up to the take home EEG machine. I have 16 electrode stuck to my head like I am some kind of monster. I have to wear this thing for 24 hours and then they will , I hope, let me know why I keep having these "seizures" that I have had for so long. The doctor isn't convinced that I have epilepsy and neither am I. I just know that I have something wrong and I want something to fix it. All the anti-consultants that I am on don't seem to help and I am taking 3.

The blood tests came back with a slightly elevated level of whatever it is they look for in arthritis. So, I am suppose to go see a rhumetologist. The only problem with that is that all the doctors are very far away and also I am spending so much time going to all of these other doctors that I haven't found the time to even schedule an appointment.

I am just going to have to keep looking for more information about all of these things. If anyone has information to share please do.

Posted by Kelle at 09:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It looks like I get to smoke for another 4 years.

Posted by Kelle at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

so, I woke up at 6 am and I got dressed. I didn't know what to expect, being my first time and all. We got there at 7 am and stood in line for about 20 minutes. Then I went in front of the ballot machine (touchscreen). A few of the choices took me some time to think about, did I want to vote Democrat or green as I am registered? I went Democrat down the board. I feel good about it though. Now all I can do is watch the news and see how all of this turn out. The same for all of you.

Posted by Kelle at 08:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am getting ready to go to bed on election day eve. I am worried about what the morning will bring. I have heard horror stories about things happening around the country and I think I am very lucky to live in Maryland. I don't think that I have a lot to worry about but it's my first time. I am getting up at 6 am and getting to the polls at 7 am. If you have seen my other blog you would know who I am voting for. I decided that I would quit smoking if Kerry wins the election. If Bush wins I get to smoke for another 4 years. We will see what happens tomorrow.

A lot is happening with my mother bit it;s not as important as the election right now. I will get back to it later in another post. I have to go to bed now. I have to wake up early in the morning. Good night.

Posted by Kelle at 09:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I went and had blood drawn, a lot of blood drawn. They took a total of 11 vials of blood from my arm and the bruise already looks bad, I can't wait to see what it will look like tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to a diagnosis. At least at that point I will be able to treat it with medication instead of just suffering through.

One of the many test is a thyroid test. I did some reading about thyroid problems and the symptoms seem to cover a lot of the things that I have been suffering from for a very long time, including depression and lack of motivation. I would be very happy to find out that I have it, it runs in the family too, because I could in theory take a pill and be cured of all these things. The blood test came back negative two years ago, but I read that there is only a 30% accuracy in a blood test for thyroid disorders. However, I have had a sonogram done to see if there is something wrong, which is much more accurate. I'll let you know how that goes.

There isn't much more going on in my life right now besides the dealing with doctors about one thing or another. I do have an interesting problem going on with my mother and I am not sure how to deal with it. It came to my attention that my mother is using my grandmothers name to get herself a telephone. Caller ID is wonderful. There is a long story here but I don't feel like writing it all out. Basically, I called the phone company and they verified that my mother was using my grandmothers name and when I told my grandmother she didn't believe me. I don't know what to do about the problem. I know how bad my mother can ruin her credit like she has her own. Should I confront my mother myself, or should I call my aunt and uncle and have them try to talk some sense into my grandmother? Suggestions would be nice.

BTW, my shrink put all my meds back to what they were a month ago. She said that I was having too many side effects from the sudden changes in everything. I was having trouble sleeping and other problems. I think that she will be giving me a new plan in two weeks when I go see her. We will see what the new cocktail will be, and maybe after a diagnosis of a thyroid problem I may not need the anti-psycotic meds anymore!

Posted by Kelle at 10:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since I was awake late tonight I thought that I would write a little about what has been going on for the last few weeks. It really isn't much I have just been going to a lot of doctors to have things checked, prodded and looked over.

I have finally gotten to see a neurologist about the shakes or seizures that I have been having. The doctor doesn't think that I have epilepsy but he wants me to have a 24 hour EEG done soon to rule it out. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was younger because of an abnormal EEG but it was later determined that I did not have epilepsy because of a later EEG that was done. Here we go again. I don't know what the doctor plans to diagnose me with if it's not epilepsy but it had syndrome attached to the end of it. I guess I will have to wait to see what the results are first.

I also went to see a doctor about my shoulder and joints hurting. He says I could have arthritis or fibromyalgia. he didn't give me any advice about what to do while I am waiting to have blood test done and seeing a rumitologist. I wish that he had said more. He offered one suggestion of using those hand braces on my hands to relieve the stress on my hands. The biggest problem I have though is with my knees. So, that's another thing that I am waiting for.

All the time dealing with the stitches in my back to heal. The stitches have been removed but the hole is still healing. I wish I still had the pain meds to kill the sharp pain that I have when I lay back on it. The doctor told me that it could be another 6 weeks until the hole inside actually heals, so I could feel the pain until then.

I guess that is all that I have for tonight. I better try to get some sleep.

Posted by Kelle at 10:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been very weak and not feeling like writing. Sorry folks, if you wanna keep up with what I have been doing check out FreshCaffeine.com. I have been focusing all of my energy on the up coming election and I haven't had time to write any thing about my personal life in a while.

Posted by Kelle at 09:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As you can see from the photos that I just had stitches put in my back. It wasn't anything serious but it was enough that the doctor gave me pain killers again. I am starting to wonder if I might be on the road to getting addicted to them, since I have been on them for nearly a month now for one reason or another.I can't really complain though, I am feeling good and that's nice.

I had to go to the doctor to have a cyst removed from my back that had been bothering me for about 2 years now. It wasn't serious but bothersome. So, I went in to the surgeons office and he said that he could do it immediately. I was a little shocked, I thought it would take at least a couple of weeks and maybe even a trip to the hospital, but no, he did it right there.

I got shot up with a local antithetic and laid on the table on my stomach. I didn't feel much but the pulling and tugging on my back. The doctor was very good, he kept me talking about everyday stuff and keeping me from thinning about what was happening. When it was all over I was quite surprised that it was done so quickly.

Now I just have to wait 10 days to have the stitches taken out and I hope that the scare will not be too bad. I am lucky that I have a good husband that is letting me rest up over this 3 day weekend and let myself heal for a few days. It is really quite enjoyable, especially with the help of the pain killers.

Continue reading "6 Stitches" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just had the most frightening experience of my life. I am so nervous I am smoking like a chimney and shaking all over. I think the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a parent of an autistic child is for them to escape out the front door. My son did just this.

Before you question why I didn't have the door locked (we have 3 locks on the door) or why I wasn't watching him, I will explain. My daughter had just come in from school and forgot something in her desk so she had to run back out. When she went back out she left the door open slightly, not thinking (it's hard for a 9 year old with a brother that has a developmental delay). I was watching from another room with the video monitor that we have set up and I ran as fast as I could to get to the door.

By the time I got up the stairs Jared had already bolted out the door and out of sight. I should also say that we live on a very busy street and cars fly by. Needless to say I was so afraid that he had run into the road. I ran around one corner and then I turned around to go the other way, when I found him.

I found him after what felt like hours, but was only about 3 minutes, in the neighbor's driveway. What a relief!

Posted by Kelle at 04:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went without my medication last night. I had a hard time sleeping. I hate it when that happens.

I used to love being awake at night while everyone else was sound asleep in their beds. It somehow made me feel more alive then them. I had a feeling like I was getting more out of my time on this earth then they were. The funny part was that I spend all of that time just sitting in front of the TV watching infomercials and reruns of Cops. I didn't do anything useful with the "extra" time I had. I would spend it worrying about what I had to do the next day or thing I had forgotten to do that day. I never actually got anything done. And because of that, on the next day I was too tired to get anything done either. It was a vicious cycle. I am so glad that I don't have to go through that as often as I did in the past.

Continue reading "Sleepless Nights" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Visiting the doctor is becoming a daily routine for me. I had to go again today to see my regular doctor today about getting referrals for a Neurologist, an Orthopedist, and a General Surgeon. I have so many things wrong with me that I feel broken. The hope is that after the next week everything will be right with me or at least I will know what is wrong and on the way to fixing it.

Continue reading "Lots of Doctors" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today I went to the mall. Doesn't sound so important to you I know, but for me it's a big deal. Normally I can't handle the crowds and the motion around me in large places like the outlet mall. Today however, I got in my car and just drove there, without any fear. I got my hair done and it looks great! I plan on going back in a couple of weeks to get it dyed by my new stylist, his name is Donnie.

Donnie is an interesting fellow. He is from L.A. and came here to get away from the earthquakes. When I first saw him I was a little shocked, he's not the kind of guy you see working in a haircuttery. He had black and blue hair spiked up on his head and piercings everywhere you can put a hole in your head. Donnie did a great job though, fixing a mistake that had my hair in a rubber band for the last 3 months.

Continue reading "Getting used to the new me" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went to see my doctor yesterday. That was an interesting event all in itself. When I first showed up for my appointment, which was scheduled for 10:30 am, my doctor was on her way out the door. I stopped her and asked about my appointment and she adamantly said that I did not have an appointment for 10:30. She then went into a rant about how I had been calling her for days an changing appointments on her, which was just not true. I didn't know what to say. She actually said "there is really something wrong with your head" and "your just not thinking straight". It took me about 10 minutes of arguing to finally get her to realize that I wasn't the person she thought I was. Then she tells me she is sorry but that she made arrangements for her daughter to be somewhere at during my appointment time and she would have to see me later. So, I had to come back at 6 pm.

Continue reading "Change in Medication" »

Posted by Kelle at 04:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist in the morning. I'm not sure what I am going to talk to her about. Not that I don't have anything to say but I just don't know where to begin. I haven't seen her in a month and a lot has happened for me since then. In addition there are a few issues that I would like to discuss with her and see if I need a change in my medications, even though she is usually against that.

Continue reading "What to say" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

All of my best stories start this way and this one is the best thus far. I get this call around 11 am and it's my mom, she begins by telling me this story about a mystery package that arrived on the doorstep to her niece's boyfriends apartment. She described the scene, they both saw the odd looking FedEx truck pull up outside his apartment and drop off a small package. The package was addressed to someone unknown to them, but they wondered if it was a screen name that my mother had used on-line or someone my cousin's boyfriend was seeing on the side. So, they open the box.

When I come into the picture is when my mother calls to ask me what could possibly be in the box. It was described to me over the phone as a small package filled with foam insulation and then a bag of car oil inside that a block of white powder. I really couldn't tell if it was real or just an illusion of her schizophrenia.

However, I told her that I was pretty darn sure that if it were real she had found cocaine. I talked to her for about an hour, with her giving me details about the boyfriend coming to the steps (but not going in the house) to look for the package. She told me about how he rents out this apartment but doesn't actually live there and has only been coming by there today. That he has a car that he convinced my cousin to put in her name, but doesn't let her drive and lots of other odd things. I told her I was sure it had to be something like cocaine or heroine if he keeps coming back to check the steps for it and that she had to call the police.

Continue reading "So, my mother called me today" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't have much to say tonight. I am sitting comfy in my bed, watching the season finales of both Big Brother 5 and The Amazing Race. I think I am happy with the winners of both of them. Other then that, I am just feeling a little bored. It's late at night and everyone in the house is asleep, so I can't do much but watch TV and type. It gets kind of lonely late at night like this. Which is why I end up writing so much late at night. Tonight though I think I will just write this and try to get some sleep.

Posted by Kelle at 11:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been dealing with a lot of stress of late and this weekend and the past few days have been a bit a a break for me. I don't know that this means that this means that I am actually back to writing a daily blog post but I thought tonight was a good night to post a little update.

I have been spending a lot of my time trying to get things together with my family life, the kids are back to school and there is much commotion around the house. Both of the kids have already gotten suck this year and have had to miss a day of school.

As for me, I had that awful bought with bursitis that didn't want to go away. It was lovely to spend a few days on pain meds though. Now, it seems to have passed. I have some other pains in my hands and legs, I wonder if they are caused by the change in weather though. For the most part I am feeing better.

Continue reading "Taking a break from all your worries" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I must apologize that I haven't written anything in days. The cause of this has a lot to do with the recent releases of two different games The Sims 2 (PC) and Fable (Xbox). Before this I was just so sick of what I was reading in the news that I was looking for something to kill off some brain cells. Luckily I don't drink or do drugs (just the ones the doctor gives me). Instead, I found these games which have helped me to take a breather from thinking about the state of the nation, and all of the tragic affairs going on in it. I really suggest this type of break for anyone who has been dealing with "Bushitis". Just don't let it last too long, we need people to keep passing on the information that the real news hides on back pages or doesn't report at all. Keep up the good work, but don't lose your sanity.

Posted by Kelle at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yet again I had to go see the doctor. I have been having this pain in my left shoulder since I woke up 2 days ago and it was really killing me. So, after finishing off the Tylenol #3 that I had, I decided to call the doctor. I was at a lose as to what the problem could be. After the doctor sent me off to fill a prescription for Ultracet and an x-ray it turns out I have something called bursitis.

Bursitis is inflammation or irritation of a bursa. Bursae (the pleural of bursa) are small sacs located between moving structures such as bones, muscles, skin and tendons. The bursa acts as a cushion to allow smooth gliding between these structures.

Continue reading "Pain and Time Killers" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't want to write too much tonight, my shoulder is killing me and it hurts to type. I stayed in bed all say today because of it and I am hoping that in the morning the pain will go away or I will have to go see the doctor about it. I guess that is all I really have to say for tonight.

Posted by Kelle at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't have a lot of time because I should be trying to go to sleep right now, but I am feeling a little high from the meds and I can't seem to stop typing. I really don't have much to say. I have had a very stressful 2 weeks and I hope that when I wake in the morning all will be better. I can only wish for things like that at this point. I have an appointment with my doctor but not for a couple of weeks, I hope that everything is better by then.

I don't know the cause of all this trouble but I know there are many things that have added to the problem and have slowly made things worse for me. I just want the morning to come and make the past disappear, but we all know that life doesn't work like that. Once things have been done you can't undo them and you can't go back in time with the knowledge that you know now. If only.

Continue reading "Not much time- or maybe too much" »

Posted by Kelle at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't been feeling much like writing lately. I guess I haven't had the time, the energy or the emotions needed to write about what has been going on in my life and in the world. I know that I have a lot of things that I want to say, I just can't seem to put it all into words right now. In my best judgment I should stop writing for while until I can get my thought together, but I still feel the need to express myself. I still want to write about my feelings and thoughts even if they are just thoughts about my thoughts.

Even on my other site I can't seem to find anything worth writing about, giving that the RNC is this week and it gives me great material. I should have a lot to say. I am almost bored with writing about George Bush. I am sick of him altogether and I can't get interested in anything that the normal news has already published because it is so washed with neutralism that I can't bare it.

I think that soon I will be writing an article about education and poverty levels. I think that I will focus more on that stuff now days and not so much on the presidency. It is still important to me, but it is starting to become an obsession that is getting out of hand.

For tonight I think I will go to bed and call it a night. I will work on writing something better in the future.

Posted by Kelle at 10:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today has been a really nice day. I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do, which wasn't much but lay around and watch my husband play video games. He did a lot of things around the house that needed to be done like the laundry and cleaning up after the kids.

I had a lovely breakfast (pancakes in bed) and dinner (lobster) and now I am sitting down resting my tummy for the cake that is to come. I have three choices of cakes because my husband wasn't sure of what I would like best. I have a regular sheet cake from the bakery of the local food store, an ice cream cake, and strawberry short cake. I don't know which I want to eat first. I really don't know if I have room in my stomach for anything more, but I will certainly try, for him of course.

Continue reading "My Birthday" »

Posted by Kelle at 06:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In the morning it will be my birthday, I will be 28. There will be no surprises because I got all of my presents days ago (I am very impatient). I forgot to post a happy birthday to my husband (August 20), but I think he was happy that I didn't tell everyone he was 30. He doesn't look it though. His Birthday was kinda messed up because there was a lot of shit going on that day, but we had a nice dinner with the kids and then the day after we spent shopping, which is always fun right?

As for my birthday, I don't see very much difference from being 21. I haven't changed much. I'm a little smarter and a little heavier but that is about it. I figure all birthdays after 21 are just a waste of counting. Hopefully I will get pancakes in bed and a nice lobster dinner but who knows.

Posted by Kelle at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I have gotten a lot of great things for my birthday so far, things that I really never thought that I would get for myself. I am very happy (around here waiting until the actual date of the holiday is rare). I wonder if there is anything that I could possibly have wanted more. I don't think so.

I wanted a new car and I got it, I wanted an iPod and I got one, I wanted so many things and I got them all. It's is unreal. For the first time in my life we can afford to buy nice things for ourselves and our kids. It is really a nice place to be in, coming from a family that was on welfare and myself living in a homeless shelter for a short period of time several years ago.

Continue reading "Birthday Presents" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Another long and strange day. I actually spent some time talking to my mother on the phone, even though my psychiatrist is against it. I felt like I needed to vent on someone and she said that if she were to vote she would vote for Bush. I don't know if it was just to get under my skin or if she really meant it, but thank goodness she doesn't actually vote. Her one big reason for keeping Bush is that we should keep Bush so he can clean up his own mess. She also still believes that they will find WMD in Iraq. I guess it was nice to just yell at her and tell her that she was wrong, and that most of what she was saying didn't make any sense.

I think that she still hasn't figured out that I don't enjoy talking to her and that I don't actively think about her at all anymore. It's almost like I don't have a mother anymore. She has just screwed up her life so bad, and done so much to ruin mine that no number of "I'm sorry" s can make it better anymore. I just try to avoid her as much as possible but you can't help it sometimes.

Posted by Kelle at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I think that I have reached my limit with some things today. You know that feeling where you just want to scream cause your so frustrated with what is going on around you. I have been doing so much reading and thinking the last few days that my mind is about to explode. A million ideas and thoughts that are going through my head.

I don't really have time to write anything tonight. I really have to go to bed. I think I am going to have to talk to my doctor about my sleeping pills because they are not putting me to sleep like they used to. I stay up way too late and have to get up too early. I need my pills to work. I have an appointment next week though, so I guess it can wait.

BTW, not only is my husband turning 30 but I will be 28 on the 29th. I don't know what I want for my birthday though. I think I will have to think about it for awhile. Maybe a gift certificate to my favorite clothes store, or a gift certificate to I-tunes. I will think about it tomorrow and I will post something about it I guess.

Posted by Kelle at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been trying to work on the writings about my life and family that I talked about before, but as I said I am in no way a great writer. I am having great difficulty trying to find the right words to explain my childhood that will express exactly what I went through and how it felt to be me. Somehow it's just not coming out as clearly as I had hoped that it would. I am not giving up on it though, I just think it is going to take me some time to get it out the way I want to. After all it is something that is very important to me and I want to get it right the first time so I don't have to go through it again, maybe I won't even have to see the shrink anymore after this.

Besides my ambition to write about my life I am trying to get ready for a really busy 2 weeks. Starting next week I will be planning and getting ready for my husband's 30th birthday, shopping for the kid's school clothes and supplies, having my birthday, and getting the kids back into a routine for waking up and getting ready for school again. The end of August is always very busy for us.

Continue reading "Another night, Another post" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't really feel much like writing anything tonight. It's pretty late and there is a movie on that I would like to watch. I think I should just quickly say that today has been uneventful (boring) and there isn't much to write about. I am in the process of writing a couple of articles about my past but neither of them are near completion, so they will have to wait for another day. As for tonight, I'm going to tuck myself in and watch a scary movie and hope I can fall asleep afterwords. That's the hard part of watching horror movies alone, you get too scared to fall asleep, you end up curled up under the covers like when you were 8 and afraid there was something in the closet.

Yeah, I still get scared...don't even ask me to watch the ring again. So, I say Good Night as I go off to watch Wrong Turn with Faith from Buffy fame. I've seen it before, and I can't remember if I liked it or not. Well see.

Posted by Kelle at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I forgot to take my pills at 8 tonight. Instead it is 10 and I have just taken them, they take about 2 hours to kick in and make me fall asleep. I probably shouldn't be drinking the mountain dew but I don't like much else. I enjoy having this space to write at night while I am trying to get tired. I know that it is mostly just mumbling and rambling but that is why I created this as a separate space from my real important stuff. I think I am hoping that one day I will get better at writing and releasing myself of the thoughts that I have bottled up inside. All of this is measly a practice of my writing skills and detaching myself from my writing.

Continue reading "What's the point? (Daddy)" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The last couple of days have been rather busy for me. I have been trying to get a lot of things done and in order to put together a nice birthday for Jemal. I am hoping that I have come up with something that will make him happy to be turning 30 in just 10 more days. We have decided to take the kids out to dinner on the Friday of his birthday and on Saturday we will have a special birthday dinner at a nicer restaurant in town. After giving Jemal his gifts today I wondered if he was really happy about the Xbox.

Continue reading "Busy, Busy, Busy, Tired!" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I just couldn't wait, as with most things. I went out today with my daughter and found some great gifts for my husband. We got him a 27" TV (which I had to give to him today because I couldn't get it out of the car by myself.), an Xbox, a movie a game and a wireless controller. I think that he is mostly excited about the TV and the copy of Kill Bill vol. 2. So much for the stripper pole and light saber (but it might still find it's way into the birthday celebration).

I think I will go out to the video store and rent a few interesting looking video games for him to try out before we buy any games. I heard that Halo was a great game, but I don't know if it is his style of game or not. Does anyone have any ideas about good games for the Xbox? He has really liked games like Jak & Dakster, Ratchet and Clank, Final Fantasy, and he wanted Doom 3 for the computer but didn't have the graphics card to support it. I'm looking for something fun, not too stressful, but with a lot of adventure. I know Silent Hill 4 is coming out soon but I would like to find something sooner than that. Any ideas would be helpful, or even a good source for reviews would be nice as well.

Posted by Kelle at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

While I sit here and listen to the Buffy (Once More With Feeling) soundtrack I will attempt not to break out into song and wake my husband from his deep sleep. Instead I will attempt to write something exciting about the past four days, maybe I will just make something up, cause really, got nothing.

I haven't done anything but i did watched two of the movies that I ordered. I already mentioned that on my other blog though.

Continue reading "To the sounds of Buffy" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I really don't think I want to post anything tonight. The last few days have been very difficult for me and I don't know if I really want to write about them. However, I said in the very beginning that I was going to write everything honestly and exactly how I felt.

Right now though everything is very confusing and I don't know what is going on exactly. I guess part of that is the lack of communication between everyone. The biggest problem came from an online debate about some really stupid things (IMHO). Now, it has moved out of the blog and into the real world. I don't know what will happen next.

The main difficulty comes from the fact that the two parties involved are my husband and my good friend. I can't take sides, but my husband of course means more to me because he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. However, I would like to keep my friend. The big question is what will things be like after all of this, can we really go back to being the way we were after all of this conflict?

I don't really want to write anymore, I am just too upset about this whole thing to say anything that makes sense.

Posted by Kelle at 10:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It is still pretty early but I don't plan on falling asleep anytime soon because I am out of my sleeping pills. Somehow I forgot that I was out until Saturday night and the pharmacy is closed on Sunday. I am guessing that I will be writing for quite some time tonight.

I know that I haven't been keeping up with my goal of writing something every night, but I have been busy. You know how life can be. Some of the things that you wish you had time to do just don't fit into the schedule on a regular basis or they just slip your mind and you end up flipping channels for hours at a time instead of doing something that you might really enjoy. I have a big problem with this.

There are so many things that I want to be doing: painting, drawing, writing, decorating, cleaning even. However, I get sucked in to the TV and all the crap shows that it has to offer, now that I have TiVo I can watch TV without commercials it's really bad.

Continue reading "Nighty-Night" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is just a quickie post because I don't have much time tonight. Much like I didn't have anytime last night to write. I really don't have anything to say. My day has been pretty uneventful except my husband has asked me out on a date for Saturday night and I am trying to plan what we can do. Along with that I am trying to plan what to do for his birthday. So I am a very busy woman right now.

My pills have already kicked in and I am having trouble typing.

My husband is out for the second Thursday in a row with his buddy to see a movie, because I have trouble doing those sorts of things. I am glad he has someone to do this stuff with. I really do even though it makes me feel a little lonely. But according to my doctor it is something that I need to learn to deal with. I think I am getting better.

I haven't spent any time posting on my other blog cause I have been following everyone Else's stuff. I think I will do something more tomorrow. Right now I am just too tired to do anything but lay down and watch the TV. BTW, the other TiVo arrived. I am so happy. Now I just have to wait for the other cable company to come and switch us over.

I think I am going to lay down now because I have no idea what I am typing at this point.

Posted by Kelle at 10:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't really have a lot of time to write tonight so this will be fairly short. I actually have to try to get to bed tonight. I have had a very long and stressful day. The stress didn't come from life events but from the things that I found out on the internet that disturbed me so much. I was told by my psychologist that I am not allowed to watch the news but she didn't say anything about reading it.

I don't want to focus too much on what I read because that kind of stuff doesn't belong here, plus I have already posted it on my other blog today. I want to talk more about how I feel about what I read and saw. I spent hours today drifting through information about George Bush and FoxNews. I was overwhelmed with how many times people lie to the general public and that the average person falls for their lies. It really bothers me that because some people don't know any better they are going to follow them like sheep. If only they would put a few hours into researching this stuff for themselves they would find out that most of what they are being told is a lie.

Continue reading "My new goals" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I said that I was going to write something everyday, even though I don't have much to say about today's events I feel I have to be true to my goals. As far as Sundays go today was a typical one. I didn't bother to even get out of my pajamas. Instead I stayed in bed and watched the nothing that was on TV.

I really wish my TiVo was here, even if I didn't have any movies recorded I could be skipping through commercials. I really hate commercials, I have such a short attention span that I forget what I am watching after the second commercial and I start flipping channels. I think that is part of the reason I got diagnosed with attention deficit disorder a couple of years ago.

Continue reading "I want to change the world." »

Posted by Kelle at 09:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Greetings all! This is my new blog. I don't intend for it to have the same type of content that my current blog has. I want this one to have a more personal tone. I want to post more about my personal feelings about events (past and present) people and just the way I am feeling in general. It will be more of a daily journal or diary. I am not expecting a lot of comments, although I would like to hear your opinions on things. Not to mention sometimes I can really use a little reassurance and praise. I will try my best to be humorous, but with manic-depression it is hard to tell what kind of day your having. My goal is to post something no matter how small everyday. I look forward to sharing all my thoughts with you.

Posted by Kelle at 01:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As most of you already know my husband's 30th birthday is coming up in just a few weeks. I am trying to find the perfect gift to commemorate the event and I am having trouble.Even though the stripper pole and light saber were great ideas I think I am looking for something more useful, entertaining, or creative.

He has all the gadgets i-pod, digital camera, and a TiVo (with a second one on the way). He likes movies, music and books, only I can't seem to figure out which ones. I am looking to spend between $200 and $300.

So people put your thinking caps on and give me your best ideas!

Posted by Kelle at 06:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I just decided that I needed to create a different space for writing about my life and the events that go on in it. My other blog is a lot less personal than this one will be. I just want a place to write about all of my emotions and thoughts about my life. I am a very emotional person with a lot of intense feelings about my life and the lives around me. I spend much of the time on my other blog writing about politics and whats wrong with them but I have yet to write about why it effects me so much.

I want to spend more of my time on this blog talking about my family and friends. I realize that sometimes it will be hard to write about some things because I know who will be reading it, but it's my blog and I can say what I want.

Posted by Kelle at 04:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

After another trip to the doctor today I have been cleared of pneumonia. On the other hand I have bronchitis and asthma now as a result of the long term pneumonia. I am on so many medications right now I can't even keep track of which ones are for what and when they are suppose to be taken. I've got an inhaler, a nebulizer, steroids, antibiotics, cough medicine and a few other non-descript pills. I could start a pharmacy at this point.

The good news is that I am finally allowed to get out of bed. However, the bad news is that because of the asthma I won't be able to leave the house with the high humidity. I have to watch what I do and take it easy still. Hey, I won't have to clean the house for awhile!

Posted by Kelle at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, I went to the doctor's office again today to see how the pneumonia is going and it turns out that it has gotten worse. My doctor seemed a little upset to hear that I had gotten out of bed and went on vacation in the rain and had been doing a lot of house renovating in the last week. She said that if I don't get some bed rest and take my medicine I could end up in the hospital, or dead. I didn't really take this seriously until she told me she was ordering a nebulizer for me to help me breathe. Along with this she sent me out to have x-rays taken of my chest. I don't know what they would be looking for in an x-ray, I didn't think to ask my doctor while I was there but it is bothering me now.

It's back to bed for me I guess. It sucks! I hate having to be still for long periods of time. It also looks like I am going to have to quit smoking for real this time or I just will not get any better. It's a good time to try I think. I think the patches and the gum might be the way to go, my doctor said it was okay to use them both. She says anything is better than actually smoking. I am going to give it a try.

I hope everyone enjoys their forth of July weekend! Send me cards and flowers!

Posted by Kelle at 05:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's been weeks now but I am finally getting a little bit better. I have been able to get out of the bed and do some stuff with the kids and around the house. I still have this nagging cough that won't quit and I have trouble breathing here and there but I see the doctor again on Friday.

Posted by Kelle at 04:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am so tired of lying in bed. I have been in bed for nearly 10 days now and it doesn't look like I will be getting up anytime soon. I spend my days coughing my brains out until I get a headache, than I go to sleep. I didn't figure out until today that I had a laptop, meaning I could pull it over here to my lap and use it. I think the medicine was affecting my thinking and that's why I didn't think of it before.

Our trip to Wisconsin has been canceled. There are a couple of reasons but the main reason that we aren't going at all is because I am still too sick to sit in a car for 18 hours. Not to mention how miserable I would be (and everyone around me) the whole time.

We are trying to plan a trip with the kids later this week to an amusement park like King's Dominion or Six Flags. This all depends on me getting out of the damn bed. I would really like to take the kids some where that they would enjoy. Jared of course would like to go somewhere that has a place where he can play in the water. Sierra, she likes everything, even the rollercoasters. Personally I don't like much at least not rollercoasters or other high flying rides like that. I really hope that I will get better over the weekend and that we will be able to take the kids on a trip for a couple of days.

The other place we are thinking about taking the kids one of the days is the Science Center in Baltimore. It has just been renovated and has a lot of new exhibits for the kids. I have been seeing the commercials every hour or so. I think the kids will have a lot of fun there.

I know I am being boring but it's not like there is anything exciting happening with me right now. I just wanted to write something to take up space before my whole page went blank. I hope this will last for awhile. Mostly because I have exhausted myself writing this and now I need a nap.

Posted by Kelle at 01:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I went to the doctor's this afternoon because I have had this cough for about two months now that won't go away. I know what your thinking, why did I wait two months. I really didn't think it was a big deal. Sure it was starting to get painful and annoying. I just thought it would stop, and why waste money going to see the doctor about a cough.

Well, it turns out I have bronchial pneumonia. It just sounds cool doesn't it? I've never had a real illness before, as long as you don't count bi-polar disorder or A.D.D. I've had minor sicknesses here and there growing up, but this is the first time I got pneumonia. On top of that the infection from my lungs has spread to my sinuses and ears. Yeah Me!

So, my doctor gave me a few RXs that are suppose to make this thing all better. The funny part is that I will still be sick for at least another 2 or 3 weeks. I have this trip coming up in a matter of days now (10 days) and I'm still going to be sick. The doctor wants me to lay in bed and rest. She has no idea what I have to do over the next ten days. There is no way I can just lay in bed.

Continue reading "Bronchial Pneumonia" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My blog is getting empty and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't even have a good excuse. I have mostly just been board out of my mind and can't think of anything worth writing about. Today I have decided that I would at least write a few words and maybe pass on a few links to you folks that I find interesting. However, I am sick as a dog right now and I shouldn't even be sitting at my computer. I should be laying in bed moaning and groaning about how I'm going to die if I don't get some orange juice or chicken soup. I won't bore you with the details of my not so pleasant physical health and move on to something a little more entertaining.

I'm out of Mountain Dew....not really out, thee bottle is empty and the full ones are all the way upstairs in the refrigerator. I don't want to walk that far so I will just die of thirst I suppose.

What can I tell you about the last few weeks that might be exciting enough to read? Not much that's for sure. I have been spending a lot of time watching bad TV shows and missing the good ones. Besides that I drive around in my cute little green car with no where to go. I haven't been painting or drawing (I think that is a side effect of the medications that I am on). I don't spend a lot of time sitting at my computer anymore either. Hence the lack of writing here.

I think I am going to get back to laying in bed now.

Posted by Kelle at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I finally got the car of my dreams. My husband and I looked around for weeks but I couldn't find a better car than the Honda Element. I was so excited about getting the car last night that I didn't get to sleep until 1 am. I just wanted to drive it to the ocean or some other semi-distant place. The photo is of the exact model and color that I picked. It has 4wd, sunroof and a lot of other cool features like an AUX jack for plugging in an I-pod mini, sub-woofers and seats that recline into a bed. You can check it all out on the Honda website.

This was a great gift for mother's day, although I heard my husband say that this will be my last gift (Christmas or otherwise) until it is paid off...I really don't care at this point. I have never had a new car and I am very happy with this one. This car will give me a lot more freedom and options that I didn't have before. It will also make my goal of getting a job more attainable.

Posted by Kelle at 08:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Okay, I'm back! Things have been a little rough for the past few weeks and actually they are about to get bad again (finals), but for the most part I have gotten myself out of the gloom that has surrounded me for weeks now. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I even deleted posts that reminded me of it.

I spent some time last night deleting all the other sites that I had and moving all of those posts and comments over to this blog, having more than one blog was just too much to keep up with. So, all the photos, artwork, and other stuff are here now. In the future I will just post my drawings and photos and everything else here, no more looking for them on the other sites. Which means this site just got a whole lot more content.

Finals start tomorrow and I will have two weeks to finish it unlike the mid-term where I only had one week. This has me worried because it sounds like it will be twice as hard, and to be honest I was about to quit the class when I had to do the mid-term. This time though I know it is the last thing that I have to do and that I am (so far) good at this. So we will see what I get, even with a C I will still pass this class.

The big question now is what am I going to do after finals? School has given me something to do since January and now what? I had planned to start work by the time I was done with school but I don't think that will be possible at least for a few more months.

For now, I think I am just going to enjoy the rest of the day. I am going to play some games eat some of the Easter candy and relax because I think the next two weeks are going to be hell. But, you never know. At least I am not sitting around worrying about it.

Posted by Kelle at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Why spend your life worrying about the future, you will know when it comes.

Posted by Kelle at 01:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

... I posted anything new.

I have nothing more to say really, I just wanted to put something up here.

Posted by Kelle at 06:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have been trying to quit smoking since December and nothing I have tried seems to have worked so far. As of tomorrow morning I am going to just stop buying cigarettes and see how far that gets me. It might seem like such a simple thing to someone who has never smoked a cigarette before but after 14 years, it's a hard habit to break.

Continue reading "A new plan" »

Posted by Kelle at 11:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I haven't been sleeping again. I don't know what the problem is this time. I am on new drugs they should be making me fall asleep. I used to really love being awake at night all by myself, it was the only time that I felt 'alive'. Now at my age there is nothing for me to do this late a night besides watch re-runs on TV or post stupid news here on my page.

Maybe I drink too much Caffeine. Who knows? I have been like this for years though, even before my Mountain Dew craze.

Fight Club comes to mind again ..."Everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy"... you gotta love that movie.

Posted by Kelle at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I've been posting mainly to Freshcaffeine.com and forgetting about this page for the most part. I guess I should be writing more about my life than I have been and maybe I wouldn't be so stressed out. I stopped going to the gym...(wait til eclipse hears that) I just don't have time to right now. With school, 2 kids, a crazy family and a million other things going on I just don't have the time.

My brother went to jail the other night, I worry about him. I don't want him to end up like my father who spend most of his life in prison. I just can't seem to do anything that will straighten my brother out. Everyone says it's not my job, but if I don't do it no one will. My brother is 19 now, and he can't even keep a job for more than 2 weeks, how is he suppose to get a place to live or anything else for that matter? What am I going to do?

Posted by Kelle at 05:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been writing non-stop since Sunday afternoon, my back is killing me from sitting up so long. I have created a little laptop table and moved it over to my bed so I can sit more comfortably. I have finished getting down most of the basic facts I need for my exam, now I need to work on actually answering the questions. The trouble I am having I what kind of answers does she really want from me? I am starting to realize that I am probably one of the smarter people taking this class, and I would like to live up to that expectation. If not her, for myself.

I am having trouble sleeping again, I assume it is because of all the stress, I had been trying to quit smoking and I recently went from smoking no nicotine cigarettes to lights...bad me. I just need to get through this week, and next week and the week after that....it never ends. Jeez...

Continue reading "Still can't resist" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:05 PM | Permalink

I thought I had to write something before I go to bed tonight, even thou I don't have much to say. It's the weekend and I don't usually write on the weekend but I'm trying to get better about that.

I did manage to make it to the gym yesterday, and my muscles are feeling better, so it must have been true (the thing about working the muscles and they stop hurting).I did every exercise that I was taught in one night. I'm pretty darn proud of myself for that. I didn't go today and I kind of feel bad that I didn't.

Continue reading "What to do...bored" »

Posted by Kelle at 10:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Another one of my Beatles references for those who didn't get it. Today has been a very productive day for me, besides the laying in bed and watching TV for about 2 hours this morning because I was feeling like crap. I managed to make it out of bed, bruise some muscles, get a new web site designed, caught my 9 year old daughter watching Buffy in secret and get depressed again because of my stupid mother. Jeez, my life is like a roller coaster on some days.

Continue reading "A Day in the Life" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am still trying to quit smoking. I had a little fall back a week or so ago, but I'm back to the no nicotine cigarettes. It almost seems pointless to smoke them at all I know, but it's harder than it seems to actually quit smoking.

I still haven't given up, it's just taking longer than I thought it was going to take me.

Posted by Kelle at 09:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

For the last three days I have just been working on school papers, and loosing my mind over the last one. I resigned myself to getting at least a B, cause I just could do any better than that. I have decided to take a few hours, days ...some time off to join the rest of the real world and post some stuff on my site.

I posted a photo of John Lennon's glasses with the blood stains still on them, I am hoping that everyone understands that the photo to me is not sick or gross, it is just saddening. I guess there will be a few who won't understand.

Continue reading "Trying to keep up with...." »

Posted by Kelle at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today is just one of those days, you know what I mean? When you wake up either a little too late or too early so everything is off by just a few minutes and you can't seem to get it straight for the life of you. I seem to be having these days more and more often the older I get, or maybe I just didn?t notice them before.

This morning I woke up at 7:37? a strange time to wake up to, but it always seems to be the time my internal clock picks to wake me up. The kids were off school again today, don?t ask me why the school system decided to change the whole schedule on me. So, I wake up and have a breakfast bar I?m getting used to them now and I think they might actually be helping me lose weight.

Continue reading "Strange Days" »

Posted by Kelle at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm tired of the snow, the rain and the cold winds. I wish it was springtime again...maybe I can make a wish and have it be so. This is when witchcraft comes in handy, too bad I'm not any good at it. Jeez. Can't win.

Someone please help me...make the weather bright and sunny, not too hot though...just right, you know tee-shirt weather, not sweating in your skin weather.

Posted by Kelle at 09:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today is Mine and Jemal's 5th Anniversary.....Last night thanks to a wonderful friend we were able to go out and celebrate. I got lobster!!! But that's not the point...

The real point of this story is that for the past five years I have been happier than I have ever been in my life. Sure things haven't been perfect, we have had some fights, but not they never got so bad that we called each other names or threw bottles at each other like you see in the movies.

I'm still going off topic here... what I've been trying to say is.....I'm happy, I'm still in love and it's great! I have the perfect husband and father for my children.

Posted by Kelle at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I just felt like writing something..."I'm all outta angst" as fat mike would say. I'm really missing my old site where I posted lots of stuff about GW....so I have to do something about that right now...

Starting with "Idiot son of an asshole" is a great animation and song by NoFX a semi punk, semi ska band. My favorite band actually.

Continue reading "Empty headed" »

Posted by Kelle at 05:55 PM | Permalink

I got my grade back today people.....100% !!!!! I am completely ecstatic....I was worried for nothing....The teacher put a little note at the bottom that said "Keep up the good work and you will do well in this class!Keep up the good work and you will do well in this class!"....Wow! She had a few complaints about my work, but it was the first essay.

I've never really done well at school, thats what makes me so happy about this. I can do it damn it!

Posted by Kelle at 09:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It feels like forever, the grades still haven't been posted. I wonder when they will. I turned the paper in on Thursday. How long could it take? I am so nervous, thinking about calling my doctor and asking her to up my meds.

Down to Nicotine Free cigarettes, smoking more often, but no nicotine. I feel different. It's been 3 days now. Shaking just a little, but I think the slow drop to no nicotine helped keep that to a minimum. Now just to get rid of them all together and we're good.

Continue reading "I've been waiting a lifetime..." »

Posted by Kelle at 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Busy, Busy, can't talk....have to write more...smoking less...nicotine free cigarettes since yesterday, felling kinda sick. Can't deal with out the Caffeine, I guess that will have to do. Why is it so cold outside? Why can't it be spring again? I've wasted too much time I've gotta get back to work. I miss writing for fun. :)

Posted by Kelle at 09:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I feel like such a slacker. I haven't updated my pages in a couple of days. I've been busy though people; getting ready for school and starting this diet kick. I can't be expected to do everything at once can I? I bet atleast one of you are going to be a smart ass and say yes... but I'm not listening.

Besides planning and having my sons birthday party this weekend I have manged to get no cleaning done, no writing done, or any studing...nor have I done any exercise (oops). Instead all I have done is sit around talking to my husband about how to redesign his website...cause that's what we do now with our free time.

Some couples go to the movies, or play games...we make website designs and images. Is that sad? I don't know. We sure enjoy it so who really cares.

Last weekend we made a site for Eclipse and this week one for Skank; yet I can't write any real content for my own sites....what's up with that? Maybe design is all I'm really good at. Give me some more time, I'll try a little harder

Posted by Kelle at 04:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I never said I was a great writer, I probably could have done better in school and that might have helped. As it stands now I just write what comes to mind.

I wanted my original website to be a place to post world news, human rights violations, and other important stuff, but that was getting too damn depressing to write anymore.This time I am trying to focus more on the lighter side of things.

Continue reading "I'm not a good writer" »

Posted by Kelle at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have been intent on quitting smoking since the middle of December, it's now a month later and all I've done is lower the amount of nicotine in my cigarettes. I completely understand that my addiction to smoking is not just with the nicotine (which gave me headaches and ill feelings when I was lowering my dose) but with the physical act of lighting up and puffing the smoke.

How do I get over that? I have been smoking 1 and a half to 2 packs a day for the last 14 years. I know I have to quit. I have lots of reasons to quit. I just smoke out of habit.

Some people have told me "just don't buy them, if you don't have them you can't smoke them" ... makes sense really, but these are all people who smoke less than 10 a day.

Continue reading "Quitting isn't easy..." »

Posted by Kelle at 02:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am so tired...I have spent all day working on updating 6 different weblogs...how am I going to do this everyday? I guess we will have to see. For now the whole thing is still new and exciting, like a brand new (insert favorite object here).

I am pretty happen with the way the design turned out. I just told my husband what I wanted and he made it happen, it's great when husbands can a man can give you what you want, when you want it and do it right. :)

Continue reading "So tired" »

Posted by Kelle at 03:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)